Elitism Stinks
MIRA: And good evening. This Mira May for Mocks Television News, and tonight we’re speaking with Pixie Skiff, candidate for Congress who has now been endorsed by the New Jersey State Tea Party. How are you?
PIXIE: I’m great, Mira. But for accuracy we should say that the New Jersey Tea Party folks have not formally endorsed me yet, but I just know that as soon as they taste my barbecue sauce and see me fire a gun into a crowd, they’re going to stand with me shoulder to shoulder.
MIRA: Oh I’m sure they will. So is it true that you became famous because you had drawn more Hitler mustaches on Obama photos than anyone else?
PIXIE: Yes I did. They called me Lady Marks a Lot you know.
MIRA: Isn’t that something. And you also formed the anti-immigrant Second Sallies Brigade. Why did you do that?
PIXIE: Well Mira, it became clear to my friends and I that the Minutemen were too slow, and they just weren’t violent enough. So we felt that we had to do something.
MIRA: And let’s pick up on that. Do you support the right of gun owners to voluntarily bring their guns to church?
PIXIE: No, Mira, I don’t. I think it should be compulsory. You’re not much of a Christian if you’re not willing to fire off a few rounds after the homily. You only need one hand to hold your bible. What are these people doing with the other one?
MIRA: Makes you stop and think, doesn’t it. But of course guns aren’t the only issue this election. What should we be doing to help the unemployed?
PIXIE: I think we should shoot up their neighborhood so they come out of their houses and go look for work. That’s what I did.
MIRA: You looked for work?
PIXIE: No, I shot up my neighbor’s house. His dog looked gay to me. And I couldn’t shoot the dog cause that’s illegal.
MIRA: Okay. But what should we do about all the home foreclosures?
PIXIE: We need to figure out a way we can have more of them. These people never deserved to have homes in the first place. The sooner we get them out of those houses and living in cardboard boxes where they belong, the better off they’ll be.
MIRA: No argument from me. But what about all the people who’ve lost their jobs?
PIXIE: You know why those people lost their jobs? Because they were too busy being elitist, gay, immigrant Democrats who don’t believe in hard work.
MIRA: But they lost their jobs.
PIXIE: Oh sure, they say they lost their jobs. But they didn’t lose their jobs at all. They deliberately put their jobs underneath their expensive water beds so nobody could find them.
MIRA: And why do you want to be a member of Congress?
PIXIE: Because I found out that I don’t have to listen to a bunch of know-it-all elitist, over-educated bureaucrats who think they know better. People like us know what to do with our country just as well as anyone else does.
MIRA: We do?
PIXIE: Sure we do, Mira. And let me tell you how we’re going to get rid of the IRS. First, we get a whole lot of military assault rifles. And then…..
MIRA: I think you’re absolutely right, Pixie. And that’s why today, right here on Mocks Televisions News, I am announcing my candidacy for the United States Congress.
PIXIE: What?
MIRA: I can do nothing just well as the Congress we have now.
PIXIE: You can’t be the cute housewife running for Congress. I’m the cute housewife running for Congress.
MIRA: Yes I can, Pixie. And if elected, I will fix the oil spill in the Gulf by plugging it up with the children of Democrats!
Share