Toddler With An Edge

(Doctor’s office.)

MINDY:
When were you going to tell me that he failed pedaling?

CLARK:
He didn’t fail. Children learn to ride bicycles at different ages. He just doesn’t have the knack of it yet.

MINDY:
Well when is he supposed to get it? He’s five years old.

CLARK:
I’m just as upset as you are.

MINDY:
Thank God Dr. Klinsky was able to see us on such short notice.

CLARK:
It doesn’t mean that Crawford is not gifted.

MINDY:
Don’t even say that. Of course he’s gifted. How could he not be gifted?

CLARK:
I didn’t say he wasn’t. I’m just concerned about his math skills.

MINDY:
His math skills are fine. He’s studying trigonometry.

CLARK:
I asked him to count to ten and he gave me the names of the seven dwarfs.

MINDY:
He has his interview at Worcestershire Prep on Monday. He needs to retain his confidence. Did you tell Colleen to get his wing tips polished?

CLARK:
She knows.

MINDY:
With the detailing?

CLARK:
Will you stop acting like I don’t understand what shoes are?

MINDY:
Maybe it’s the bicycle. I think that GPS is distracting. I told you the screen is too big.

CLARK:
My son is going to know where he’s going.

MINDY:
What is his resume going to look like without bike riding on it? What are we supposed to put in there? Plays with a wheel?

CLARK:
We have to emphasize the music. He has a great talent for percussion.

MINDY:
Banging his trumpet on the piano is not an indicator of rhythm. The teacher explained that to us, but you just wouldn’t listen would you?

(DR. KLINSKY enters.)

DR. KLINSKY:
Mindy, Clark. So sorry I’m late. I got here as quickly as I could.

MINDY:
We’re very concerned, Doctor.

DR. KLINSKY:
And I’m here for you. Tell me what’s wrong. Has Crawford been lying again?

CLARK:
Yes, but since we hired that fact-checker to travel around with him, I think it’s getting better.

DR. KLINSKY:
I’m so glad to hear that. Lying is very common, but the vast majority of youngsters grow out of it. At a certain point, they either stop lying, or they become criminals.

MINDY:
The problem is the bicycle. He’s just not learning it.

DR. KLINSKY:
Oh dear. That’s terrible.

CLARK:
He knows how to pedal and he knows how to keep his balance, but he can’t do them both at the same time.

DR. KLINSKY:
This must be agonizing for you.

CLARK:
He starts screaming and crying and then I start screaming and crying, and I just don’t think that’s good for him.

DR. KLINSKY:
No, no, of course not.

MINDY:
His interview at Worcestershire Prep is on Tuesday, and then two weeks later, they bring him back for his performance and social skills review, and I just know he isn’t going to make it.

DR. KLINSKY:
Oh but Mindy, you need to think positive about this.

MINDY:
No, that’s not good enough. Clark and I have discussed this and we have to deal with the bicycle issue head-on. We want you to prescribe doping agents.

DR. KLINSKY:
Excuse me?

MINDY:
Those doping agents that the Tour de France bicyclists use. They increase the flow of oxygen in the blood, they give you more energy, more body strength, and that’s what Crawford needs. It’s obvious at this point.

DR. KLINSKY:
Mindy, they throw out cyclists who use those drugs. Doping is against the rules.

MINDY:
The rules only apply to professional cyclists. He still has his amateur status. By the time he’s 18 and eligible, the drugs will be out of his system.

DR. KLINSKY:
He’s five years old.

MINDY:
And he has to start off right.

DR. KLINSKY:
I’m sorry, I can’t do that. I care very much about you both and of course about Crawford, but this would violate every standard of professional ethics I have. I can’t do it.

MINDY:
You mean you can’t, or you won’t.

DR. KLINSKY:
Just give him a few weeks, I’m sure he’ll come around.

MINDY:
We don’t have a few weeks. Tell him, Clark.

CLARK:
Dr. Klinsky, we didn’t want to do this, but…we made an appointment for tomorrow with…..

DR. KLINSKY:
You didn’t.

CLARK:
We had to. We made an appointment with Dr. Prokofiev.

DR. KLINSKY:
My arch-rival.

CLARK:
We had no choice.

MINDY:
If you won’t help us, Dr. Prokofiev will.

DR. KLINSKY:
This is criminal. This is extortion.

MINDY:
Yes, and it’s what my son deserves. Give us what we need or we’re going to Dr. Prokofiev.

DR. KLINSKY:
Alright, alright. I don’t want to cause any further pain in your family. This is a very sensitive situation and I have to recognize the greater good.

CLARK:
Then you’ll get us what we need?

DR. KLINSKY:
I know someone who has a connection with….you know, sports medicine. I should be able to have something for you over the weekend.

CLARK:
Thank you, Doctor. Thank you so much. You have no idea how grateful we are.

DR. KLINSKY:
If you’ll excuse me, I have to make some calls.

CLARK:
Yes, yes, of course. Thank you again.

(CLARK leaves.)

MINDY:
And one other thing Dr. Klinsky?

DR. KLINSKY:
Yes?

MINDY:
You’ll throw in an extra 25 of those pills at adult strength for me? Just for emergencies? Oh don’t look at me like that, I’m not going on the Tour. I switched to wind surfing years ago.

Share on Facebook