Death by Consumption

ALICE ON THE PHONE:
Good morning, UCPA.

ANDY ON THE PHONE:
Isn't this the IRS?

ALICE:
No sir. President Huckabee has eliminated the IRS. In this world and the world to come. Absolutely no more IRS.

ANDY:
Then who are you?

ALICE:
This is the UCPA. The United Collection Plate of America. And I am proud to be working here and passing the plate around to my fellow Americans.

ANDY:
So you collect the income taxes now?

ALICE:
No sir. That was the devil's work. No more income tax, no more corporate profits tax, no more capital gains tax, no more social security tax.

ANDY:
Then how are we paying for the army and everything?

ALICE:
Well sir, we have the consumption tax, which makes Americans more productive and more God-fearing, and it has lowered the divorce rate.

ANDY:
That's actually what I wanted to talk to you about. I was in Kroger yesterday and I had to pay an extra dollar and seventeen cents on a four dollar box of corn flakes.

ALICE:
Yes sir. That's your consumption tax.

ANDY:
That's practically thirty percent. That's higher than the income tax I paid.

ALICE:
Well, these surges in Pakistan and Iran and Syria are expensive, sir.

ANDY:
Yuh, but this is food. People need to eat food to live.

ALICE:
Yes sir. But once we decided to get rid of the death tax, the only thing left that we could tax was life.

ANDY:
So everybody has to pay that dollar seventeen?

ALICE:
Yes sir. That's what makes it so fair. If some rich person drives up to the Kroger in his Cadillac and takes out his alligator wallet to pay, he's going to have to pay the same amount for his corn flakes that you had to pay.

ANDY:
I'm happy to hear that. But I've seen these stores where if someone pays with cash and they don't need a receipt, the store gives them the stuff without collecting any tax at all.

ALICE:
Oh well I'm sure that would never happen. That would be dishonest. Why would a grocery store ever do that?

ANDY:
It doesn't seem to be just groceries. I heard there are these people who are buying TVs and washing machines straight from China on the Internet because they don't charge them the consumption tax.

ALICE:
No! No, I don't believe it. Well that is the Devil's work right there.

ANDY:
I guess you folks are going to have to go over to China to try to collect all that tax money they owe you.

ALICE:
Land sakes, we don't have the money to do that. We're having trouble making ends meet as it is. They sold off the old IRS building for pennies, they laid off my friend Margie, and no one's paying the light bill in this new trailer office they gave us. It's cold as Hades in here today.

ANDY:
Well what about all these hedge fund managers with P.O. boxes in the Cayman Islands who are making millions of dollars? Can't they pay their fair share?

ALICE:
Yes sir. We get them on their corn flakes every day of the week. But President Huckabee says we have no business taxing these Wall Street people on their income because they're not like you and me. They're special. They're contributing to the economy. And you can learn to be a hedge fund manager just like they are.

ANDY:
Yuh, I really have the time and the money to go back to school. Our nanny had to quit college and move away because they cut the student loan program.

ALICE:
You pay someone to take care of your kids?

ANDY:
Yuh, we had to. My wife is working two jobs and I have to do a lot of overtime to make these mortgage payments.

ALICE:
So you need a new nanny?

ANDY:
Yuh, immediately. But we can only pay like $15 an hour.

ALICE:
That's twice what the U.S. of A. is paying me.

ANDY:
I thought you were proud to be there and you loved the president and you believed in passing around the…..

ALICE:
I am so out of here.