Non-Current Events Jokes

You like this dress? I found it in a magazine. Yuh, somebody had wrapped it up in an old Newsweek and threw it in the garbage.

Today I drove into a feminist gas station. The attendant walked up to my car and said, "Fill him up?" I said, "Yuh, and look under his hood, will ya'? I can never get him to turn over in the morning, I don't know what the problem is."

I was going over all my papers at home. And you know what? I sure could use a paperclip.

I had an appointment to get my watch fixed. But I missed it.

I saw Superman at the supermarket on Friday. I see him there every Friday. I think he's superstitious.

I had this 6-month old dog, and I wanted to get some dog pictures. But the dog insists on shooting landscapes. He refuses to photograph me.

I got a new health insurance plan. $2,000 deductible. Which means if you have one heart attack, the second one is free.

I used to run three miles every day to work. Then I got my toilet fixed.

I had a friend who's become this world expert on sports medicine. Any time you have a really bad headache, he takes a soccer ball and rubs it all over the back of your neck.

I actually went to a singles bar once. Couldn't buy a drink. They only accept one-dollar bills.

When you go out for brunch now, you can't just eat eggs. You have to have a drink with it. I said, "Two eggs please." And waitress said "Bloody Mary?" I said "How do you do. I'm Sweaty Betty."

I can always spot a woman basketball player walking to work. You know how? They're always wearing high heels. As soon as they get to work, they switch to sneakers.

We had a party at the office and said goodbye to this guy who had been with the company for 35 years. He wasn't leaving. We were just sick of him and we wanted to say goodbye.

My parents used to always say that our Aunt Ann treated her husband "like dirt." She treats him just like dirt. So I go over to their house one day and she's sticking tomato seeds into my uncle and pouring water on him. It was terrible.

My father was filling out an insurance form, and inn the box where they ask your occupation, he put in "Deceased." I said to him What did you do that for? And he said "This way, that form will never be out of date."