Isabelle Off the Books, Part 2

ISABELLE:
I'm telling you they're going to use the Patriot Act to arrest you and me and everybody else in the bookstore. Look at this letter, Skippy. Why aren't you outraged?

SKIPPY:
All the letter says is that your friend has reported you and she expects you to give her agency the information they asked for in compliance with the law.

ISABELLE:
She's not my friend. She's just another piece of Georgetown scum.

SKIPPY:
Isabelle, we're a bookstore. We thrive on Georgetown scum. Our only problem is we can't get enough of it. Another sales month like this one and we'll both be taking the civil service exam.

ISABELLE:
I don't care. I am not going to turn in some Arab guy just because he bought a few Muslim books from us.

SKIPPY:
No, no, no, we're not going to turn anyone in. All I'm saying is call your friend and tell her that the Arab guy is coming into the store on Tuesday.

ISABELLE:
You want me to lie to her?

SKIPPY:
She's a piece of Georgetown scum. I saw her when she was here. From the back, she's not even that attractive.

ISABELLE:
She works with armed federal agents, Skippy.

SKIPPY:
What does that mean?

ISABELLE:
It means they're armed. And they're...they're agents. That's why they're called armed agents. They're trained to kill.

SKIPPY:
Hey, I'm an independent bookstore owner. I can handle myself.

ISABELLE:
Then why am I the one who has to kill all the cockroaches in here?

SKIPPY:
Hey, I am tough. Remember when I threw out that customer who was turning the pages of the magazines aggressively? Like as if he owned them? I put a stop to that, didn't I. I just turned around and pushed him out of the store.

ISABELLE:
Skippy, that man was in a wheelchair. This is a different situation. Bonnie works for the Department of Homeland Security. If we call them, they'll come over here. And they're not coming here to look for a Jacqueline Suzanne first edition. They're coming here to arrest someone.

SKIPPY:
That's the whole idea. We call the TV stations, radio, the newspapers, the wire services, the ACLU, we call everybody. We're guaranteed to get press on this. This is just the break we've been waiting for.

ISABELLE:
I am not going to set up one of our customers to be arrested.

SKIPPY:
This Arab guy you mean? No, of course not. I'll hire an actor to impersonate the Arab guy. I could even hire an Arab actor to impersonate the Arab guy. Wait a minute, he'd already be an Arab guy. That's even better.

ISABELLE:
They'll know it's not him. They have a picture.

SKIPPY:
They'll never know the difference. Shades, a beard, a hat, they have no idea what they're looking for. You'll say he's the one, they'll start to arrest him, I'll throw my body in front of him. Flash bulbs will pop, the TV cameras will roll, we'll be on the air!

ISABELLE:
You're going to throw your body in front of an armed federal agent? What are you going to say?

SKIPPY:
I'll say Take your hands off this innocent book lover. I'll say Every one of our loyal customers at Tavaro's Upstairs Bookshop, conveniently located on L Street North West, just above the Au Bon Pain, is entitled to the right to buy books with dignity and have a skim latté while they're reading as long as they don't get any foam on a book they haven't paid for.

ISABELLE:
They don't have those rights. The Patriot Act took away those rights.

SKIPPY:
Oh please, your guy is buying books. Nobody's going to arrest someone for buying books, don't be ridiculous. The feds will realize the whole thing is a big joke, we'll all have a cappuccino together and we'll be on the 11 o'clock news. We have to do this, Isabelle. If we don't make something happen in here, I can't pay the rent.

ISABELLE:
They're coming here to arrest someone and if you resist they'll use force.

SKIPPY:
That's even better. If it bleeds, it leads.

ISABELLE:
We can't let them arrest the actor, and if you stop them from arresting the actor, they'll arrest you.

SKIPPY:
Yes. That's great. That means it'll be at least a two-day story. I announce our location once when they arrest me, then a second time during the perp walk. Then a third time in court.

ISABELLE:
You're not going to get to court. They don't have to charge you with a crime. They just declare you an enemy combatant and lock you up. And then they'll interrogate you. They'll force you to answer questions.

SKIPPY:
Never. Absolutely not. I refuse to tell them how I under-cut Barnes & Noble. I have my sources and I will never reveal them.

ISABELLE:
I am not calling Bonnie. And we're not hiring an actor.

SKIPPY:
Okay, fine.

ISABELLE:
Thank you.

SKIPPY:
I'll call Bonnie, you'll impersonate the Arab guy and I'll jump in front of the federal agent to protect you. Let's rehearse.

READ PART 1 »