Honey I Raised the Kids Properly

OFFICER:
Family Court of Watch Out County is now in session. The Honorable Judge Wilford Stairs.

JUDGE:
Be seated. Call it in the air, Harry.

OFFICER:
The State Child Protective Service versus the Church of Jesus Christ That’s a Big Sandwich.

JUDGE:
What’s this about, Mr. Bicker.

BICKER:
Your honor the State is requesting protective custody for 12-year-old Billy Tilly. Billy’s parents Rocky and Ricki Tilly are apparently members of a secretive and destructive religious cult which supports, encourages, and fosters the practice of monogamy.

JUDGE:
That’s disgusting.

BICKER:
You said it, Judge. These people seem to have no idea that most marriages end unhappily, people cheat on each other up the wazoo, and the whole wedding thing is a big waste of money.

JUDGE:
If only they didn’t drag their children into it.

BICKER:
That’s always the way, your honor.

JUDGE:
Where is this church located?

BICKER:
We haven’t been able to find it, judge. It’s so secret and perverted that it doesn’t even have a web site.

JUDGE:
Isn’t that always the way?

ROCKY:
There is no church.

JUDGE:
Silence. If there is one more outburst like that, I will be forced to retire early. Is the juvenile present?

BICKER:
Yes, your honor. This is Billy.

JUDGE:
Billy, what is your name?

BILLY:
Billy.

JUDGE:
Very good. Seems like a smart young man. Comes right to the point. Billy, do you understand that your parents have corrupted you?

BILLY:
No sir.

RICKI:
That’s not true.

JUDGE:
Silence. You’ll have your chance to lie to the court later. Mr. Bicker, how did you become aware of the Church of Jesus Christ That’s a Big Sandwich.

BICKER:
His teacher found it written in Billy’s math notebook. It was right above a drawing of a crucifix.

BILLY:
That was a plus sign!

JUDGE:
Silence. Now I understand this cult has hundreds of children living on a ranch?

BICKER:
Yes, your honor.

JUDGE:
Where is the ranch?

BICKER:
We haven’t been able to find it, your honor.

JUDGE:
No web site?

BICKER:
Exactly. But we know there’s a ranch because we saw a drawing of a horse in Billy’s art notebook.

BILLY:
It was a plus sign!

JUDGE:
That’s enough. Why was the teacher looking through Billy’s notebooks?

BICKER:
She got suspicious when she found out his parents had not talked to him about masturbating.

JUDGE:
No one talked to him about masturbating? That’s an outrage. Why isn’t the teacher here?

BICKER:
She found a better job.

JUDGE: Isn’t that always the way. Well I’m going to get to the bottom of this. Bring the Tillys up here.

OFFICER:
Do you swear?

RICKY & ROCKY:
We swear.

JUDGE:
Alright, you two. I’m going to come right to the point. This affidavit says you’re running a ranch where there’s no television, no processed food, and the girls don’t wear eye makeup.

RICKI:
That’s not true.

JUDGE:
Well is there mascara provided or isn’t there?

ROCKY:
Your honor, we believe that young girls shouldn’t be subjected to…..

JUDGE:
I want a straight answer. Isn’t it true that you told Billy he wasn’t allowed to masturbate or climb trees?

RICKI:
No your honor. We just told him that he shouldn’t try to do both at the same time.

JUDGE:
Oh. Well in that case, the County of Watch Out owes you a deep, humble, and sincere apology. Bicker, give them each a free T-shirt.

BICKER:
But your honor….
.
JUDGE:
You heard me. Do it. Ricki and Rocky, you have my sincerest apologies.

ROCKY:
Thank you, your honor. May we leave now?

JUDGE:
Yes you may, and with the thanks of the court.

RICKI:
We hate to rush off, but Billy is late for his Bar Mitzvah lesson.

JUDGE:
Alright, not so fast.