A Heartbeat Away

JONES:
Good afternoon. Thank you all for sharing this awesome moment with me.

REPORTER 1:
What is this about, Litany?

JONES:
I have a prepared statement.

REPORTER 2:
Are you off the wagon again?

JONES:
I have a prepared statement.

(She reads.)

JONES:
As you know, my name is Litany Jones, and I am a world-class celebrity. Part of being a celebrity means experiencing everything in order to further my art. And my career. But mostly my art.

Yes, I did the sex tape. Why did I do it? Because I am an artist. Because I just felt that I had to be honest about who I am as a person. And as an extremely successful sex partner. If I had not done the sex tape, I would never have experienced the momentous religious conversion that I did. After my sex tape, I just suddenly realized that hey. I have to be a Methodist.

And that was what made me realize that I can’t just take. I have to give back. I have to do something for all the people who have not yet mastered their relationship with food as I have. As you know, my weight control foundation, Take a Bite Out of Obesity, is the most successful charity every started by a sex-oriented celebrity. I don’t have that much time for it anymore, but hey. I started it. It’s online. I am an artist.

But who am I? Who is Litany Jones? Sure I’m a star and everyone loves me. But how much do they love me? And will they be there for me when I have my next chemical dependency episode?

And that is why I have decided that I have to give back more. So today I am announcing that I am a candidate for the vice-presidency of the United States.

Yes, it’s true that I have no direct government experience. And that I’ve never voted.

But I have worked in Washington. Yes, it was at one of the smaller strip clubs. But it was only eight blocks from the Capitol. And we got people in from there all the time.

I would’ve gone to see the Capitol, but whenever I got out of work it was always closed. And someone told me they don’t even serve drinks there, so like what’s the point?

I know people are asking do you want to run for vice-president with Barack or with John? And you know something? When I was younger that would’ve mattered to me. But now I’m grown up enough to understand that it really doesn’t make any difference.

Barack? John? John? Barack? Let’s call the whole thing off.

What do you need to do as a vice presidential candidate? You need to be able to travel. Well I know how to do that. I know how to go places. And then come back afterward. I know how to do that.

You have to be able to raise funds. Well I’ve raised funds my whole life. Sometimes on really short notice.

What about when you have no funds and you need to get someone else to buy your drinks for you? Does Kathleen Sebelius know how to do that? I don’t think she does.

Everybody asks me: If you became the vice-president and the president died, what would you do? And the answer is: I would just get really, really sad. Because that’s the only thing that people really want you to do. Get sad. And I can do that. I just have a few drinks and I’m there.

So like…Are there any questions? Anybody?