Shut Up, I'm Dave

DAVE:
Okay, what exactly are we wasting our time on this morning?

KAPLOWITZ:
Thanks for coming out, Dave. I really appreciate it.

DAVE:
Yuh, I can't tell you how thrilled I am to get out here in a supermarket parking lot at 9:30 on a frigging Saturday morning with the God damn wind chill.

KAPLOWITZ:
Hey the sun's out, Dave. And we'll break for coffee when we get cold.

DAVE:
Yuh, I'm ecstatic. How many other people are coming?

KAPLOWITZ:
Just you and me for now. I got some other people for the afternoon.

DAVE:
And I was the only idiot who agreed to do the morning? What are we petitioning for?

KAPLOWITZ:
Electric school buses. Like we talked about on the phone.

DAVE:
Yuh, I'm a little slow. Why do we want those? To save money on gas?

KAPLOWITZ:
No, although they probably will save money in the long run. Twenty-five percent of our kids have breathing disorders. And we're still using diesel buses that make breathing harder for our kids and for everybody else. So we want the school district to buy electric hybrid buses. For every diesel bus we shut down, we can reduce toxics by...

DAVE:
Yuh, yuh, yuh, clean air, I get it, I'm good. My older boy's got asthma. Not that my stupid ex-wife would ever bring him to the right kind of doctor, the little bitch.

KAPLOWITZ:
Really? That's great.

DAVE:
How is it great?

KAPLOWITZ:
No, I don't mean it's great. I mean you can relate to the issue personally. You can tell people about your son when you're petitioning.

DAVE:
Why would they care about my kid?

KAPLOWITZ:
They'll understand why you're doing this. It'll be more believable.

DAVE:
You're calling me a liar?

KAPLOWITZ:
No, just the opposite.

DAVE:
You're saying I used to be a liar?

KAPLOWITZ:
No, Dave, I'm just saying that you'll be more convincing.

DAVE:
Fine. Give me the clipboard. If I'm going to waste my time, I may as well get started. What am I saying?

KAPLOWITZ:
Just have the flyer ready to hand to them, have the clipboard ready, and you say something that'll make people stop.

DAVE:
Like what. Your fly is open?

KAPLOWITZ:
Just say "Can you sign on for clean air for our kids? Help us get electric hybrid school buses." If they don't stop, you don't follow them, you don't stand in their way. But if they do stop, you say you're with Parents Against Toxics and that we're pushing the school district to switch to electric, you explain why, and you ask them to fill in their name, address, and phone on one of these cards.

DAVE:
I'm never going to remember all that.

KAPLOWITZ:
Then just say whatever you're comfortable with.

DAVE:
Hold it, I got a live one here. Hey buddy. Electric buses for the kids, what do you say? Where you going? What am I, dog manure here?

KAPLOWITZ:
Dave.....

DAVE:
Hey, my son's got asthma because of bastards like you.

KAPLOWITZ:
Dave, he's gone.

DAVE:
Ignorant bastard.

KAPLOWITZ:
You can't talk to people like that.

DAVE:
Bastard looked exactly like my ex's lawyer.

KAPLOWITZ:
Nobody is going to sign on if you start insulting them.

DAVE:
I don't believe in coddling criminals.

KAPLOWITZ:
How do you know he's a criminal?

DAVE:
Listen, Jon, you don't get nothing by taking a punch.

KAPLOWITZ:
You have to talk to people the way you would want to be talked to.

DAVE:
Alright, alright, I get it. We're standing here talking and I could've had 10 signatures already.

KAPLOWITZ:
Just tone it down a little, okay?

DAVE:
Hi, can I talk to you for a second? Yuh, lady, you. You love your kids? Doesn't look like it.

KAPLOWITZ:
Dave.....

DAVE:
You an asshole or what?

KAPLOWITZ:
Dave, you can't do it like that.

DAVE:
My wife's friends were just like that. Bunch of shrunken anemic bitches. It's a lucky thing I'm not bitter.

KAPLOWITZ:
If they don't want to talk, you have to let them go.

DAVE:
Hey, I am not bending over backwards for these people. Screw that, where did it ever get me? I bought my wife a house I couldn't afford and now I'm eating corn flakes on my brother's couch.

KAPLOWITZ:
Let's go over this again.

DAVE:
No worries, Jon. I got it. Hi, can I talk to you about clean air for our kids? It'll just take a second, I promise. Can you talk to me for two minutes? Thank you. I'm not selling anything. You know the diesel buses the school district uses? Very bad for the kids, yes, you're right. I'm with a group called Parents Against Toxics. Yuh, I got two of my own. Not as well-behaved as your little girls, believe me. Mine are busy starting a fire in the paper towel section. Anyway, we're trying to get the school district to buy electric hybrid buses. Hey, they got the money. And they'll wind up spending less to fill up the tanks anyway. Can you help us out, put your name and address on a card to the school super? C'mon, how long does it take to write your name? You know what it's about, I just told you what it's about. No, we're not going to sell your name. What are you going to do now, walk away from me?

KAPLOWITZ:
Dave, if she doesn't want to.....

DAVE:
This is my name down here, so you know who I am. I'm not the greatest father in the world, but at least I can do this. Can't we set a decent example for our kids here? Thank you, I appreciate it. Thank you. My name is Dave. Charlotte? Hi, I'm Dave. I live around the corner. Here's a flyer, you can read more about it. I'll be here next week again, say hello. Take care.

KAPLOWITZ:
Dave.....

DAVE:
You see that Jon? She wasn't going to sign, but I wasn't going to give up on her. Sometimes you just have to lay it out for someone. That's what you got to do here. You get someone, you nail her.

KAPLOWITZ:
I appreciate that, Dave, but you have to understand that.....

DAVE:
Is it alright if I do this again next Saturday?

KAPLOWITZ:
Well Dave, what I was going to say is that...Yuh, next Saturday would be awesome.