Vote for the Papist

KEN:
(Into the phone.) Christian Broadcasting Network. No, I didn't steal your purse. I can't talk to you now, Mom. ( PARKER bursts into Ken's office.)

PARKER:
Praise the lord, Ken. Praise the lord.

KEN:
Praise the lord, Parker. I'm on the phone here.

PARKER:
I can't breath. I can't breath, Ken. How did this happen?

KEN:
Parker, why are you crying?

PARKER:
Have you heard the news?

KEN:
The good news?

PARKER:
No, not that. The terrible news about Brother Pat.

KEN:
(Into the phone.) I'm going to have to call you back. Mom, I have to call you back. I'm at work. I'm busy here. I have a very important job.

PARKER:
They said downstairs that our brother, Pat Robertson, has committed a mortal.....

KEN:
(Into the phone.) What do you mean, you hear a woman's voice? What difference does that make? No, I'm not going to tell you what she's wearing. I have to go. Praise the lord. (He hangs up.) Parker, what is it?

PARKER:
Didn't you hear? Brother Pat has endorsed Rudy Giuliani for president.

KEN:
Parker, we all saw this coming. You can't get all emotional about it.

PARKER:
How does Jesus let you say that?

KEN:
We can't do this now, sweetheart. We'll talk the whole thing through at dinner tonight.

PARKER:
Tonight? I didn't say we could have dinner tonight.

KEN:
It's just dinner.

PARKER:
You're a married man.

KEN:
Married men have dinner.

PARKER:
With their wives.

KEN:
She knows I'm working late.

PARKER:
That's not working. Going to dinner isn't working.

KEN:
It's a working dinner. People have working dinners. People take a working weekend together.

PARKER:
I am seeing my boyfriend Tucker, praise Jesus.

KEN:
I thought we were friends.

PARKER:
Yes, but friends don't violate the sanctity of marriage and faithfulness and having a boyfriend.

KEN:
Was it Tucker who got you this internship? Was it Tucker who found you at the bottom of the second quartile at Patrick Henry College and told you that you have a future in Christian broadcasting if you don't get too pushy and wear the right eye makeup? Was it Tucker who got you a paying fellowship to work on the Armageddon Cookbook?

PARKER:
Praise Jesus, Ken, I know you've put yourself out and been so wonderful and everything.

KEN:
Who's the one who's looking out for your future?

PARKER:
What does that have to do with Brother Pat endorsing Giuliani?

KEN:
You might enjoy having dinner with someone who has his feet on the ground.

PARKER:
I am a Christian.

KEN:
Well praise Jesus, Parker.

PARKER:
What in Jesus name is Brother Pat doing endorsing a Roman Catholic? I am not going to work for a broadcasting company that endorses Papists. I am not staying here.

KEN:
Parker, Parker, Parker, you're blowing this all out of proportion. Rudy is a Catholic, but he totally ignores the Catholic Church in all its social teachings.

PARKER:
That is not a good thing. I turn my back once and Rudy is going to be stealing all my stem cells.

KEN:
He's basically on our side.

PARKER:
On our side? What about gayness? What about the sanctity of marriage? What about the right to life?

KEN:
Well nobody's perfect.

PARKER:
I am resigning my position.

KEN:
Parker, it's taken us 20 years to capture the Republican Party. The preeminent party. The winning party. If we stay out of the election entirely, then we become irrelevant.

PARKER:
What about Governor Huckabee?

KEN:
Be serious. He can't win. And we can't support someone who can't win, because then we become marginalized just like he is. Where do you think your $75 a month stipend comes from? It's from the foundations and the think tanks and the wealthy donors who support us because we are the mainstream. We are winners and we have to stay winners or nobody tunes in to us, nobody hires us as their political consultants, and the Sunday talk shows stop calling us. That is hell, Parker.

PARKER:
That is not hell. Shame on you, Ken.

KEN:
I said it and I'm glad I said it. I am not going to marginal political hell.

PARKER:
Well I am not working for a network that has lost its way. I have my principles.

KEN:
If Rudy doesn't win, who else is there? If you don't elect Rudy, we will have the presidency of the United States controlled by….

PARKER:
No. Don't say it. Don't even think it. Don't say it.

KEN:
It's true. The only alternative is that Mitt Romney fellow. The entire presidency of the United States will be controlled by the Church of Latter Day Saints.

PARKER:
Oh Jesus all that's holy….

KEN:
Is that what you want? Is that what you want Parker?

PARKER:
Go Rudy go! Go Rudy go! Go Rudy go!

KEN:
Go Rudy go, that's the ticket.  Now how about that dinner?

PARKER:
Take a hike, Ken. Praise the Lord.