Confidental Performance Review

Name of Associate Being Evaluated: Amy X

(Actual name of the associate is available in password-protected archive not accessible to V level associates or anyone else who isn’t like really mature. If you absolutely have to know, see Kenny.)

Job Title: Senior Associate Administrative Assistant

Job Description:

This is sort of hard to say. Amy was hired to handle Sam’s correspondence, and also to maintain the database for Sonia’s project because she was like really freaking out at the time. But after Sonia checked into the hospital, Amy figured like what was the point, which you can understand. So she’s doing more stuff with Sam, answering the phone, and is available for special assignments (which haven’t exactly come up yet, but they could at any time).

Attendance, Punctuality, Hygiene, and Appearance:

According to office records, Amy has been absent 29% of the time. But that’s really not as sub-optimal as it sounds. Amy makes a point of being punctual, and she often succeeds. Almost every day, she does return from lunch.

Amy’s personal hygiene is excellent. In fact we find it is so good that it more than makes up for most of her shortcomings.

Amy takes her appearance very seriously, as evidenced by the fact that she often reads fashion magazines while at her desk.

Interpersonal Skills:

This is an area where Amy truly excels. Amy has an excellent relationship with everyone on staff, with quite a few people who used to be on the staff, and with several people who are thinking about joining the staff, but haven’t gotten around to applying. She maintains these relationships through frequent intra-office meetings, phone calls, emails, faxes, and the quarterly staff retreats to Sleepy Bear Country Inn and Resort, which Amy herself organizes.

This past year, she also organized office parties for Bastille Day, Festival of Three Kings, Veterans Day, and Asthma Awareness Day. Amy took responsibility for 17 birthday celebrations last week alone. And it should be noted that Amy organized each of these events without the request or even the knowledge of any of her supervisors.

Unfortunately, these skills have not yet translated well to building relationships with our customers. Several of our accounts reported that Amy makes frequent use of the phrases “Like how am I supposed to know,” “Just a sec,” “Like so what?” and on one occasion, “I don’t think so, game boy.” While this has resulted in the loss of five major accounts and approximately 20 % of the firm’s income, it would be wrong to attribute this loss entirely to Amy’s customer relations skills. Because let’s face it. There are some cranky people out there. You can’t lose sight of the bigger picture.

Attention to Detail, Follow-Through on Tasks, and Quality of Work:

To be honest, these are the only three areas where Amy’s performance needs to be improved. The following examples of quality shortfalls are illustrative, but should not be over-emphasized:

Amy shredded all records pertaining to last year’s business. While we had asked her not to do this, it’s entirely possible that our directives were unclear. Shred them, don’t shred them -- in a noisy office, it all sounds the same.

Instead of delivering our completed proposal to Continental Bankshares by their 5 o’clock deadline, Amy delivered a pizza. While we did not get the contract in this case, it should be noted that Continental Bankshares did apparently get the pizza by 5 o’clock and had no complaints about its quality.

In producing the information packets for the board meeting, Amy used the new laminating machine to seal the folders shut in such a way as to prevent all board members from being able to open their folders or read any of the materials inside. While some board members felt that this defeated the purpose of having an information packet, we should point out that Amy took the initiative to produce the packets in a way which made aggressive use of a bold new technology. And who can complain about that?

Overall Performance and Future Prospects:

With this kind of performance, Amy’s future at the firm is fabulous indeed. A merit pay raise is richly deserved, and as Amy has often said, “Hey, like I already spent it.”