McCain Is A Shoe-In

FRED:
Wake up, Fitz.

FITZ (Asleep):
I wasn’t looking up your dress. I was just trying to read the label on your…

FRED:
What did you do, fall asleep?

FITZ:
What did you do, wake me up? It’s almost midnight. I should be in a bar in Georgetown getting rejected.

FRED:
We have to write the debate prep on taxation. John wants it tomorrow morning.

FITZ:
John isn’t going to read anything tomorrow morning. He’s got personal appearances at the Daytona Speedway, Watkins Glenn, and the Indianapolis 500. He goes over well in places where they waste gasoline. You got nothing to worry about.

FRED:
Sure, but do you think he likes me?

FITZ:
Do I think John likes you? What do you want him to do, take you to the prom? You got to stop hanging all over him. I’m responsible for you. People are asking me why I hired a guy who can’t stop kissing John’s big ugly…..

FRED:
I have to get that speechwriter spot. That spot belongs to me.

FITZ:
What’s the difference, kid. You got two months of work left. It isn’t our year.

FRED:
Don’t say that. This is John’s year and we’re going all the way. That’s why John has to like me. You think it’s my hair?

FITZ:
Well it certainly isn’t your personality. What are we doing here?

FRED:
We have to write the taxation thing.

FITZ:
Sure, fine. What have you got so far?

FRED (Reading):
My name is John McCain.

FITZ:
Sounds good. I think you nailed it.

FRED: Do you like it? I wanted a strong opening.

FITZ:
Taxes. What are we telling them about taxes?

FRED:
Taxes stink.

FITZ:
Good. Write that. What else?

FRED:
After that, he says…he says…”I don’t like taxes.”

FITZ:
Wrong.

FRED:
Wrong?

FITZ:
“My friends, I don’t like taxes.”

FRED:
Yes. Yes. My friends. God damn it. How did I forget that.

FITZ:
Is that all you have?

FRED:
I didn’t have anymore time to work on it. I was busy with the shoes.

FITZ:
The shoes?

FRED:
The shoes. Cindy’s shoes.

(He opens a large box of women’s shoes.)

I was buffing them all day.

FITZ:
Cindy gave you her shoes to shine?

FRED:
Well not all of them. These are just her travel flats, her sling backs, and her open-toes. She doesn’t wear her spikes down South. Too elitist. God is she smart.

FITZ:
Cindy gave you her shoes to shine?

FRED:
Not exactly.

FITZ:
You stole her shoes.

FRED:
I’ll bring them right back in the morning. She’ll take one look at them and she’ll be thrilled. Look at this shine.

FITZ:
You stole the candidate’s wife’s shoes.

FRED:
I have to take the initiative, Fitz. How else am I going to get noticed?

FITZ:
What are you trying to do? Be declared an enemy combatant? How did you get into her room?

FRED:
I told her secretary you needed to borrow a spoon. Not for drugs, for yogurt. I was very clear about that.

FITZ:
You gave her my name? You blamed this on me?

FRED:
There’s no blame here. Cindy will give credit to both of us. And John will love it.

FITZ:
John will not love it. And you’ll never find out because he’s going to fire both of us. How are you going to get those back into her room?

FRED:
I’ll bribe somebody. We’ve got lots of money now.

FITZ:
What lots of money. How did you get money?

FRED:
Let me show you. It’s just like in a movie. See?

(Fred opens a briefcase full of cash.)

FITZ:
What the hell is that?

FRED:
It’s a campaign contribution. From Mr. Hua.

FITZ:
Is Mr. Hua by any chance a Chinese national?

FRED:
I guess. Hey, money is money.

FITZ:
We can’t take money like this. He can’t give more than $2,300.

FRED:
That law doesn’t apply to him. He isn’t even an American citizen.

FITZ:
But he’s a permanent resident. Please tell me he’s a permanent resident.

FRED:
No, he was just here for the weekend. Great guy though.

FITZ:
Did you put this on the Federal Election Commission report?

FRED:
Absolutely, you have to. They’re very strict about that.

FITZ:
Did you at least find out who he is? His address?

FRED:
No, he was out of business cards, so I gave him one of yours.

FITZ:
I’m dead. I’m totally dead. I’m Dead Man Talking.

FRED:
You’re always so negative. I think after this John is really going to notice me.

FITZ (On the phone):
Hello? Obama for President? Yuh, I have some information you may be interested in. Which do you like better, shoes or money?

Share on Facebook