Go Figure

CHARACTERS
GWEN, about 40, an accountant
DAVIDA, about 50, one of Gwen’s clients
MAURA, Gwen’s partner
DONALD, Gwen’s ex-boyfriend
PHILIP, head of the Spinsky Institute
OONA, Philip’s assistant
MICKEY, a failed jewelry designer
CARLENE, 23, a voice-over person
BERNIE, a lawyer
CHINA, a TV personality

ACT I SCENE 1
(GWEN, about 40, is in a hammock, struggling with her papers and calculator. DAVIDA, about 50, parades in wearing a dress with a long trail. The trail is made up of cardboard accordion files strung together, stuffed with papers.)
DAVIDA
Oh Gwendolyn, this is so very sad. I can’t tell you how sad this is.

GWEN
Your accounts receivable?

DAVIDA
The situation. The entire situation. Please don’t leave your pencil on the floor like that. I don’t like pencils on my floor.

GWEN
Oh yuh, Christ, we can’t have that.

(GWEN reaches down to retrieve her pencil and falls out of the hammock.)

DAVIDA
I am the one nailed to the cross, Gwendolyn. I am bleeding.

GWEN
I know, I’m just sick about it. May I look for some of these contracts?

DAVIDA
Yes, yes, look for whatever you please.

(GWEN starts to look through the files at the end of DAVIDA’s dress, but then DAVIDA begins to pace and GWEN can’t keep up.)

DAVIDA
This entire program has lost all cross-functionality. I am besieged, I am harassed, and yet I am naked and toothless in this jungle of ignorance.

GWEN
You know what goes good in a jungle? A file cabinet. You buy a file cabinet and boom, no more jungle.

DAVIDA
You have all the charm of my ex-husband, did you know that? What do you want? You want blood?

GWEN
How about a chair, Davida. A chair. Can I please bring in my folding chair from the car?

DAVIDA
No, you may not. Do you think I designed this room for sitting?

GWEN
If you had, I would never forgive you. But you promised me you would keep each grant letter in its own file. Didn’t you promise me that?

DAVIDA
It would be one thing if the board were willing to provide the proper support. But no, they’d rather sit there and pontificate.

GWEN
Yes, Davida, I know, I know. You are too beautiful and sensitive for this world. But for your grants receivable, we need to have substantiation. A letter that promises you the money. Do you have that?

DAVIDA
They think that a lecture series on aesthetic minimalism just happens. And all they need to do is show up and make witty jokes about metaphysics and compliment each other’s facial hair. Well I’m sick of it, you hear me? I’m sick of it.

GWEN
This $30,000 pledge from the Geneva Foundation? There’s no letter for this.

DAVIDA
It’s in the file.

GWEN
I couldn’t find it in the file.

DAVIDA
Well then you didn’t look. Here, it’s right in front of you.

(DAVIDA walks her accordion file trail by GWEN again.)

GWEN
Davida, it’s not in there.

DAVIDA
Fine. I’ll look for it myself. Sit down. You want to sit so badly. Sit.

GWEN
As if that was anything but a dream.

(DAVIDA begins to chase around her tail as GWEN tries to get back into the hammock and falls out again.)

GWEN
It’s not there.

DAVIDA
Well it should be. You must’ve moved it. Was Joan of Arc good at filing? No, she was not. She deliberately avoided filing all her life.

GWEN
Yuh, you look just like her, except for the hair.

DAVIDA
I am an artist.

GWEN
And is that my fault?

DAVIDA
I told you it was pledged. Isn’t my word enough.

GWEN
Gee, I’ll have to think about that. No. Your word is not enough. They didn’t return our confirmation letter. You have to call them and ask for it.

DAVIDA
I can’t call them.

GWEN
Why not?

DAVIDA
Because they told me not to call them. This time of year. They specifically told me not to call them during the fall or the winter. This entire fall-winter-spring period of the year is very busy for them. Could you please not focus your eyes on me like that. As if you expected me to procreate with you or something. I will not consider that for reasons I can’t talk about.

GWEN
Fine. I’ll call them.

DAVIDA
No! They won’t talk to you. There’s no point. And they’ll be insulted. They dislike this entire money business. They find it intensely dislikable.

