Standing Up Merlene

DAVE:
All I said was she's not here. Where is she?

MERLENE:
I don't know where she is.

DAVE:
So what are we doing here?

MERLENE:
We're here because we're Parents Against Toxics and we care.

DAVE:
Meaning what?

MERLENE:
Meaning we can't just leave. We promised Kaplowitz we would do this today. You're making me crazy. Have a coffee.

DAVE:
What's the point? Coffee has to have a point.

MERLENE:
Maybe she had an emergency.

DAVE:
Yuh, maybe she had an emergency.

MERLENE:
That's right.

DAVE:
Or maybe she's an idiot.

MERLENE:
Is that how you want us to talk about you when you're not here?

DAVE:
I don't give a damn how you talk about me when I'm not here.

MERLENE:
We have work to do. We have to figure out the postcard that people will sign when we leaflet in front of the school board chairman's office.

DAVE:
I don't know anything about this.

MERLENE:
Then learn something. The action is Friday. We need two days to print up the cards, which means it has to be done today.

DAVE:
Listen, I have a rule.

MERLENE:
You have a rule.

DAVE:
That's right. Crystal didn't show up. She was irresponsible. Therefore, we have to be irresponsible in order to get even.

MERLENE:
What kind of crap is that?

DAVE:
That's good crap. That's the best crap there is.

MERLENE:
You think that's the way I want my son to act? It eats me up inside when he acts like that.

DAVE:
He acts like that?

MERLENE:
Sometimes he does, yes.

DAVE:
So you smack him.

MERLENE:
I don't do that.

DAVE:
Well, there's your problem. Spare the frigging rod.

MERLENE:
I don't want him thinking like that.

DAVE:
Hey, I got kids too.

MERLENE:
Yuh, all the most patient people have kids.

DAVE:
I'm patient, believe me. I'm a totally understanding son of a bitch. I understand these things. That's why I'm divorced. I'm too sensitive to be married.

MERLENE:
That's one way to put it.

DAVE:
How about you.

MERLENE:
How about me what?

DAVE:
How about you.

MERLENE:
You said that already. Is that supposed to be a compliment?

DAVE:
I said how about you. What's the situation?

MERLENE:
The situation? I'm waiting on tables right now, I'm not going to tell you where, and I'm not ashamed of what I do. Is that what you wanted to know?

DAVE:
I didn't ask that.

MERLENE:
You didn't have to. I could've been a brain surgeon, you know.

DAVE:
You could've been?

MERLENE:
Sure. If I knew about brain surgery. I don't really know much about it, so I don't do it.

DAVE:
Fine. Can we leave now?

MERLENE:
We promised to write the card, we're going to write the card.

DAVE:
I don't even know what I'm writing. What are we asking for?

MERLENE:
The school board chairman's brother owns this property on Highway 17. So he wants to build the new junior high school out there where there's no sewer and water lines, no access road, no public transportation, 20 miles away from where everybody lives, instead of building across from where the old one is. It'll use up more energy, more gasoline, cost more to build, and you'll spend half your time driving your kids to and from. All so he can get rich plowing up woods that should stay the way they are.

DAVE:
Okay, what have you got so far?

MERLENE:
Dear Mr. Chairman.

DAVE:
Dear Mr. Chairman what?

MERLENE:
That's what I got. Dear Mr. Chairman.

DAVE:
Dear Mr. Chairman. What kind of crap is this?

MERLENE:
You can't say that.

DAVE:
It expresses our point of view.

MERLENE:
You can't say that. We're supposed to be setting an example.

DAVE:
Dear Mr. Chairman. Where do you get off sticking your hand in the till and taking quality air and a quality life away from our kids? You're supposed to be protecting our kids, not making the air worse with your dumb growth schemes. How does your plan for the junior high school help anybody but yourself? Respond or else.

MERLENE:
Please respond.

DAVE:
Yuh, that's better. Please respond. You're really good at this.

MERLENE:
You don't have to be a smartass with me, okay?

DAVE:
I'm not being a smartass, I'm just saying you're really good at this.

MERLENE:
You're the one who wanted to walk away. Where do you get off?

DAVE:
Where do you get off?

MERLENE:
Where do you get off?

DAVE:
Just write down what we said and send it to Kaplowitz.

MERLENE:
You don't have to tell me what to do. Like I don't know what to do.

DAVE:
Oh, so you're saying I don't know what to do. Well I'm leaving. I hope you have the worst night you ever had. I hope when you get home there's bad news.

MERLENE:
I hope you dream you're awake.