Merlene and Louise

Merlene:
Hello? Is anybody working here? I’m looking for health insurance. Is there anyone here?

Louise:
Harry! Customer!

Merlene:
Is this the Harry and Louise Health Insurance Agency or isn’t it?

Louise:
Park it and button it. You think you’re the only customer in here?

Merlene:
I am the only customer in here.

Louise:
Oh sure, this week. Where were you last week?

Merlene:
Are you supposed to be smoking a cigarette in here?

Louise:
My office, my rules.

Merlene:
Can I buy some health insurance please?

Louise:
We have procedures.

Merlene:
I filled out 12 forms already.

Louise:
That was just to allow you into the building. The security department keeps all those, I don’t see those. Harry!

Merlene:
Who’s Harry?

Louise:
Harry saved my life, young lady. Harry saved all our lives.

Merlene:
How did he do that?

Louise:
Harry invented modern health insurance.

Merlene:
Your husband invented health insurance?

Louise:
I’m not talking about that old fashioned mamby-pamby Blue Cross stuff you grew up with. I’m talking about manly health insurance.

Merlene:
Why would I want that?

Louise:
I’m trying to help you. Social?

Merlene:
No, I don’t go out very much. I’m divorced, I have two kids, I’m out of a job, I’m kind of having a tough time of it. But thank you for asking.

Louise:
I meant what is your social security number.

Merlene:
Sorry. 010-00-9999.

Louise:
That doesn’t sound like a good number.

Merlene:
What’s wrong with it.

Louise:
It’s not coming out on my computer.

Merlene:
I’m not in your computer. I’m not one of your customers yet.

Louise:
Well why didn’t you say that? We’ll have to check this out with our data people.

Merlene:
I need health insurance.

Louise:
Yuh, and I need a drink, but we can’t all have what we want, can we sweetie? Harry!

Merlene:
I lost my job, I ran out of COBRA, I don’t have any coverage for my kids.

Louise:
Hey, I’m not the one who screwed up her marriage and got fired.

Merlene:
May I please buy some health insurance?

Louise:
You’re getting awfully pushy, you know that? You just walked in here.

Merlene:
I’ve been waiting for an hour and a half.

Louise:
Hey, we’re the private sector. We’re not going to serve you just because you’re some victim. Some minority person. Some low income broad. You understand sweetheart?

Merlene:
Can you at least explain to me what you’re selling here?

Louise:
Oh, now suddenly you’re interested. And why should we want you? Harry and Louise’s Health Plan does not just take anyone you know.

Merlene:
Why wouldn’t you take me?

Louise:
You have kids. What are you doing with kids? Kids get sick. You think we want to get mixed up with that? And what about you? You’re still child-bearing age. Like you’re not dying to walk out of here and get pregnant again.

Merlene:
Says who?

Louise:
I can see it all over your face. You’ll probably get pregnant before you leave the building. You like a challenge, don’t you. Well we got no use for people who get pregnant indoors. No use for them.

Merlene:
If you don’t cover children, what do you cover?

Louise:
You’ll have to ask Harry that. Harry!

Merlene:
How much does it cost?

Louise:
Price, price, price. Everything is price with you people.

Merlene:
How much does it cost?

Louise:
$500 a month. Big deal.

Merlene:
I don’t have $500 a month. What’s the deductible?

Louise:
It's nothing. $5,000.

Merlene:
$5,000? You mean I have to pay $5,000 in medical bills out of my own pocket before you’ll pay for anything?

Louise:
You’re such a spoil sport. Look at it positively. If you have one heart attack, you get the second one for free.

Merlene:
Don’t you think it’s time for us to have national health insurance?

Louise:
Bite your knocked-up tongue. National health insurance? And have the government come between you and your doctor?

Merlene:
I don’t have a doctor because I don’t have health insurance. And aren’t you going to be standing between me and my doctor?

Louise:
Well, for $500, we’re not really going to give you your own doctor. But you’ll have a long list of doctors who will probably see you when they have the time, if they’re not ticked off at us for making them fill out too many forms and denying their claims. But a lot of time, that doesn’t happen, so you’ll be fine.

Merlene:
Do you pay for drugs?

Louise:
Are you kidding? We love drugs. We’ll give you drugs for everything. You just have to stick to drugs that are on our formulary. Harry!

Merlene:
Does that mean you won’t give me the drugs that my doctor prescribes?

Louise:
Of course not. We’ll just make him prescribe something different or we’ll refuse to pay him and we’ll refuse to reimburse you, and if you do it again, we’ll have you arrested.

Harry:
Can’t a guy watch a Bay Watch rerun in peace in his own....Merlene?

Merlene:
Neils?

Louise:
Who’s Neils?

Harry:
You must have me confused with...

Merlene:
I don’t have you confused with anyone, Neils. Except someone who isn’t married. I asked you if you were married.

Harry:
We were in a motel. Nobody tells the truth in a.....

Louise:
Who is Neils?

Merlene:
He’s Neils. Why aren’t you asking who I am?

Louise:
Are you having a thing with her?

Harry:
A thing? With her? Of course not. How can you ask that? This is a just a case of...a case of...

Louise:
Diet Pepsi?

Harry:
No. A case of mistaken identity.

Merlene:
Is this what you meant when you said last week we had to cool it for awhile? That you had to go back to your wife? You didn’t mistake my identity, did you.

Harry:
I don’t know why I called you Merlene. I don’t even know what your name is.

Louise:
Her name is Merlene.

Harry:
It’s a coincidence. She’s lying.

Merlene:
This is the man who saved your life? Excuse me, I have to leave.

Harry:
Wait! Merlene, before you leave, I just have to say one thing. This would be a damn good health plan for you.