GWEN
They’re a foundation.

DAVIDA
Yes. Which means they have taken a sworn oath to destroy any shred of artistic accomplishment. They seduce us into spending every waking moment on their bilious application process. And will they actually give a serious grant to an artist? No. They save the real grants for these do-gooder service groups with their tasteless soup kitchens and drooling child care centers. What is the point to giving money to feed children? It’s been done. Many times. All those millions of foundation dollars going to the Spinsky Institute. For what? Clean water in Kazakstan? Who needs it.

GWEN
At least they’re trying to help someone.

DAVIDA
People don’t need to be helped. People need to be insulted and embarrassed and offended. If you were an artist, you would understand this.

GWEN
Alright, I admit it. I would rather see the Spinsky Institute spend money on food for children than on your expressionist finger-painting.

DAVIDA
Are you and Maura their new auditors? I read they were having certain difficulties. You’re going in to rescue them?

GWEN
We haven’t been hired yet, and I can’t talk about it anyway.

DAVIDA
Just because they give you a chair doesn’t make them better you know. I didn’t sacrifice my life to open a furniture store.

GWEN
And aren’t we all lucky for that. I’ll have to do a correcting entry.

DAVIDA
What does that mean.

GWEN
You know what it means. I have to take $30,000 off your income for the year.

DAVIDA
Thief. Thief! I promised the board we wouldn’t have another deficit this year. You can’t just take $30,000 away from us.

GWEN
I have to.

DAVIDA
Why? Why do you have to?

GWEN
This is my anniversary, Davida. Did you know that?

DAVIDA
Yes, mine too. But he’s dead. And good riddance.

GWEN
I got my certification 15 years ago today.

DAVIDA
What do you want, a cake? I am not a cake person.

GWEN
And now I’m here with you. Without a chair. I was supposed to be breaking new ground. Turning on lights. Kicking in doors. Helping good people to understand what the numbers mean. I didn’t go through school so I could make things up. I’m supposed to figure out what the truth is.

DAVIDA
You couldn’t possibly understand truth. Only an artist can possess the truth.

GWEN
I have the truth. You have a dress. I am supposed to be respected.

DAVIDA
We have to include the Geneva grant.

GWEN
I’m so glad I shared that personal moment with you. I just want to hold you until one of us has to go to the bathroom. Did they tell you they’re giving it to you?

DAVIDA
We discussed it half a dozen times.

GWEN
Oh good, so it’s not a cheap, filthy lie after all. What does discussing it mean? Did they promise you or didn’t they?

DAVIDA
I will not be cross-examined by you, Gwendolyn. And I will not be corrected. There will be no correcting entries.

GWEN
You’re lying to me, aren’t you.

DAVIDA
Oh you’re nothing special. I lie to hundreds of people.

GWEN
You don’t value me in the least.

DAVIDA
All you do is play with numbers.

GWEN
Without my numbers, who would know what an asshole you are? No one. And this was the last time. Get someone else.

(GWEN begins to pack up her things.)

DAVIDA
What?

GWEN
Just get someone else.

DAVIDA
You’re leaving me? Just because you can make more money from the Spinsky Institute? You draw me in and then you abandon me?

GWEN
Yes, Davida. Look at me. I am your first husband. The death was faked. The divorce never took. Submit to me!

DAVIDA
No. Stand back. What are you talking about?

GWEN
I burn for you. I’m on fire. I’m burning.

DAVIDA
Burning? What burning? I’ve seen that kind of pencil before. The eraser is an acetylene torch, isn’t it. You’re going to burn up my papers.

(She pulls her accordion files into her body.)

GWEN
Yes, and then I’m going to bill you for it. Every lie you tell is billable.

DAVIDA
No. NO! Fire. FIRE!

(DAVIDA runs off. GWEN walks down into the audience, pulls out a folding chair, drags it back onstage and finally sits down as MAURA enters, carrying her own chair.)



ACT I SCENE 2

(We are now in a restaurant. The meal is over, and MAURA is saying goodbye to someone offstage as GWEN pulls a table onstage.)

MAURA
Goodbye, sweetheart. Love your life. Love it every day. Gwen will call you. Ciao!

(MAURA returns to the table with GWEN.)

