We Can't Create Any More Jobs Because If We Did, Someone Might Get
Sunburn
RICHARD: Alright, let’s get started. This is Keith, he just started here. He’s our new investment analyst. This is Larry, this is Arthur.
LARRY: Welcome to Bank Without Mercy.
RICHARD: It’s called Mercy Bank. It has always been called Mercy Bank.
ARTHUR: Who gives a damn.
RICHARD: Based on our new code of conduct, all investment committee decisions have to be documented.
LARRY: So what does that mean? We can’t say F-you to each other anymore? This is pathetic.
RICHARD: Be that as it may, our second quarter results are in and our return on investment is in the urinal.
ARTHUR: Well what do you expect from Treasury bonds? Jesus Christ, what an idiot you are.
LARRY: How much longer is this going to take?
ARTHUR: Why can’t we go back to lending money to foreign dictators like we used to? Those guys really knew how to do business.
RICHARD: Be that as it may, Keith here has been researching market trends and he has some new investment proposals for us.
LARRY: I got a squash game at two.
ARTHUR: You can’t just go out drinking like the rest of us?
LARRY: I’m a metro-sexual. I like to show off my ass. You got a problem with that?
ARTHUR: I’m so sorry you have to keep your pants on during the meeting.
RICHARD: Moving right along. Keith?
KEITH: Okay. Well our marketing studies are showing that the American people are blaming the big banks, including ours, for the Great Recession, and they want to know why we’re not investing more money to create jobs.
ARTHUR: Well screw them.
KEITH: Okay. So I have a proposal here for a new loan product that would lend money to homeowners for making energy efficiency purchases: programmable thermostats, insulation, weatherization, green roofs, and so forth. It would create a lot of jobs for local contractors, and give people a chance to rebuild the equity in their homes.
ARTHUR: Oh great idea. Lend money to American homeowners. Every time we do that, we get in trouble. That’s brilliant, Keith.
LARRY: Yuh, what else you got.
KEITH: Okay, how about a new program of car loans just for plug-in electric cars. The automakers have some great ones coming out and this will be a real shot in the arm to new hiring.
ARTHUR: No one is going to buy an electric car. There’s no place to put the gas in.
KEITH: That’s the whole point, Arthur. You don’t have to…..
RICHARD: Okay, Keith. We got it.
ARTHUR: My brother-in-law bought one of these and he’s a total idiot. I said to him where do you put the gas in and he said I don’t know. Who else but an idiot would buy a car like that?
RICHARD: Alright, Arthur. You made your point.
KEITH: What point? He has no point.
RICHARD: That’s enough, Keith. Let’s move on. What else do you have?
KEITH: Alright, this is my last idea. We’re not going to make any progress on climate change until we make a big increase in our generation of clean electricity without the use of fossil fuels. If we float bonds on a massive scale for new solar electric plans, we can change the industry completely, and create thousands of new jobs.
LARRY: Okay, are we done here?
RICHARD: No we’re not done here.
ARTHUR: Solar power plants?
KEITH: Yes. Solar power plants.
ARTHUR: What if somebody gets sunburn from one of them?
KEITH: Sunburn?
ARTHUR: From concentrated solar energy, yes. They get sunburn, they sue us for five hundred billion dollars, and all of a sudden there’s no bank left.
RICHARD: Keith?
KEITH: I have no answer for that.
RICHARD: Okay. So are we agreed that we’ll go back to investing everything in hedge funds that do oil speculation, buy vintage white wine, and invest in works of art by dead people?
LARRY: Motion carried.
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