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News You Can't Use by Jerry Polner
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BUSINESS

But If You Just Tried a Foreclosure, You Might Really Like It
We Can't Create Any More Jobs Because If We Did, Someone Might Get Sunburn
The Sun Will Come Out on Tax Day
Kiss Me, Stock Boy, Kiss Me
Like Money in the Bank
I Have Troubled Assets -- And you can have them too!
Fake the Money and Run
Get Mortgage Relief Now - It's in 3-D
Short Circuit City -- How to give greed a bad name
Your Tax Guy-- Friend or Foe?
God Bless The Striking Goodyear Workers -- Every One
When Our Ship Comes In -- The Port Will Be Closed
Who Wants Affordable Prescription Drugs -- Well you can't have them
Sean's Budget -- The Reconciliation Starts Now
Stop the Snow Man -- What the National Enquirer doesn't want you to know about the Treasury Secretary
Enron at Home -- What are Andrew and Lee really like?
I Just Work Here -- How Wal-Mart keeps it clean
Harry &Louise Part 2 -- Why Louise should've stuck with Thelma
The Meat of the Issue -- The cow is mad, and you'd be too.
Compassionate Privatization -- Remember Ari Fleisher? You'll wish you didn't.


CONGRESS

Advice and Consent -- Senate Sets New Speed Record
Don't Bayh It -- Senator Bayh's Newest Campaign Video
Too Big To Nail -- How to regulate the finance industry
He Knows When You Are Sleeping - He knows
when you're a fake

Total Recall -- Or Partial Recall, If That's All We Can Afford
A Hole In More Than One -- I Didn't Know Jack
We Have Good Chemistry -- Let's Not Die
Bribe Congress Now! -- It's A Gift
Shoveling Snowe -- Leaking Is An Art
Thieves In The House -- And You Can Be One Too
Trust Is Blind -- The Doctor Is Still In
Republicans and Beer -- The Story of Your Retirement
I've Got Your Number -- Social Security Makes Me So Hot
Good Morning, Dr. Frist -- And how is the Majority feeling today?


EDUCATION

School's Out -- Ignorance Rocks
Toddler With An Edge
Honey I Raised the Kids Properly
Taken to School -- Sure they're criminals. But nobody's perfect.


ELECTIONS

I Can Be Just As Mean As They Can
Not Counting Minnesota
McCain Is A Shoe-In
A Heartbeat Away
Mightier than the Penn - Roll On Colombia
Viva Cerveza -- It's all P.R. now
Why There Are Hotels in Washington
Death by Consumption (Tax) - Bring Back the IRS
Road to the White House - The Resolution Will Not Be Televised
Iowa Nights - Is it the moon?
Vote for the Papist - It's Important
Ready, Freddy -- Get Not Smart
Sound Bite This -- We Know More Than You Do
The Crown and the Glory -- Minus the Glory
No Test Left Behind -- Who Needs Fourth Grade?
Losing Blows -- When it's hard, it's hard.
The Sunshine State -- Florida Fixes Its Electoral Process Once and For All
The Passion of the Bush -- The Making of the Ad
Dear Citizen -- The secret to campaign finance reform


ENERGY - ENVIRONMENT

A True Inconvenience -- The Veep Goes On
I Love You, Let's Buy a Hybrid -- Okay, but let's buy one anyway.
Now That's An Energy Policy -- What's better than $100?


