The State of Isabelle
ISABELLE: Is this Senator Jimmy DePaul?
DEPAUL: No, this is someone who’s going to tell you to go screw yourself. Who is this and why am I talking to you?
ISABELLE: This is Isabelle Slavitt. I’m returning your call to the governor.
DEPAUL: Is this the way they treat Jimmy DePaul? Is this the way a senator is treated now? What kind of crap is this, Isabelle?
ISABELLE: I believe you were calling about the member items being cut from the budget?
DEPAUL: No I was calling about a vital service to my district being cut from the budget. Specifically the Senator Jimmy DePaul After-School Center.
ISABELLE: All of the member item grants to organizations that received negative ratings from the state auditor have been cut from the budget, as the governor explained two weeks ago.
DEPAUL: Negative ratings from the state auditor? Are you serious? The state auditor rides a bicycle. You’re listening to the state auditor?
ISABELLE: The findings of the state auditor…..
DEPAUL: Are you even wearing underwear? Is this a real person?
ISABELLE: The state auditor found that the DePaul After-School Center had misused funds set aside to buy reading material for the students.
DEPAUL: Those funds were used to buy reading material.
ISABELLE: Maxim Magazine is not suitable reading for children.
DEPAUL: So they can look at the pictures.
ISABELLE: The audit found that your help with math homework consisted of letting the children sword-fight with their rulers.
DEPAUL: Well if that’s not math, I don’t know what is.
ISABELLE: You spent $20,000 on leather sheets.
DEPAUL: You never heard of nap time?
ISABELLE: They were delivered to your house.
DEPAUL: That was a shipping error. I never opened the package. I smelled them a few times and then that was it.
ISABELLE: The director of the center was found in bed with the assistant director.
DEPAUL: No, no, no. I know for a fact that the assistant director doesn’t have a bed. That’s why I gave her the job. I felt sorry for her.
ISABELLE: It was the children who found them.
DEPAUL: So arrest the children. How is that my fault? What was the state auditor doing looking in the director’s bedroom?
ISABELLE: The bed was in his office.
DEPAUL: Well, once we bought the leather sheets, we had to try them out.
ISABELLE: The director gave the children sips of his beer.
DEPAUL: Yes, but it was light beer. What do you want him to give them? Grape juice? You know what that stuff does to the carpeting? If you weren’t an idiot you would understand these things.
ISABELLE: If you weren’t a corrupt, for-sale, hack legislator, you would understand these things. What am I doing here talking to people like you? Is this what I got my degree in political science for? Is this what I volunteered and interned and pined and yearned for? I had to save up money so I could afford to take this job. And now I’m losing it. In two weeks I don’t have a job anymore. Because you don’t have the spine to approve the governor’s tax reform package and fund public services, you Neanderthal, patronage asshole.
DEPAUL: I can’t believe I’m hearing this. Isabelle. Sweetheart. Why didn’t you tell me you need a job? We have an opening.
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