Synchronized Bullying

JUAN:
Good morning, ladies and gentlemen of the press. Just in case you don't remember me, my name is Juan Valdez. No jokes please. I am the Director of Communications and Tourism for the entire and most glorious nation of Colombia. If you like to snort, come into our port.

REPORTER 1:
What's this about Juan? Who calls a press conference at 6 in the morning?

JUAN:
Biff, you are privileged to be among the first to hear the most important announcement ever announced in the history of announcing things. El Presidente, the Honorable Alvaro Uribe, has given me the honor of announcing that the 2008 Summer Olympic Games will be held here in Bogotá.

REPORTER 2:
What are you, drunk? The games are being held in China. In Beijing.

JUAN:
You are wrong, laptop-breath. The times, they are a re-arranging. You have all reported for the past days, months, weeks, whatever, that China is a shambles. The Tibetan protests have turned the country upside down. Human rights violations everywhere. Police crackdowns on a daily basis.

REPORTER 3:
What does that have to do with Colombia?

JUAN:
Mira, Schuyler. Isn't it obvious? You can't hold the Olympic Games in the middle of a nightmare police state. It's impossible. Besides, who can stand eating Chinese food every night for two weeks?

REPORTER 3:
But what does that…..

JUAN:
El Presidente has made the ultimate magnanimous gesture of offering the glorious City of Bogotá to the International Olympic Committee as an immediate substitute for the unconscionable hellhole of Beijing.

REPORTER 2:
And you're saying that the IOC has accepted this offer?

JUAN:
We don't know. Their line is busy. But what choice do they have? We have stopped construction of our new multi-billion dollar sewage treatment plant and we are now converting it into a grand 200,000-seat Olympic Stadium. With bathrooms.

REPORTER 1:
You're telling us that Colombia is going to host the Olympics because China has human rights violations?

JUAN:
Yes. That is your sound bite.

REPORTER 1:
Juan, get real. Colombia has the worst human rights record in the Western Hemisphere. Paramilitary bullies everywhere? Members of the opposition threatened and intimidated?

JUAN:
No, no, no, Biff. You cannot accuse us of that. I know what goes on in other places. I have lived in Northern New Jersey. You can't fool me about these things.

REPORTER 1:
But Colombia has been in a civil war for five decades.

JUAN:
No, it's only been four decades. And most of the time, you hardly notice it.

REPORTER 3:
You've had 50 labor leaders murdered since last year.

JUAN:
Hey, that wasn't my idea. And besides, nobody ever saw anything.

REPORTER 2:
You have 3.8 million displaced people.

JUAN:
They are not displaced, Muffy, they are on-the-go. Colombians like to travel. We are not stick-in-the-muds. I think it comes from watching all those old Yankee road movies. I used to have a thing for Dorothy Lamour.

REPORTER 3:
But Colombia is the world's largest producer of illegal drugs.

JUAN:
Exactly. That is why the Olympic athletes will love this place. It's a perfect fit.

REPORTER 1:
Juan, I'm sure you know the proposed Colombia Free Trade Agreement is in big trouble in the U.S. Congress because of your country's terrible reputation.

JUAN:
Reputation? You mean like we kiss in the backseat? What are you talking about?

REPORTER 1:
Economists say the FTA is going to make Colombia's disparity between rich and poor even greater.

JUAN:
You say that like it's a bad thing.

REPORTER 3:
You know what the opposition is saying. The FTA will destroy small farmers. Without tariffs, local farms will be wiped out. Just like the 1.3 million farmers in Mexico were wiped out by NAFTA.

JUAN:
Oh well, Mexico. That's because all they know how to grow there are jalapenos. How many of those can you eat?

REPORTER 1:
But the FTA will mean total privatization of water resources, healthcare, and education.

JUAN:
Who better to take care of our water supply than Coca Cola? Water is just like Coca Cola, except it has more water in it. Plus, they have Coca in their name, so how can we not love them?

REPORTER 2:
How are you going to pay for all this, Juan?

JUAN:
That's the best part. We got a loan. One hundred billion dollars U.S. It was just wired into our account last night. This is why I called you.

REPORTER 3:
A hundred billion dollar loan? From who?

JUAN:
Maybe you know them. Bear Stearns?