Merlene Does Security

MERLENE:
Excuse me. Is this Army Get It On Security?

HENDERSON:
That's Armageddon Security.

MERLENE:
Armageddon? Doesn't that mean.....

HENDERSON:
It's just a name, okay? No pain, no gain.

MERLENE:
Are you in pain?

HENDERSON:
How may I protect you?

MERLENE:
Excuse me?

HENDERSON:
We're a security company. We don't say May I help you. We say May I protect you. It's just a marketing thing, don't make a big deal about it, okay?

MERLENE:
I wasn't.

HENDERSON:
We don't question authority here.

MERLENE:
What does that mean?

HENDERSON:
Never complain, never explain. Are you here to apply? You're Merlene? MERLINE: Yes. I'm here to apply. Who will I be meeting with?

HENDERSON:
You'll be meeting with me. Officer Henderson. And your interview did not start well.

MERLENE:
I'm sorry about questioning you. I didn't mean to.....

HENDERSON:
No regrets, no side bets.

MERLENE:
You keep doing that rhyming thing. I don't know how to do that.

HENDERSON:
I see from your application you have a background in security?

MERLENE:
Well, educational security, yes.

HENDERSON:
You were like a campus cop? At a college?

MERLENE:
No, not really.

HENDERSON:
What kind of piece did you carry?

MERLENE:
I carried the whole thing.

HENDERSON:
What kind of piece? What kind of gun? Don't you watch television?

MERLENE:
I didn't exactly carry a gun.

HENDERSON:
Nightstick?

MERLENE:
No.

HENDERSON:
Handcuffs?

MERLENE:
No.

HENDERSON:
You were a school crossing guard.

MERLENE:
Yes, but some of those kids were really tough. One of them had this sharpened carrot that he pulled on me. And his mother had given it to him.

HENDERSON:
Have you ever been denied a U.S. Passport?

MERLENE:
No.

HENDERSON:
Can you drive really fast?

MERLENE:
Yes.

HENDERSON:
You're hired. You're leaving for Afghanistan on Tuesday.

MERLENE:
You're stationing me in a war zone?

HENDERSON:
Of course not. You'll be driving through the war zone. The trick is not to stop for anything. You have get your cigarettes and Gatorade before you get in the car. Remember that and you'll be okay.

MERLENE:
I have an 8-year old son.

HENDERSON:
Absolutely no problem. We'll put him in day care in Turkey.

MERLENE:
Then I'll never see him. How will I know he's okay? I can't be separated from my son.

HENDERSON:
Well....Does he like to ride really fast?