I Have Troubled Assets

MERLENE: I’m sorry, Randy, you can’t go.

RANDY: But it’s our class trip. It’s to the Planetarium. It’s like our only class trip in the entire millennium. Before we all die.

MERLENE: You’re not going to die, and they’re supposed to pay for these things. It’s a public school. They’re supposed to pay for everything.

RANDY: Nuh-uhh.

(Randy makes a buzzer sound.)

RANDY: That’s wrong. That’s wrong-wrong-wrong. That is incorrect.

MERLENE: You don’t have to sound so happy about it.

RANDY: Ms. Alkabelka says it’s extra-curricular, and the school can’t pay, cause of budget cuts. And the Planetarium can’t pay, cause of budget cuts.

MERLENE: What about my budget cuts?

RANDY: It’s only $6.

MERLENE: We just can’t afford it right now.

RANDY: Is that cause you were laid on?

MERLENE: I was laid off. You have to learn to say “Laid Off.” If you say it the other way, it means something else.

RANDY: What does it mean?

MERLENE: It doesn’t matter what it means, you just shouldn’t say it that way.

RANDY: Does it mean you got fired?

MERLENE: No, it does not mean I got fired. You get fired if you do something wrong. I didn’t do anything wrong.

RANDY: So what’s the point in doing everything right if you still get laid on?

MERLENE: Laid off.

RANDY: Yuh, that too. Ms. Alkabelka says it’s the economy.

MERLENE: Well, I’m sure she would know.

RANDY: So we don’t have any money and we can’t eat and we’re going to die?

MERLENE: No, we’re not going to die. I have an interview at another store. It’s just that we have to save our pennies until then.

RANDY: Why can’t we just make more money?

MERLENE: Why didn’t I think of that. Yes, that’s a great idea, Randy. You should go ahead and do that.

RANDY: Okay, I’m going to go out and do that.

MERLENE: Where are you going?

RANDY: To make more money.

MERLENE: You’re 10 years old.

RANDY: I know. That’s why it’s such a good plan. No one will ever suspect.

MERLENE: Suspect what?

RANDY: That Billy and me are doing a pyramid scheme.

MERLENE: Billy and I.

RANDY: You’re in on it too?

MERLENE: No, I’m not in on it. Was this Billy’s idea?

RANDY: No, but I need him because he has an innocent face.

MERLENE: Pyramid schemes are against the law. How did you hear about this?

RANDY: Ms. Alkabelka gave me a book to read for extra credit.

MERLENE: Wonderful. That’s just great. Did she tell you it was against the law? Did she tell you that you would get caught and go to jail?

RANDY: No I wouldn’t get caught. Because I’m the only one in the whole school who’s read the book. See Billy and me tell all our friends that if they collect a quarter from each of their friends and give all the quarters to us, we’ll give them half the money and a pizza bagel.

MERLENE: Why are you giving them a pizza bagel?

RANDY: Cause they’re really good. And if we give them each a pizza bagel, they’ll like us.

MERLENE: You’re not doing this. Forget it.

RANDY: So then can Billy and I use his computer to hack into the Fidelity National Bank and steal $6?

MERLENE: No, you may not.

RANDY: But it’s only $6.

MERLENE: I said no.

RANDY: Ms. Alkabelka said the banks are refusing to lend money and we have to get the economy moving again.

MERLENE: I’m sure that stealing from the bank is not what she meant. Fairly sure.

RANDY: It’s what we’re supposed to do. It’s called the Troubled Asset Recovery Program.

MERLENE: I said no.

RANDY: Billy and me are troubled assets.

MERLENE: Just forget the whole thing. After I get my new job, I’ll pay you to do some chores around the house.

RANDY: Can I clean out the medicine cabinet?

MERLENE: Why do you want to clean out the medicine cabinet?

RANDY: Can Billy and I come with you to the PTA meeting tonight?

MERLENE: Why?

RANDY: Can Billy and I clean out the medicine cabinet and then come with you to the PTA meeting tonight?

MERLENE: Why are you asking me this?

RANDY: Cause Billy’s big sister says that the women at the PTA meeting always look like they could use some prescription drugs. So Billy and I could sell them our extra drugs and then I would have the money to go to the Planetarium.

MERLENE: No! No, no, no. You cannot do that. And you are making Mommy very angry.

RANDY: Then can we ask each of the women at the PTA meeting for a quarter?

(The phone rings. Merlene answers it.)

MERLENE: Yes? Yes, that’s me. It’s cancelled? But what happens to his class? It gets merged with another class? But that is totally unfair. How can you…..Yes, I know you’re only the messenger. Thank you.

(Merlene hangs up.)

MERLENE: The class trip is cancelled. No one is going.

RANDY: How come?

MERLENE: There’s been another budget cut. Ms. Alkabelka just got laid on.

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