Get Mortgage Relief Now

BW:
Excuse me? Is anybody here? Is this the place where you get that federal mortgage assistance?

(Lighting and thunder.)

BW:
How come it's so dark in here? There wasn't even a sign outside. If I didn't know better, I'd think you didn't really want to help people like me. Hello? I need to get my mortgage adjusted. You doubled the payments and I can't afford it.

(More thunderclaps.)

BW:
Who are you? Show yourself.

(Woman with really good bone structure appears.)

MG:
Are you the one they call…. Beowulf?

BW:
That's Bill Wolf, yuh. You get my voicemail?

MG:
I DON'T LISTEN TO VOICEMAIL!

BW:
Okay. Sorry. Forget it.

MG:
I am the mother of Grendel.

BW:
Grendel our mortgage broker? He's like 63 years old. And you look like you're maybe 32.

MG:
I will live forever.

BW:
Hey sure, that's a good attitude. I guess they say 32 is the new 31. But listen, I really need a break on the mortgage. You doubled my payment and I just can't afford it.

MG:
You are the one who destroyed my monster son.

BW:
No, I'm here about your mortgage. Not your monster, your mortgage.

MG:
That's what I said. It was an adjustable rate monster.

BW:
Well I need to adjust it.

MG:
I do the adjusting. I do all the adjusting. You adjust nothing!

BW:
Screaming isn't going to help, you know? Grendel charged me all these upfront fees cause he said they were giving me this great rate. And then they doubled the payments.

MG:
Market conditions. Is that my fault? No, Beowulf, it was you. People like you who expect to own their own homes. People like you who think if you work hard you shouldn't be lied to. People like you who are too stupid to be billionaires. Grendel was too generous. And now you will pay the price. You will be banished from my kingdom.

BW:
You mean foreclosure?

MG:
I mean death. And then foreclosure. The spirit of Grendel will tear you limb from limb.

BW:
But we're in this together. The banks and the brokerage houses are never going to survive if you keep on making terrible decisions.

MG:
We can't fail. You never heard of a 6th Century Danish government bail-out? We are too big to fail! Too big to fail! Too big to fail!

BW:
Excuse me? Water lady? Just got a text message. China is pulling all its money out of the American economy.

MG:
Oh. Then we will fail. But then I can join the synchronized husky voice swim team!