Merlene Finds Wal-Mart

CLAIRE:
Good morning, Welcome to Wal-Mart Human Resources. You're Petula?

MERLENE:
Merlene.

CLAIRE:
Where's Petula?

MERLENE:
I don't know.

CLAIRE:
Did she leave?

MERLENE:
I don't know.

CLAIRE:
I have a quota. I'm a nervous person.

MERLENE:
I'm sorry.

CLAIRE:
It's only 9:30 and I've lost 3 people. You're applying for the Wal-Mart associate's position?

MERLENE:
Yes. Absolutely.

CLAIRE:
Why do you want to be a Wal-Mart associate?

MERLENE:
Well I love people, and I just think if I had the opportunity to love people on a regular basis, then I could.....

CLAIRE:
Alright, alright, later, you'll tell me later. Are you going to sue us?

MERLENE:
Sue you?

CLAIRE:
Yes or no. Are you going to sue us for any reason? Harassment? Disability? Wage and hour laws?

MERLENE:
I don't think so, no.

CLAIRE:
Try to be a little more decisive about this, okay Merlene? Are you going to sue us?

MERLENE:
No. Definitely not.

CLAIRE:
How many attorneys do you have in the family?

MERLENE:
I don't have any attorneys in the family?

CLAIRE:
How many of your boyfriends are attorneys?

MERLENE:
None.

CLAIRE:
They're all paralegals?

MERLENE:
No, none. I mean I don't have any boyfriends.

CLAIRE:
How many of your girlfriends are attorneys?

MERLENE:
I don't know any attorneys.

CLAIRE:
Do you own a phonebook?

MERLENE:
Yes.

CLAIRE:
And you expect me to believe that you don't know there are attorneys in the phonebook?

MERLENE:
I don't know any attorneys.

CLAIRE:
And you promise not to call any for any reason whatsoever as long as you shall live.

MERLENE:
Yuh, sure. Fine.

CLAIRE:
You were fired from your job with Fun Pharmaceuticals.

MERLENE:
That's because I refused to take their drugs. I told them I wouldn't take drugs when they hired me, but they wouldn't stop asking and so I just had to....

CLAIRE:
We don't care why you were fired. We're hiring you because you were fired. We only want people who were fired.

MERLENE:
Should I ask why?

CLAIRE:
Because that way we know that they can't afford to be fired again. Which means that they will not get hurt on the job, will not get propositioned on the job, will not kiss anyone on the job, and will not stop working to eat a pretzel. Is that clear?

MERLENE:
Yuh, clear, absolutely.

CLAIRE:
We need people who cannot afford to be fired. How many of your children know you were arrested?

MERLENE:
The charged were dropped. And they're toddlers.

CLAIRE:
So none is the answer. When are you going to tell them that you have a police record?

MERLENE:
I don't have a police record. It was a mistake.

CLAIRE:
Being a passenger in a vehicle in which there was an opened bottle of an alcoholic beverage is not a mistake.

MERLENE:
It was a mobile home. It wasn't moving. I didn't drink anything. What the hell is wrong with you?

CLAIRE:
You're hired.

MERLENE:
I have the job?

CLAIRE:
And you're late. Where's your smock?