Fake the Money and Run

LARRY: When I told you the FDIC people were coming in today, what did you think I meant?

BARRY: I thought you meant my wife was coming in.

LARRY: If your wife was coming in, why would I say it was the FDIC?

BARRY: “FDIC” is banker slang for wife. Didn’t you know that? We always call our wives that cause they’re never happy and they’re always checking up on you.

LARRY: Can you please try to focus.

BARRY: Cause there’s absolutely no reason my wife should be checking up on me.

LARRY: I’m talking about the real FDIC. I’m not talking about your wife.

BARRY: Because I told her that whole thing I had with my dental hygienist was nothing. We had lunch. We flossed. We took a shower together. That’s all it was.

LARRY: Barry, we didn’t pass the reserve test, they didn’t like our financials, and we’re in serious, serious trouble.

BARRY: You and me?

LARRY: Yes, you and me. And the bank. We’re all in trouble.

BARRY: Why?

LARRY: Because we did everything wrong. We made thousands of bad loans, we bought credit default swaps, and we exceeded our reserve limits. They could take the bank away from us.

BARRY: I don’t think you’re really familiar with our financial condition.

LARRY: I’m the CFO.

BARRY: I’m the president. If there was a real problem, wouldn’t I know about it?

LARRY: We’re in serious trouble.

BARRY: Does my wife know?

LARRY: No.

BARRY: Then we’re okay.

LARRY: We’re not okay. You did everything I told you not to do.

BARRY: Are you drinking again Larry?

LARRY: No I am not.

BARRY: Because they said it happens. Recovering alcoholics have relapses.

LARRY: I didn’t have a relapse. I appreciate that you hired me, Barry. I appreciate that you gave me a second chance when no one else would.

BARRY: Good. So we’re all done here.

LARRY: No, we’re not done here.

BARRY: Cause I got to get the dentist’s office. Seriously.

LARRY: We have to be able to tell the FDIC people how we’re going to fix this.

BARRY: Fix what?

LARRY: Why did you tell all those brokers we were willing to do sub-prime mortgages?

BARRY: I didn’t understand what he was talking about. I thought he said sublime mortgages. You know, like that was a good thing. He had mortgages that were sublime.

LARRY: Do you know what those loans did to our balance sheet?

BARRY: So who told you to put them on the balance sheet?

LARRY: Where else was I supposed to put them?

BARRY: The closet, the file cabinet, what’s the difference? You don’t want them on there, so take them off.

LARRY: I have to discount them by 80 percent. We’re not going to meet the reserve requirement.

BARRY: The reserve requirement is just a guideline. Like the nutrition pyramid on the cereal box. As long as you eat the cereal every day and look at the pyramid, you’re fine.

LARRY: We’re not fine. You lent money we didn’t have to all these people who should never have taken adjustable rate mortgages.

BARRY: They’re going to be fine. That’s the great thing about adjustable mortgages. If the rate is too high, you just adjust it.

LARRY: No, Barry, that’s not the way it…..Why am I even talking to you? What is the point to this? Why would I expect someone who fabricates appraisals to care about the reserve requirement?

BARRY: Are you complaining about the Mergatroyd house again? It wasn’t what you think.

LARRY: You can’t do business this way.

BARRY: The Mergatroyds were friends of mine. They wanted to buy this 2-bedroom house for $1.5 million. So I told the appraiser to appraise it at $2 million so they’d think they got a bargain and we could lend them $1.8 million so they could get the house and new carpeting. Is that so wrong?

LARRY: It’s fraud. I’m not even talking about keeping the bank anymore. I’m talking about jail time. The FDIC will turn us in to the authorities for criminal fraud.

BARRY: Exactly. And that’s our ace in the hole.

LARRY: Excuse me?

BARRY: You know Deborah Klipberg? The Assistant U.S. Attorney?

LARRY: I know of her. I don’t know her.

BARRY: Well I do. Klipberg is my wife’s maiden name.

LARRY: Your wife is related to…..

BARRY: Related to being the same person. My wife is Deborah Klipberg.

LARRY: And she’s going to get you off?

BARRY: Of course not. She hates me. But we’re talking about you. Because you have a simple plan that can’t fail.

LARRY: I don’t have a plan.

BARRY: Yes you do, but you didn’t hear it from me. All you have to do is take my wife out to dinner, drink her under the table, have sex with her, and get her to drop the charges. Got it? Larry? Larry, get up off the floor. It’s dirty.

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