MAURA
Did you see what she ate? Did you see what that pig ate?

GWEN
Yuh, make sure they can hear you in Denver. Why did we have to meet with that woman?

MAURA
A turkey leg? A piggy turkey leg? Who eats a turkey drumstick during a job interview?

GWEN
You lied to me about this meeting. You lied to her for an hour and a half. We don’t have a job opening. Why are we even talking to her?

MAURA
Did you see that lipstick?

GWEN
I wasn’t looking at her mouth.

MAURA
No, it was on the turkey leg. That lipstick was all over the turkey leg.

GWEN
She doesn’t know anything about accounting. What are we talking to her for?

MAURA
She just wants some administrative job. A desk and a phone. Just to be out in the world. You can find something for her to do.

GWEN
Maura, we have a three-person office. What am I supposed to do with her?

MAURA
Just tell her not to dress like that.

GWEN
Why do I have to hire her?

MAURA
Because I owe her a favor.

GWEN
Why do you owe her a favor.

MAURA
I’m dating her husband.

GWEN
Maura…..

MAURA
Oh please. I’m only doing it for her. She’s off the hook. She’s better off without him. Life can’t be all work, work, work, Gwen.

GWEN
What are we supposed to pay her with?

MAURA
I will explain everything later in the meal.

GWEN
I can’t believe I quit Davida.

MAURA
I can’t believe it either. She’s a psycho with good taste. What took you so long?

GWEN
It was eight thousand dollars a year. We can’t afford to just throw that away.

MAURA
It wasn’t worth half the aggravation she gave you. You need to quit them all. Quit every stupid little non-entity client you’ve been wasting your time with.

GWEN
I have some very good clients.

MAURA
The Vinylmatics? The Vinylmatics are idiots.

GWEN
Well yuh. But they have a totally unique process for turning cardboard into vinyl.

MAURA
I’m in awe.

GWEN
They’re almost ready to go public.

MAURA
Get rid of them. And the Brownies too.

GWEN
I can’t get rid of the Brownies. The Brownies are going to be huge. They’re getting ready to split off from the Girl Scouts. We’ll be de-consolidating all their financial statements.

MAURA
Gwen, how long have they been telling you this? Brownies lie. They lie all the time. Anybody who knows the Brownies will tell you that.

GWEN
I can’t quit them all. We have to pay the rent.

MAURA
I told you. We’re going to get the Spinsky Institute audit.

GWEN
That’s what you told me a month ago and there’s still no contract.

MAURA
It’ll be six figures. You’ll have money coming out of your nose.

GWEN
I don’t like it. It’s putting all our eggs in one basket.

MAURA
What eggs? You have no eggs. The Vinylmatics are not eggs. You don’t understand this business.

GWEN
I understand how to produce something for the client. You, on the other hand, want to go shopping with them, take them to dinner, deflower their sons, and then take their money.

MAURA
Well, dinner is often unnecessary, but yes, normally that would be my ideal scope of services. I know how to bring in the business, you do the accounting. I thought you were comfortable with that.

GWEN
Fine. So you lied to me four weeks ago. Are you now telling me we have this contract or we don’t?

MAURA
Of course we have it.

GWEN
Then show it to me.

MAURA
I need to talk to you about it first. This is a very delicate situation. We can’t just barge our way in there. That’s how Gray & Stone got in trouble. Pushy, pushy, pushy. They barge in there, demanding to see all their books, all their records.

GWEN
They’re accountants. How do we know Gray & Stone didn’t find some kind of fraud?

MAURA
Fraud? They didn’t find fraud. They didn’t find anything. Teddy Gray couldn’t find his mother with a flashlight.

GWEN
Then why would they walk away from a big contract in the middle like that?

MAURA
Because they have no ass. Sixty-four employees and between them they don’t have a single ass. There’s no weight driving anything forward. No weight to hold things down. That’s why they’re hiring us. We’re different, Gwen. We have ass.

GWEN
You know, it isn’t just that everything you say has no meaning. It’s that what you say is a brush that scrubs away any meaning that was there beforehand.

MAURA
I have lifeskills. Why be ashamed of it?

GWEN
I don’t like you kissing up to all these people. If they’re doing something wrong, we’re going to be blamed for it. What if I find fraud?

