Too Big To Nail
(Washington, D.C.)
JOHNNY: You no-good lying sack of leftover dog meat. How’s my best friend from K Street?
TED: Say there, you’re looking good, Johnny. This new job as Chief Counsel to the Senate Finance Committee must be good for you. Looks like you lost some weight did you?
JOHNNY: Well I love using that Senate staff gym, Ted. And wait till you hear this, you registered lobbyist degenerate. I finally stopped smoking.
TED: Is that so? Well that’s great. Good for you. How’s the family. How’s the kids. How’s the wife.
JOHNNY: Hey, hey, hey, you don’t fool me for one second there, you lousy piece of wet farina. You don’t care about my wife any more than I do. You’re here to get us to back down on regulation of the finance industry. You think that we think that you’re all-powerful and we have to do whatever you say because otherwise you’ll turn off the faucet and we’ll all starve to death.
TED: No, no, no. We’re just trying to bring this whole thing back down to earth, Johnny. You can’t be serious about these limits on executive compensation. You expect us to hire an ex-convict high school drop-out with bad breath for our CEO?
JOHNNY: No, we didn’t say that.
TED: Well who else is going to take the job for less than $500,000 a year? You don’t understand the situation because you’re not an investment banker.
JOHNNY: Well okay, you got a point there.
TED: You know what’s going to happen if you raise the capital reserve requirements? The unemployment rate is going to go up to a hundred percent.
JOHNNY: A hundred percent unemployment? That’s impossible, Ted. I don’t see how that can happen.
TED: Of course you don’t because you’re not in finance. You know what’s going to happen if you set up this Financial Consumer Protection Agency?
JOHNNY: What.
TED: Overnight, every single widow and orphan is going to commit suicide.
JOHNNY: Really?
TED: Of course. It stands to reason. Do you know how to explain the behavior of all people all over the world?
JOHNNY: No.
TED: Well we do.
JOHNNY: Yuh, but widows and orphans?
TED: Nothing I can do about it. You know what’s going to happen if we’re not allowed to sell credit default swaps?
JOHNNY: Not really.
TED: Of course you don’t. But everybody in finance knows that if you stop credit default swaps, the Missouri River will overflow and the entire Midwest will be wiped out.
JOHNNY: That’s ridiculous. You have no way of knowing that’s going to happen.
TED: Snap your fingers, Johnny.
JOHNNY: Why.
TED: Snap your fingers. Okay, I’ll do it.
(Ted snaps his fingers. We hear a thunderclap and then a hard, steady rain. Johnny looks outside.)
JOHNNY: How did you do that?
TED: We do it.
JOHNNY: Nobody can just make it rain, God damn it.
(Johnny lights up a cigarette.)
TED: These are things you know nothing about, Johnny. You mess around with them and you’re going to get burned to a crisp.
(The fire alarm goes off.)
JOHNNY: Must be a fire drill or something.
(The P.A. system comes on.)
P.A. VOICE: This is a not a drill. This is the fire marshal. There is a raging fire on the top floor of the Everett Dirkson Senate Office Building. The fire has no known origin, it is rapidly spreading, and we have no way to put it out. Please stand by for further announcements.
JOHNNY: You have to stop this right now.
TED: It’s too late for that now, Johnny.
(Johnny starts popping pills and chasing them with whiskey.)
JOHNNY: C’mon, Ted. I’m sure we can work out some kind of compromise.
TED: I don’t think so, Johnny. Turn on the radio.
JOHNNY: Why should I turn on the radio?
(TED turns on the radio. JOHNNY dials his phone.)
RADIO NEWSCASTER VOICE: This just in. A severe thunderstorm which started right outside the Everett Dirkson Senate Office Building in Washington, D.C. has now spread to the Missouri River and has caused severe flooding throughout the Midwest.
JOHNNY (Into the phone): Honey, it’s me. Shut the windows and lock all the doors. Don’t let anybody in. I know they’re our children, but we can’t take any chances. Did you send the will in to the lawyer? I told you to…Honey? Honey?
(Johnny throws down the phone.)
JOHNNY: What am I supposed to do, Ted? What am I supposed to do?
TED: Ahh, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny. You’ll do the same thing that everyone in your position has always done. You’ll come work for us.
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