The Republican Public Option
INT. HOSPITAL EMERGENCY ROOM - DAY
A NURSE ANSWERS THE PHONE.
NURSE: Nancy Pelosi is a whore, good morning....Yes, this is the Republican National Committee Hospital and Grill...Yes, the bar is open. Eighteen dollar shots if you sign the malpractice waiver form.
PATIENT ENTERS OFF THE STREET.
PATIENT: Is this the emergency room?
NURSE: No, it's the Republican emergency room.
PATIENT: In a bar?
NURSE: Of course it's in a bar. Where else would you expect to find a Republican doctor? What's the emergency.
PATIENT: I have a terrible, terrible headache. The worst I've ever had. I need to see a doctor right away.
NURSE: Do you have a hundred thousand dollars in cash?
PATIENT: No.
NURSE: Well why not.
PATIENT: I have health insurance.
NURSE: Alright. $500 co-payment and no back-talk. You can wait over there. But stay off the rich people's carpeting.
PHONE RINGS. NURSE ANSWERS IT.
NURSE: RNC Hospital. Yes, Nancy Pelosi's mother was a whore also. How can I help you...No, it is not true that we have no running water. We have no public running watter. We do not do business with the Department of Public Works. We do not believe in anything that's public...Well, if you become a patient here and you want water, we allow you to go out back and dig a well...Yes, cancer is caused by gay people, that is correct. Have a nice day.
BLEEDING GUY ENTERS.
BLEEDING GUY: I need a doctor.
NURSE: Do you have $100,000 in cash?
BLEEDING GUY: No. I have a gun-shot wound.
NURSE: That's impossible. Guns don't shoot people. Only people shoot people.
BLEEDING GUY: Okay, okay, it's a people-shot wound. I need an M.D.
NURSE: Insurance?
BLEEDING GUY: Yes. Can't you do something? I'm bleeding to death.
NURSE: Better dead than red. $500 co-pay. Take the stairs to the 11th floor. And stay out of the rich people's elevator.
HE LEAVES. NURSE ANSWERS THE RINGING PHONE.
NURSE: Republican Hospital. Yes, her daughter and her granddaughter are also. May I help you? Yes, we do provide wheelchairs. Just make sure you bring lots of quarters.
PATIENT RUNS IN.
PATIENT: Nurse, there's a fire. The hospital is on fire.
HE RUNS OUT.
NURSE: No, the hospital is not on fire. There is no fire. I hate people who spread rumors. I hate that.
A DOCTOR RUNS IN.
DOCTOR: The hospital is on fire. I can't drink here.
THE DOCTOR RUNS OFF.
NURSE: The hospital is not on fire.
SOUND: Fire alarm goes off.
THE DOCTOR RUNS BACK IN.
DOCTOR: The rich people's elevator isn't working. What do we do?
THE NURSE HANDS THE DOCTOR A THICK WAD OF CASH.
NURSE: Here's our money. Just throw all our money down the stairs and the rest of the doctors will run after it.
THE NURSE SPEAKS INTO THE P.A. SYSTEM.
NURSE: This is the Emergency Room. I am all alone up here. Can I have some help please? Don't you people understand that we have to take care of each other?
THE PATIENT RUNS BACK IN.
PATIENT: The fire department is here. But Security won't let them in.
NURSE: That's impossible. Why wouldn't Security...Did you say it's the Public Fire Department?
FADE OUT
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