Mightier than the Penn

STEVE:
Merlene?

MERLENE:
Yes.

STEVE:
Steve Stevenson, how are you. Call me Steve. When you think of me, think of a person named Steve. Welcome to Burson-Marsteller.

MERLENE:
Thank you so much.

STEVE:
And you’re welcome very much. We’re so happy to have you with us to fill this new position. You’ll be playing a critical role for our organization and I can’t tell you how important you are to the entire future of the Burson-Marsteller family.

MERLENE:
Didn’t you hire me to be the receptionist?

STEVE:
Yesterday, yes. But today, we have promoted you to a new position as our Telecom Attaché. And you’ll be happy to know that this new job will come with no pay cut whatsoever.

MERLENE:
So I’m not going to be answering the phone?

STEVE:
Oh no, you will definitely be answering the phone. But after this whole silly episode with our senior partner Mark Penn and the Hillary Clinton presidential campaign, none of us here are going to be able to answer any questions from the press for a long time. So we need those questions to be answered by someone like you.

MERLENE:
Isn’t that kind of an important job for your receptionist?

STEVE:
It is, absolutely. But if you say something wrong, we’ll just deny it later and say it was just our silly receptionist mouthing off. You’re not offended by that, are you?

MERLENE:
I guess not.

STEVE:
Because it’s absolutely not personal. But if you do it right, there’s a great future for you here, and someday, you could have your own company business card.

MERLENE:
I’m really humbled.

STEVE:
Yes I know.

MERLENE:
But what do I say when they ask questions? Can I refer them to you?

STEVE:
No, no, absolutely not. I’ll be out of town and unreachable as will all senior members of the management team beginning approximately 2 hours ago. So we have prepared this list of responses for you which I would like you to practice right now so you feel comfortable with them.

MERLENE:
I’m not sure I feel comfortable with this whole thing. Is this really…..

STEVE:
You’re going to do great, Merlene, there’s absolutely nothing to worry about, and as long as you don’t talk to the U.S. Attorney, they can’t file any charges against you.

MERLENE:
What charges are you…..

STEVE:
Let’s just go through this point by point, and then I really have to chopper down to the Caymans. You’ve been there, right?

MERLENE:
Actually…..

STEVE:
Sure you have. I’ll give you the questions and you read off the answers. Ready? Is Mr. Penn there?

MERLENE (Reading):
Mr. Penn is not here and if he were here, I would not be able to tell you that.

STEVE:
Excellent delivery. Question 2. Didn’t Mr. Penn know that he had a conflict of interest with Colombia?

MERLENE (Reading):
Mr. Penn does not have a conflict of interest with Colombia. He has never drunk Colombian coffee and he has documents to prove that.

STEVE:
Good. But say it like it’s obvious. Like they must be idiots if they don’t know this. Question 3. Isn’t it true that your firm was in effect running the entire campaign, directing the campaign and speaking for the campaign?

MERLENE (Reading):
No, that is not true. We did not speak for the Clinton campaign. We told the Clinton campaign what to do, but we did not speak for the Clinton campaign.

STEVE:
Okay, this is a trick question. Is Mrs. Clinton likeable?

MERLENE (Reading):
Yes, we think that Mrs. Clinton is likeable. Or at least likeable enough.

STEVE:
Excellent. Isn’t it true that Burson-Marsteller engages in union-busting?

MERLENE (Reading):
No. Burson-Marsteller does not engage in union-busting. We give public relations advice to corporate clients who may consider union-busting as one of their best options. Should one of these clients actually go ahead with union-busting, it is their decision, not ours. If we didn’t provide this advice, some other consultant would, although their advice would not be as good as ours.

STEVE:
And finally, if Mr. Penn didn’t do anything wrong, why did he resign from the campaign?

MERLENE:
To spend more time with his family?

STEVE:
That’s not on the sheet. How did you know that? How could you possibly have known that? Merlene, you are a dream come true.