FOREIGN AFFAIRS

The Absolutely Last Blagojevich Sketch
Synchronized Bullying - Let The Games Not Begin
If You Want Peace -- Work for Justice
Romance Is Hell -- War Is Worse
Michael Hayden Calling -- It's For You
No More Nukes -- Unless They're Ours
The Hills Have Eyes -- But the NSA Has Lips
Search and Seizure -- Stop whining and enjoy it
Call it Re-Deployment-- An Act of Congress
CPA: Baghdad-- Show Me the Lack of Money
U.N. Me -- Together Forever
The Return of the Nuclear Option -- Hell No, We Won't Glow
From Uzbekistan With Love -- Meet Our New Friends
Ninety-Nine Pages To Hell -- Welcome to Bible Camp
Nukes on Ice -- Let's Proliferate!
The Nuclear Option -- This Week In Baseball
Women Are From Venus, Men Are From Serena -- And We Ain't Going Back!
Lunch with the Gosser -- Intelligence Strikes Back
You're Never Too Young for Paranoia -- Is Your School Safe?
Leave No Child Without Photo ID -- Homeland Security Rocks!
True Crime -- The Patriot Act comes to prime time television


HEALTH CARE

The Party's Over -- Giving Ignorance a Bad Name
The Republican Public Option -- Of course they have one


IMMIGRATION

Give Me Your Tired, Your Poor -- And I'll give you Lou Dobbs


ISABELLE, THE ADVENTURES OF

I Am So Mad at Obama I Can't Stand It
Isabelle Goes Derivative
The State of Isabelle -- Your state government in action
Isabelle on the Line - Don't Miss Your Calling
She's Not Stupid -- She's Not the President Either
Isabelle in Romania -- Wow, is that a black site?
Isabelle Off the Books Part 2 -- Oppression Sells!
Isabelle Off the Books -- Read at Your Own Risk
It's Called Equity, Isabelle -- And It's Awesome
No Justice, No Work -- Isabelle Goes to Washington


KAPLOWITZ, THE ADVENTURES OF

Three Chairs for Dave - Better make it two
Shut Up, I'm Dave -- How We Organize
There's No Such Thing as a Free Kaplowitz -- Join Anyway
This Is An Outrage -- Kaplowitz Offends Congress
Kaplowitz Gets Funded -- Money from the Devil
Kaplowitz on Leadership -- Who Cares About Apathy?
Kapolowitz and the Brownies -- I Don't Think I Know You


MEDIA

On Wisconsin
God Bless Massachusetts -- A Fox News Special Report
You Are The Wind Beneath My Ratings
DWI TV - You're in the drink, we're in the pink
Red (State) Beans & Rice -- The New Color of Public Broadcasting
Let's Make (Up) The News -- The Media Is You
Rove Speaks -- Liberal Media Chokes Again


MERLENE, THE ADVENTURES OF

Vote Early, Vote Naked
Merlene and the Brownies
Sub-Prime Merlene - Predators Welcome
Standing Up Merlene -- And Dave Too
Merlene Does Security -- When You Really Need a Job
Merlene At The Pump -- This Time It's Personal
Merlene at the Border -- Let's all go native!
Merlene Finds Wal-Mart -- How To Stop Frivolous Law Suits
What Color Is Merlene's Parachute -- Take Drugs and Find Out


SUPREME COURT

Justice Never Sleeps
No Justice, No Justice -- Harriet Gets First Aide
Who's the Activist Now? -- Justice Sunday and Every Other Day
Judge Not -- Pick Me Pick Me Pick Me
Supreme Court Goes Native -- Honest People Don't Need Habeus Corpus


TRADE

Non-Tech Support -- Being Alive Is a Job
Neo-Con, Neo-Con -- All the world loves a con
Globalization Strikes Again -- You're Still Fired
Whistle While You Shirk -- Let's Make CAFTA Work
Operation Enduring Loan Shark -- Give Crony Capitalism a Chance


WHITE HOUSE

Screw Congress, Create More Jobs
As The World Interns
What You See Is What You Regret - FEMA Now and Forever
No Forwarding Address -- But he left us a smile
No Justice, No Justice -- No beer either
Get Me the U.S. Attorney -- OK, Get Me Any Attorney
God's Gift To Science -- But The Store Won't Take It Back
Do You Know What It Means -- To Miss New Orleans
How I Put Out the Burning Bush-- Christmas at the White House