What Color is Merlene's Parachute?
(The Deputy falls
down laughing.)
DEPUTY:
So tell
us why you want to be our receptionist.
MERLENE: Well
I'm just very good at being friendly over the phone. I always believe
in being polite and friendly and just, you know, being polite.
DEPUTY:
Have
you ever used the Sushami 96 Frumpex Phone System with the 3.0 Upgrade?
MERLENE: Uhh...Yes.
DEPUTY:
Yes you
have or yes you haven't.
MERLENE: Sure.
DEPUTY:
Good.
So then you could answer questions about it?
MERLENE: Most
questions, sure.
DEPUTY:
How do
you know when there's a phone call?
MERLENE: Uhh...When
it rings.
DEPUTY:
Exactly,
good. So why do you want to be our receptionist?
MERLENE: Well.
I just really feel that I'd be good at well, saying hello to people.
And you know, goodbye. Like when they leave.
DEPUTY:
Okay,
good. I'm giving you a "Satisfactory" on Job Readiness.
MERLENE: Thank
you. Who are you?
DEPUTY:
Oh gee, I'm sorry. I'm Skippy.
MERLENE: Skippy?
DEPUTY:
I'm the
deputy director for human resources.
MERLENE: You're
16 years old.
DEPUTY:
Oh no,
that's not true. I'm 22 and a half.
MERLENE: 22 and
a half.
DEPUTY:
Exactly.
I'll be 23 in April. I'm not supposed to ask you your age.
MERLENE: I'm
41. And a half.
DEPUTY:
Wow.
So you're already out of school.
MERLENE: Far
as I know.
DEPUTY:
Okay,
great. So what kind of drugs are you on?
MERLENE: Drugs?
I don't take drugs. You already gave me a drug test.
DEPUTY:
Yuh,
but that's just to test for the illegal stuff. We need to know what
legal drugs you're on. Hypadoxol, yureepra, jimmy-jimmy-jimino, you
know. Prescription drugs.
MERLENE: I'm
fine. I don't need any prescription drugs.
DEPUTY:
Everybody
needs drugs. You couldn't be fine if you're not on drugs.
MERLENE: Why
are you asking me this?
DEPUTY:
We're
a pharmaceutical company. We can't trust somebody who isn't on drugs.
How could we control them?
MERLENE: I don't
see what this has to do with.....
DEPUTY:
Alright,
look, I want to give you a Satisfactory on this part because I like you
and everything. In a non-sexual way.
MERLENE: Thank
you.
DEPUTY:
So I'm
just going to say "Recently prescribed Mackalusia."
MERLENE: What's
Mackalusia?
DEPUTY:
I don't
know, what's Mackalusia with you?
DEPUTY:
Sorry
about that. It's a knock-knock joke that we've never been able to
finish, but we know that if we ever did figure it out, it would be really
funny.
MERLENE: So there's
no such thing as Mackalusia?
DEPUTY:
Oh no,
it's a house afire. It's one of our big sellers. Number 73
with a bullet. It's for people who get tired at the end of the day,
right before they normally go to bed. So they take Mackalusia.
MERLENE: And
they don't feel tired anymore?
DEPUTY:
Those
people? No, they're working their asses off, what do you expect.
But at least if they're taking Mackalusia, they're doing something about
their problem.
MERLENE: Okay,
but I don't have a prescription. I don't have a doctor.
DEPUTY:
Don't
worry about it. We'll slip you a bottle before you leave and we'll
tell the staff doctor that it's for somebody else. This way I'll
be lying to the doctor, but I'll be telling the truth on the form.
Just hide it in your underwear and they'll never know. Are you wearing
underwear? Oh wait a minute, I'm not supposed to ask you that.
As a hypothetical, if you were wearing underwear, would you have any problem
hiding a bottle in your underwear?
MERLENE: How
big is the bottle?
DEPUTY:
It's
tiny. Don't worry about it. I'll slip you out the back way.
I really want to make this work.
MERLENE: Thank
you.
DEPUTY:
I really
like you non-sexually.
MERLENE: Thank
you.
DEPUTY:
Okay,
now we're at the last question. If you can answer this, then you
get the job.
MERLENE: Really?
DEPUTY:
Yuh,
this is it. I mean I don't have all day, so we just have to decide
and get this over with.
MERLENE: Fine.
If I get this job, would you be my supervisor?
DEPUTY:
No, absolutely
not. You'd be working for the assistant deputy for administration.
Buffy.
MERLENE: Fine.
What's the question?
DEPUTY:
Very
simple. Would you ever consider asking another woman to marry you?
MERLENE: Why
are you asking me this?
DEPUTY:
Well.....this
is proprietary, but I really like you, so I'm going to tell you.
But you have to keep it quiet. We're working on a new drug called
Quaxall that helps people who don't want to be gay anymore. You know,
for one reason or another.
MERLENE: And
you want to hire someone who would be interested in testing this drug for
you?
DEPUTY:
No.
And you're absolutely right to say no. The only thing we're afraid
of is someone using her employee discount to buy a supply of the drug,
and then it not working and her marrying a woman anyway and then suing
us because neither one of them knows how to fry an egg.
MERLENE: Okay.
Good. So is that it? Do I have the job?
DEPUTY:
Congratulations,
Merlene. You're hired. Would you like to go out for a drink?
With me?