Compassionate Privatization

Hot Shot Reporter:
What's the story on social security, Ari? Is the president going to push for privatization now, or wait until 2005 and then round up all the seniors and force them to live under house arrest in Nevada?


Ari:
Dave, there is no plan like that, and I wish you would stop asking about it and alarming people. The Department of Homeland Security has observed that many seniors are potentially vulnerable to coercion by those axis of evil bad guys because old folks are always short on money for prescription drugs and rent and food and all those other things that seniors like to buy.


HSR:
So there is a plan?


Ari:
Not to round them up, for Christ's sake. Just to keep an eye on them so they stay out of trouble. Satellite cameras on bingo night, a few agents at the dog track, nothing that extensive. It's just a small part of Condition Yellow.


HSR:
Okay, but where does social security privatization come in?


Ari:
Well, social security, homeland security, it's all part of the same thing. We can't have a voting block out there that doesn't depend on the stock market for their livelihood. All those old folks are living off the good will of American citizens and we have to break them of that habit pronto.


HSR:
So you want them to give up their guaranteed living allowances and just play the stock market?


Ari:
Well, those old folks love to gamble anyway. Put a slot machine in front of them and they drop their pants just to get closer to it. All we're saying is the casino economy is the only one that really counts, and they should get with the program.


HSR:
Will the president personally guarantee earnings on these privatized retirement accounts?


Ari:
What do you think he is, stupid?