Screw Congress, Create More Jobs
(The Oval Office.)
POTUS: Okay, that’s it. No more Mr. Nice Guy. I have had it with you people. Since there is now an end-of-summer sale on gross negligence and stupidity, Congress is again dragging its feet on approving my $30 billion program to cut taxes and boost lending for small businesses. We know most new jobs are created by small businesses, especially the “gazelle” firms in growth areas like clean energy and biotech. And we know that small business lending has never fully recovered from the 2008 financial melt-down, which I did not create, and people who think otherwise can go take a flying one. So now I have a radical, off the wall, Oh My God, shock without the awe plan. We are going to forget Congress. You heard me. Forget Congress. Screw ‘em. Get the banks to lend money to small businesses. I know, I know, it sounds Looney Tunes. But listen to me.
(He lights up a cigarette.)
We don’t need the Senate. We don’t need the 60 votes. We don’t need the Republicans. I just told Timmy to call up the presidents of the six big banks, the same ones we bailed out last year, and here’s what he’s going to say to them:
Dudes, you are going to lend this entire $30 billion. There will be no need for new legislation. Congress will not be involved, so there’s no point in you trying to buy them off the way you usually do. We know there is a whole network of not-for-profit organizations with years of experience lending to small businesses. Places like Accion, that has loaned nearly $277 million to over 24,000 clients and currently serves more than 5,100 active borrowers in 46 states. Or MicroPlace, that was started by eBay. Or Self-Help in North Carolina. In fact there’s a U.S. Treasury Department program which certifies community development financial institutions, and they have a list of over a thousand of them.
So Timmy is going to tell Citibank, JPMorgan Chase, Wells Fargo, Bank of America, Morgan Stanley, and Goldman Sachs that they are going to lend $30 billion today, at 1% interest. With no federal guarantees. You expect federal guarantees? Screw you. And why are you going to do it? Because you owe us. Because the President of the United States is asking you to lead this economy out of the recession instead of standing around holding your dick. Because there is a Community Reinvestment Act which requires banks to meet the credit needs of their local communities. And because you need to give the rest of us a reason not to shut you down, you ungrateful, overpaid sons of bitches.
Thank you, and God bless America.
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