He Knows When You Are Sleeping

CLAUS:
What's up, boys and girls, this is the S-Man coming at you one more time. Welcome to the Xmas Broadcast of 2008. Personally, I think this whole radio and television thing is kind of dated. I mean the frigging bandwidth is a joke. Send me your email address and by next year, I'm going to have database functionality like you wouldn't believe.

First of all, I apologize for not being able to give you expansion of the S-CHIP program this past year. That's the State Child Health Insurance Program. It's not nearly as good as a full universal health care system for all men, women, and children like we should have, but at least it would've been a step in the right direction. All good boys and girls, and even not so good ones, deserve decent health care.

The truth is I had the whole thing all packaged and loaded onto the sleigh. But then the insurance companies, the pharmaceutical companies, the lobbyists, and these cash register Congress people they bought off ruined it. They kidnapped my elves, they shot down my reindeer, and they got their lawyers trying to make my workshop into condos. They're all in cahoots with those other bastards who melted a good part of the North Pole, which they say is an accident, but you got to wonder with these people.

The Congress folks are the worst because they say they want all you boys and girls to be healthy and grow up strong, and then they turn around and sell out to the highest bidders. Who do they think they're fooling? I'm a toy-maker. I know a bunch of puppets when I see them.

Now Santa is not a radical. I know I wear red, but it's God damn Christmas, for Christ sake. What do you want me to wear, taupe? I've always been committed to working within the system. Blowing up buildings just ruins a lot of good wood that could be made into sleds and choo-choo trains. But the truth is, Santa is getting pissed. With so many good boys and girls having to spend their holidays waiting around emergency rooms and begging their druggists for one or two more pills to kill the pain, we have to do something.

From now on, no more Mister Nice Guy. It's time to play hardball. And you can put that in your chimney.

They won't do anything about health care, they let in these toys with lead paint, they encourage people to buy all this stuff made with sweatshop labor, and then they insult me with this anti-obesity crap. "Oh no, Santa, we didn't mean you." Yuh, right.

We got to pass S-CHIP this year. All we need is about 15 swing votes in the Senate. So I want all of you to listen carefully. Here's the plan.

Early in the morning, before you wake up your parents by screaming "I smell marijuana!" I want you to turn on the computer and visit my web site, Gastric-bypass-my-ass.com. You'll see a list of the 15 states and a list of all their local newspapers, TV stations, and radio news outlets. If you're not sure whether or not you live in one of these states, don't ask your Mom or Dad because it will arouse suspicion. Ask the neighborhood drunk. They love talking to kids, they always know what state they're in, and if they say you talked to them, you can deny it later.

If you live in one of those states, ask your Mom or Dad for some paper, a crayon, a hundred first-class stamps, and as many empty liquor bottles as they can find. Tell them you need it for school.

Write a letter to every newspaper, radio station, and TV channel. In each letter, say my name is so-and-so and I'm 9 and a half years old. Everybody likes it when kids say something-and-a-half. They think it's cute. I think it's stupid, but that's just me. Here's what you say in the letter:

"I am probably the illegitimate child of the senior U.S. Senator in my state. I'm not sure, but I think that he abandoned my mother when I was two and left her with only this empty liquor bottle. I won't know for sure if he was the one until the day after he votes on the S-CHIP expansion legislation in 2008. Please tell him you will publish my letter the day after he votes, if it turns out he is my father. Which I hope he is because I have a very expensive learning disability. Yours truly, Johnny, nine and a half years old."

And you can draw a little picture at the bottom. Grown-ups love that crap.

Now before you say anything, I know lying is bad. But lying to help people is the best thing you can do. And when they ask who put you up to this, you know what to tell them. The Easter Bunny. Got it?