Like Money in the Bank

CHAIR: The Special Senate Sub-Committee to Examine the Troubled Asset Recovery Program and Make Insinuating Comments will come to order. I said Order. Mr. Ranking Member?

SENATOR 1: Thank you, Mr. Chairman. Mr. Secretary, good afternoon.

TG: Good afternoon.

SENATOR 1: Yes, good afternoon. But we don’t have time for good afternoon because we are all concerned with this ailing American economy today, aren’t we. Because this is an urgent matter, isn’t it. Yes or no.

TG: Yes it is.

SENATOR 1: Yes sir. That’s correct. So let’s face the facts, shall we. $350 billion. $350 billion. Answer this question, Mr. Secretary. How much of this money went to buy pornography?

TG: I don’t have any reason to believe that…..

SENATOR 1: How much of this taxpayer money went to buy pornography? Yes or no.

TG: No.

SENATOR 2: Mr. Secretary, did they spend it all in one place? Because I told them not to do that. I said specifically don’t spend it all in one place.

TG: And what is your question?

SENATOR 2: Did they spend it all in one place?

CHAIR: Yes or no.

TG: No.

SENATOR 2: And that’s all you have to say?

TG: Senator, there was a long list of recipients. If you refer to Table 3 in our report…..

SENATOR 3: Never mind that. Is this money being used for global warming?

TG: You mean to stop global warming?

SENATOR 3: To stop it, to start it, to keep it going, whatever. The point is What does this program have to do with global warming?

TG: I don’t think it has anything to do with…..

CHAIR: Mr. Secretary, I have to stop you there. We are not going to let you start talking about global warming.

TG: Yes sir.

SENATOR 1: Mr. Secretary, I have a three-part question. What is the TARP made of? Was it made in China? And is there MSG in it?

TG: As far as I know.

CHAIR: Yes or no please. Yes or no.

TG: No.

SENATOR 3: When we gave them the $350 billion, was it all in twenties?

TG: Yes.

SENATOR 1: When the bankers come over to pick up this money, shouldn’t they be finger-printed?

TG: Yes.

SENATOR 3: If we gave these banks $350 billion, shouldn’t they be required to give us free checking?

TG: Yes.

SENATOR 2: Isn’t it true that some of this money was used to help gay people get married?

TG: I don’t actually think that….

SENATOR 2: Well I never got any help from the federal government when I wanted to get married. They wouldn’t even find a woman for me. I had to get the catalog myself, I had to look through it, I had to make the phone call, I had to put in the order. And it cost me a pile of money. But did I complain? No. So what is all this whining from gay people that they didn’t get enough of the TARP money when there is absolutely no evidence of that?

TG: Excuse me?

CHAIR: Out with it. Yes or no.

TG: Yes?

CHAIR: Mr. Ranking Member?

SENATOR 1: Mr. Secretary, let’s face the facts. There’s only one problem with this economy. And obviously it’s social security.

TG: What?

SENATOR 1: I said social security.

TG: Social security? What planet are you on? What zipper did you get your head stuck in? do you understand anything about business? You know nothing about banking, nothing about interest rates, and nothing about economics. You know nothing about MSG. You know absolutely nothing.

CHAIR: Well is that a yes or a no?

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