DWI TV

ANCHOR:
Good Evening. And welcome to DWI TV. All DWI, all day. If it's drunk and it's not wearing underwear, we'll bring it to you. I'm Patty Pill. And today is Day 97 in the DWI crisis for disgraced super-model Belle Cappuccino. It was only 96 days ago that Cappuccino was found dead drunk on her motorcycle, having crashed into the gates of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints in Salt Lake City.

Only 23 days since it was revealed that she had been directed to the Mormon capital only after she screamed the drunken order "More Men! More Men!" over and over again to her beleaguered staff. "We thought she was going through some kind of religious thing," her personal assistant said. That failure to communicate has cost Cappuccino 90 days in the slammer, as well as the bitter loss of a six-page feature spread in Motor Oil Monthly.

But today, Day 97, we have a new development. All eyes are on the Utah Department of Corrections where Cappuccino's request that water be served to her with ice and a slice of lime is still waiting to be adjudicated. We watch. We wait. We watch. We wait.

PRODUCER:
This blows, this totally blows. I can't believe we're putting this on the air.

JILL:
I know. What idiot is doing Patty's makeup.

PRODUCER:
We're going nowhere with Cappuccino. She's a has-been. Nobody cares. She's too old.

JOE:
She's 21.

JILL:
She's 21 and a half now. Did you see those lines under her eyes?

JOE:
I airbrushed those in. You said we wanted her to look depressed.

JILL:
I said make her look sad. I didn't say make her look like she's 27 or something. Christ.

PRODUCER:
Forget it. We're drowning. We have a one rating and a two share. We're death in the microwave. Nobody is drinking and driving anymore.

JILL:
We're too married to this concept. We have to expand. Why can't we show celebrities spanking their adopted children?

PRODUCER:
No, no, no. It just wouldn't be right. Besides, do you know how much the network spent on those DWI graphics? We have to make this work. We need a hot young star who is incredibly stupid and has no moral compass whatsoever.

JOE:
You don't mean.....

PRODUCER:
Yes. We have to get Litany Brown.

JOE:
Litany Brown?

JILL:
Yes. Litany Brown. She just turned 18.

PRODUCER:
Exactly. She's practically 18 and a quarter.

JOE:
Why is that good?

JILL:
It means we can get her drunk and into an auto accident and then walk away with no jail time.

PRODUCER:
Yes! (They high-five.)

PRODUCER:
But we are not getting her drunk. We are allowing her to get drunk if it happens to work out that way.

JOE:
We're going to get Litany Brown drunk?

PRODUCER:
Yes. We have no choice. Getting her kidnapped would be too expensive.

JOE:
What if she doesn't drink?

JILL:
Oh please. She graduated high school.

PRODUCER:
I've done the research. Look at this profile in American Girl. It says her favorite drink is Slimfast and Kaluha. We can't miss!

JOE:
We could take her to the Dirty Shamrock.

JILL:
They don't have chairs.

JOE:
Yuh, she'll get drunk faster.

PRODUCER:
Joe, we're not going to take her to the Dirty Shamrock.

JILL:
It's cruddy.

PRODUCER:
And they won't take my company credit card. We'll take her to the Brussels Gardens.

JOE:
Why would she go out with us?

PRODUCER:
Because I'm going to tell her agent that Alex Rodriguez wants to take her to dinner.

JOE:
He does?

JILL:
No, you idiot. We're making it up. You're taking her out.

JOE:
But my name is Joe Rodriguez.

JILL:
She doesn't have to know that.

PRODUCER:
You're Alex's brother.

JILL:
Exactly. You're Alex's brother. Alex is running late, he sent you to buy the first round of drinks. You're cute, you're young, you're a near-celebrity.

JOE:
She's not going to sleep with me just because I'm Alex Rodriguez's brother.

JILL:
You're not Alex Rodriguez's brother.

JOE:
Well she doesn't have to know that.

PRODUCER:
Exactly. You're young, you're cute, she's an idiot, she has five drinks and refuses to eat anything. We bring her out to the limo, but the limo driver can't drive.

JOE:
Why not?

PRODUCER:
Because we caught him spanking his adopted child and we fired him immediately.

JILL:
So Litany has to drive.

JOE:
Okay, but even if we ask her to drive and she goes along with it, how do we know that....

JILL:
You make such a big deal about everything. You sit close to her while she's driving, you tell her you think she's drunk, you grab the wheel and crash the limo into a police car. Our mobile van is across the street and we film the whole thing.

JOE:
So...I don't get to take her home?

JILL:
No.

PRODUCER:
Absolutely not.

JOE:
Can I get her cell phone number?

PRODUCER:
If I can get it, I'll give it to you. But this is for DWI TV, Joe. This is for freedom of the press. This is for your country. So what do you say?

JOE:
I say...LET'S ROLL!