MAURA
Will you stop with this fraud thing? Philip Hudson has family money. He’s never worked a day in his life. He doesn’t need to steal anything.

GWEN
Do we have the contract?

MAURA
We’re getting it, Gwen. It’s just paperwork. Why do you think I went to Tippy’s stupid charity thing? To meet Oona Gladstone.

GWEN
And who is she? I thought you already knew everybody.

MAURA
I do know everybody. They just don’t know it yet. Oona Gladstone is Philip Hudson’s assistant at the Institute. She’s supposed to be his right brain or something.

GWEN
And so you met her?

MAURA
I’m getting to that. Let me tell the story. You know how good I am at this.

GWEN
Fine. I have ass, I can do anything.

(As MAURA talks, GWEN does the tablecloth trick, removing the cloth from the table without moving the dishes. She wraps herself up in the tablecloth to hide.)

MAURA
Well. Philip Hudson hates the other charities, so he sends Oona to all these events so she can make nice with all the new money. Oona has this deep, dark past that I’m not supposed to tell you about, but I will if you insist.

GWEN
Yes, but you talked to Luna and you confirmed the contract?

MAURA
Oona. Her name is Oona.

GWEN
I’m so happy for her. What did she say about the contract?

MAURA
Well at first I didn’t even know if she was there.

GWEN
She wasn’t even there?

MAURA
I didn’t say that. You’re jumping ahead. Oh, they have raspberry truffles. Why do you always jump ahead?

GWEN
Why do you always make me feel like I’m running a day care center?

MAURA
Be still and enjoy my story. People would kill to have my company like this.

(Now on the floor, GWEN groans, whines, and twists inside the tablecloth.)

MAURA
They’re handing out awards, God knows what for, we’re sitting down to dessert, and guess who sits next to me?

GWEN
Oona!

MAURA
No, no, no. At this point, we don’t even know if she was there.

GWEN
Was she there or wasn’t she?

MAURA
It’s called suspense. Guess who offered me her strawberries and cream?

GWEN
Guess who was working while you were eating dessert?

MAURA
It was Vienna.

GWEN
Vienna who?

MAURA
Vienna. Her name is Vienna. The super model.

GWEN
And she brought you her strawberries because…..?

MAURA
Because I was wearing a Caruso.

GWEN
Which is…..?

MAURA
A Caruso. Are you totally illiterate? I was wearing the same Caruso party dress that Vienna wore on the cover of Frappé.

GWEN
I don’t care! I drop dead don’t care! You lied to me before and you’re lying to me now. I can’t do this anymore, woman. Let me go. Oh God I need my computer.

MAURA
Oh alright, get up. Vienna was in Oona’s MBA program at Wharton. She introduces me to Oona. Who tells me that Philip Hudson totally loves me. Big surprise. He refuses to be audited by anyone but us, we have the contract.

GWEN
We have the contract?

MAURA
Yes, Gwen, we have the contract. $300,000. Can you count that high?

GWEN
I invented counting. It’s $300,000?

MAURA
Yes. That’s what I said. Now will you please quit the Vinylmatics and all your nickel and dime clients so you can work on Spinsky full-time?

GWEN
What if Spinsky doesn’t work out?

MAURA
I can’t do this without you. It involves accounting.

GWEN
I don’t know, Maura. It’s betting everything on one horse. Once we get into this, we can’t get out.

MAURA
It’s called business. I need to know. Are you going to be royally stupid about this or not?

GWEN
I’ll just keep the Brownies.

MAURA
No, Gwen, you will throw the Brownies from the train and cover them with dirt.

GWEN
Alright, I’ll quit everything else. Where’s the contract?

MAURA
She’s sending the papers to our office this afternoon by messenger. Stop worrying.

GWEN
This afternoon?

MAURA
Yes. Probably right now. Enjoy the moment. Do you have any idea how fabulous life is?

GWEN
God damn it, Maura, you waited until now to tell me that? There’s no one in our office now. Your stupid receptionist quit. I have to get over there.

(GWEN runs out.)

MAURA
Gwen! Oh sure, make me pay for this after you’ve cut up all my credit cards. Why is responsibility such a difficult concept for some people? Gwen!