Kaplowitz Gets Funded

KAPLOWITZ:
Good morning, Parents Against Toxics. This is Kaplowitz.

DON:
Hey there, Jon. This is Don Backle from the Phyllis and Fred Fister Foundation, how are you?

KAPLOWITZ:
Don. Hi. Yes. Don. Good to hear from you.

DON:
Well, my pleasure. You know we like to stay up to date on everything our grantees are doing.

KAPLOWITZ:
Sure, well we always invite you to come out to all our community meetings and our accountability sessions.

DON:
Yuh, I can't really get out of the office that much. You know, migraines, allergies, that sort of thing.

KAPLOWITZ:
That's too bad. Well I hope you got your Parents Against Toxics newsletter. We just sent them out last week.

DON:
Yes, I've been looking through it. My copy is a little faded. But don't you think it's time for you to change the name of your organization? We talked about that before, haven't we?

KAPLOWITZ:
You have a problem with the name?

DON:
It's just so negative, Jon. Parents against this. People against that. Folks who say bad things and then swear under their breath. Don't you hate that?

KAPLOWITZ:
Well, this is the name the parents wanted. They feel it gets the message across.

DON:
Why can't you be for something? Why can't it be Parents for Good Kids or something like that?

KAPLOWITZ:
Well, I'll suggest that at our next meeting.

DON:
Good, good. That all sounds good. Now I'll be bringing your renewal application up at the October board meeting, that's really why I wanted to check in with you.

KAPLOWITZ:
I'm glad you did. The parents really appreciate all the support the Fister Foundation has provided and it's really made a difference.

DON:
That's the Phyllis and Fred Fister Foundation.

KAPLOWITZ:
Yes, absolutely. The Phyllis and Fred Fister Foundation. You'll see the full name in the annual report.

DON:
Yes, but I noticed there wasn't anything in the newsletter about what parents should do when their kids swallow something that's bad for them.

KAPLOWITZ:
Something that's bad for them?

DON:
Sure, poison, bleach, lighter fluid, you know, something they're not supposed to be drinking. I thought that's what you started the organization for, isn't it? Help parents deal with children who swallow poisons?

KAPLOWITZ:
No, that's not exactly the purpose of the organization.

DON:
Well that's why we funded you. What's wrong with helping parents to keep their kids safe from poisons?

KAPLOWITZ:
Nothing. Absolutely nothing. But the parents in our organization are more concerned about the poisons in the air and in the water. Toxic waste dumps, heavy metals, pesticides, mercury, all that stuff. It's in our kids environment and we need to deal with it.

DON:
Well sure, but it wouldn't hurt to talk to parents about what to do if their children swallow Windex or something.

KAPLOWITZ:
No, it wouldn't hurt. It's just that...Well, we'll talk about it in our planning committee next week.

DON:
I think you should, Jon. It's really the central piece of the puzzle, you follow me?

KAPLOWITZ:
Yes, absolutely.

DON:
So what is this about your group joining the "Apollo Alliance?" Is that some kind of Greek thing? Apollo?

KAPLOWITZ:
No, it's not Greek at all. It's American. Totally American. It's a coalition of groups dedicated to a 10-point plan for making the United States independent from foreign oil with new clean energy production, conservation, and creating 3 million new jobs.

DON:
That's only 3 points.

KAPLOWITZ:
What?

DON:
You said there it was a 10-point plan. What are the other seven points?

KAPLOWITZ:
Well, I was just giving you the summary. I can certainly send you some more material about it.

DON:
Well hold on here, Jon. This is kind of a radical step, don't you think? Getting your organization in cahoots with this foreign group.

KAPLOWITZ:
It's not foreign. It was named after the Apollo space program.

DON:
You mean the astronauts? I like the astronauts.

KAPLOWITZ:
Yes, we all do. But that's not really what the Apollo Alliance is about. Energy production using fossil fuels causes acid rain and greenhouse gases. We could begin cutting out a lot of this pollution by using renewable sources like solar and wind power, and be a lot less dependent on foreign oil producers. And all that new innovation and investment will create jobs that we really need.

DON:
That sounds political, Jon. We can't support anything political. It's against the law.

KAPLOWITZ:
It's not political. It's what Parents Against Toxics cares about. Making the air and water better for kids.

DON:
So why do they call it Apollo?

KAPLOWITZ:
They call it Apollo because of President Kennedy's famous speech where he promised that in 10 years, we would land an astronaut on the moon.

DON:
So it is about the astronauts. That's good.

KAPLOWITZ:
It's not about the astronauts, damn it. Sorry. I'm sorry, Don. I didn't mean to raise my voice like that.

DON:
No need to get hostile, Jon.

KAPLOWITZ:
I apologize. The idea is that President Kennedy made a commitment to a goal that was important to our country and we followed through and completed it, and now we have to do the same thing on energy production.

DON:
Well Kennedy isn't exactly a good role model for a parents organization, is he? I mean he wasn't much of a father, was he?

KAPLOWITZ:
Maybe not, but that's not really why we've joined the Apollo Alliance.

DON:
Well what are you going to do if you find out that the Apollo Alliance has people in it who aren't even parents? What are you going to do then?

KAPLOWITZ:
How many times have I explain this to you? How many times have I told you the purpose of this organization? Nobody could be this lame. I've given you everything you asked for. I explained it in a concept paper. I explained it in a proposal. I explained it in a summary, in an outline, in a strategic plan, and in a program assessment. I explained it six thousand times. What is wrong with you? What else can I possibly do to make you understand?

DON:
Well to tell you the truth, Jon, what I really called about was that we would like you to speak at our annual board retreat in the Cayman Islands next week. We can't afford to pay your expenses, but the food there is really swell. What do you say?