Clean as a Melon
This proposal to Clean as a Melon LLC for a marketing plan that is so fabulous you wouldn’t believe it is the work of the Global Positioning Team at Skiff, Quentin & LaFleur (SQL). As such, it is the sole property of SQL, and if Clean as a Melon for some twisted reason decides not to contract with SQL, but uses any of the fabulous ideas in this proposal, such use will be considered a gross act of theft, filth, and consultant abuse, and will be litigated to the hilt.
The Concept
Barely a year ago, the principle owners of Clean as a Melon rightly observed that citrus-smelling dishwashing liquids are in the twilight of their mediocre career. As a society, we have stopped caring whether all our surfaces are lemon-fresh. How many tired homemakers do we know who nightly sniff around their kitchens, desperate for some fragrance that will tell them their lives hold meaning? Obviously, this is a product that hates women.
Focus groups agree that the recent switchover from lemon cleaning products to orange cleaners is patently derivative. Where is the originality in changing from one citrus product to another? A self-respecting marketer would be ashamed to profit from it. But now, Clean as a Melon has a new idea that defines the word fabulous: a dishwashing liquid that smells like a cantalope.
While the company has lost $42 million as a result of pursuing this idea, that doesn’t mean the core strategy has no merit. Only that its execution may have been less than satisfactory.
The idea is there, the concept is there, and frankly, we’re breathless in our excitement.
What’s Passed Is Past
It is not our purpose here to bemoan or denigrate the decisions made by the previous marketing team. Perhaps there was a good argument, at one time, in favor of contracting with quarterback Jimmy (The Snake) LaDeeka to be the sole television spokesperson for all Clean as a Melon products. At the time, there were studies showing that potential purchasers found The Snake to be somewhat fabulous looking, especially when wearing part of his uniform.
Unfortunately, more recent data indicate that The Snake has a candy arm, can’t read a defense without moving his lips, and runs like a soft-boiled egg. We also observe that the type of language The Snake uses on the sidelines and the places where he chooses to put his hands between plays do not suggest that he puts a priority on having dishes that are clean as a melon.
Furthermore, the front page story last fall revealing that The Snake had wives in three different states and enjoyed giving driving lessons to teenage girls has resulted in the need to pull Clean as a Melon off the shelves in 12 different media markets. But, what’s passed is past.
A Framework for a Marketing Plan
As we noted in our entry conference, our fee of $1.5 million does not include actually marketing the product. As we all know, the SQL Global Positioning Team is a seething muscle of raw power. For us to supervise your marketing staff would be such an act of intellectual gang-banging that we just couldn’t be held responsible for what might happen. Rather we see our role as providing creative input, an inventory of resources, and most importantly, entertaining meetings. Other consultants bring tiresome worries, restrictions, and constraints. We bring imported beer. Which is more global?
We hope you’re looking forward to a fabulous, death-defying, really fabulous week of work together, which will begin as soon as your check for the first $750,000 clears our bank. We can hardly contain ourselves.