Merlene and the Brownies

MERLENE:
Hi, I’m calling for Barb Lipwinter?

BARB:
Well what does that mean? Does mean you want to speak with me?

MERLENE:
Yes I do.

BARB:
Well why didn’t you say that?

MERLENE:
I’m sorry. My name is Merlene.

BARB:
And am I supposed to know you?

MERLENE:
I’m a volunteer with Parents Against Toxics.

BARB:
Well you should’ve said that.

MERLENE:
Do you know who we are?

BARB:
No, but what difference does that make. You should’ve told me that up front. How do I know who I’m talking to here?

MERLENE:
Jon Kaplowitz suggested that I call you.

BARB:
Oh him. Yes, I know him.

MERLENE:
You’re the head of the Brownies troop, is that right?

BARB:
Do you have girls in the Brownies?

MERLENE:
No I don’t.

BARB:
Why not?

MERLENE:
I don’t have any girls. I just have one boy.

BARB:
Then why are you calling me? Don’t you think I have enough to do putting up with all the Brownie mothers? You don’t even have girls. What business is this of yours?

MERLENE:
Well you probably know that Parents Against Toxics is working to improve the quality of the air our kids are breathing and we’re also concerned about traffic congestion and high gasoline prices. Do you feel that our elected leaders are doing enough to reduce what we’re spending on gasoline?

BARB:
Well Holy Christmas, sweetheart. What does that have to do with the Brownies?

MERLENE:
We’d like to organize a car pool for the Brownie mothers as a way to show people that they can save lots of gas money by driving less.

BARB:
Oh you would, would you. You people. You just never let up, do you. Who has time for all that?

MERLENE:
Well we think people can save time and money by car pooling and reducing their expenditures on gasoline.

BARB:
They only bring their girls here for one meeting a week. What kind of money are you going to save doing that?

MERLENE:
Yes, but if people see that they can save some money on all the places they have to drive their kids, then they’ll realize they can save even more money by carpooling with their neighbors to get to work every day.

BARB:
Carpooling with my neighbors? What do I want to do that for? That’s just stupid.

MERLENE:
You could save money and they could save money. And you’d get to know your neighbors.

BARB:
Why would I want to do that? Do you know who my neighbors are? Some of these guys, you get close to them and smell their aftershave, you don’t know where they’ve been. Do you have any idea where they’ve been?

MERLENE:
I guess they’ve been to the store to buy aftershave.

BARB:
Well maybe, but then where did they go after the store? That’s my question.

MERLENE:
I have no idea. But don’t you think the Brownie mothers would like to hear about how to save money by riding together?

BARB:
You think I haven’t tried to talk to them about important things? How to walk in a skirt. Making peanut brittle. That Debbie Frisco, she’s a horror show. She isn’t going to give you the time of day.

MERLENE:
Well not everybody has to participate for it to be successful.

BARB:
I said to her, I said Please tell your daughter to wear sneakers when we go to the park and she says to me Who are you to tell me how to raise my daughter? As if she’s doing such a good job.

MERLENE:
If I could just come to one of your parent meetings….

BARB:
Lipstick when you’re nine years old? And that color was all wrong for her.

MERLENE:
We could also do a session for the Brownies on global warming and energy conservation.

BARB:
These girls aren’t interested in that. They’re girls. Don’t you know what girls are?

MERLENE:
I’m sure we could interest the mothers in saving money on gasoline.

BARB:
You can’t save money if the price keeps going up. That’s just stupid. This whole thing is stupid.

MERLENE:
Let’s suppose you normally travel 20 miles to work.

BARB:
Well I only drive 18 miles to work, so this doesn’t apply to me.

MERLENE:
But let’s suppose it’s 20 miles.

BARB:
You can suppose, but it’s not going to do you any good.

MERLENE:
So that’s 200 miles a week. You get 25 miles to the gallon, so you have to buy 8 gallons, which costs $24. But if you only drive one day a week, you’ll save 4/5 of that, which is $19. You’re saving $19 a week.

BARB:
Well what good is $19 when that’ll only buy 6 or 7 gallons of gas? It’s like you’re not saving anything. That’s just stupid.

MERLENE:
If we could just get a few minutes at your next parents meeting to talk about how important this is.

BARB:
These ladies get cranky. They won’t sit still for that.

MERLENE:
It would only take about 15 minutes.

BARB:
Only about 15 minutes?

MERLENE:
That’s all.

BARB:
Well….Do you suppose you could make it last like half an hour?

MERLENE:
Yes, I suppose.

BARB:
And could I step outside for a cigarette while you do it?

MERLENE:
I don’t see why not.

BARB:
Well then I guess that would be okay. The next meeting is on the 13th at 7 PM.

MERLENE:
That’s great. We’ll be there.

BARB:
But you’re not going to talk about these people in greenhouses who have gas? I just don’t get that.

MERLENE:
I’ll try not to.

BARB:
Because that would be just stupid.