Total Recall

TOTAL RECALL

(Press conference.)

CDC:
Good morning. Welcome to the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta. In keeping with our mission to protect the public health and well being of the American people, we are today recommending a total product recall. We are asking that every unit of this product be recalled immediately.

REPORTER 1:
What product is this?

CDC:
The Congress of the United States.

REPORTER 1:
You mean some product that the Congress uses? Like Post-Its or martinis or something?

CDC:
No, we mean Congress itself. All the members of the House of Representatives and the U.S. Senate. They should all be recalled.

REPORTER 1:
Isn't this announcement going to be controversial?

CDC:
We don't think so. While it is always difficult to prove cause and effect, we have epidemiological studies showing that these particular Senators and Congress people are strongly associated with poor education, a wide disparity between rich and poor, inability of families to make ends meet, increasing mental illness, and death. Lots of death.

REPORTER 1:
You're saying there is an association?

CDC:
There is a very clear association. These members of Congress are all strongly associated with the incidence of violent death, death by killing, horrific death, and of course death in the afternoon.

REPORTER 2:
How widespread is this?

CDC:
Very widespread. We cannot say that the entire batch is contaminated, but we have now tested more than half our samples, and if we waited any longer before making this announcement, we would clearly be irresponsible.

REPORTER 2:
Do we have any idea what has caused this contamination?

CDC:
The cause of the contamination is actually very clear. The choices have consumers have made is destroying their health.

REPORTER 1:
Are you saying that this product, that is Congress, carries with it a health risk?

CDC:
No, we are saying that this product carries with it a health certainty.

REPORTER 1:
And what is that certainty?

CDC:
Basically, death. Lots of death.

REPORTER 1:
Which is bad for their health?

CDC:
Death? Yes, death is bad for their health. In most cases.

REPORTER 2:
How did this contamination occur?

CDC:
From what we can tell, it did not happen during the manufacturing process. Most of these legislators came from good homes with loving parents. We thought for awhile that they had eaten too many trans fats, but that cause has now been eliminated. The problem seems to be at the point of purchase.

REPORTER 2:
You mean there needs to be better inspection procedures at the retail level?

CDC:
Absolutely. Over half of consumers deliberately do not participate in the inspection process, leaving it up to the others to inspect. And then these non-participants complain later about how sick they're getting. This is like giving someone else your money to go to the supermarket, not telling them what to buy, and then not understanding why you're eating Hamburger Helper every night for 150 years.

REPORTER 2:
But what about the people who do inspect before they buy?

CDC:
From what we can tell, they make their inspection purely based on what they see on television. They will choose whichever product they see on television the most often and whichever one looks the best on television.

REPORTER 1:
Are there variations in this based on demographics?

CDC:
Yes, there are, but it doesn't really affect the outcome. Older consumers wish that they could vote for someone who is now dead. Younger consumers wish they could vote for someone who has more tattoos and body piercing than they have. Both groups are ultimately disappointed.

REPORTER 1:
How will this recall be implemented?

CDC:
We have no authority to carry out a recall. It can only be done by consumers in the inspection process, flawed as it is. But we hold out hope that if this press conference is shown on television at least 10,000 times in selected markets, some consumers will make their selections more carefully. This will be on television, won't it?

REPORTER 1:
This? On television?

REPORTER 2:
What are you, drunk?