Stop the Snow Man

SNOW:
I don’t know how to say this, but I really thought as Secretary of the Treasury, I had made it to the top of my profession. I thought I’d be better known, I’d get to write books, give speeches, get invited to parties, be on magazine covers. I’m witty, I’m charming, I hold people’s attention. Best of all, I’m memorable.

SHRINK:
What was your name again?

SNOW:
John.

SHRINK:
Not that interesting a name.

SNOW:
My mother liked it.

SHRINK:
You have issues with your mother?

SNOW:
No.

SHRINK:
Why not?

SNOW:
Why aren’t I famous? Why aren’t I on the talk shows? When is it my turn? When do I get to tell my story?

SHRINK:
What’s your angle?

SNOW:
I created it. I created this whole beautiful thing.

SHRINK:
What thing?

SNOW:
The jobless recovery. This is our greatest jobless recovery in history. We have bigger profits, bigger CEO salaries, and bigger job losses than ever. And does anyone thank the Snow Man? Nothing. I walk into Wal-Mart and I don’t even get a free beer.

SHRINK:
They sell beer in Wal-Mart? I got to get down there.

SNOW:
Only with ID. But I’m the God damn Secretary of the Treasury. I should be getting it for free.

SHRINK:
What exactly were you expecting from the job?

SNOW:
What does anybody expect from a public service job? Wild women, parties, dangerous missions, expensive clothes, the usual.

SHRINK:
Not to burst your bubble, but didn’t you have any interest in serving your country?

SNOW:
Get real. The prez wanted someone who would keep his mouth shut and wouldn’t get in the way of his real advisors. I got no problem with that. But what do I get in return? My name on a twenty?

SHRINK:
Okay, so you’re a nobody. But you wouldn’t be thinking of doing anything stupid, right?

SNOW:
You mean sleeping around?

SHRINK:
No, I mean trying to come up with some economic policy.

SNOW:
What do I look like, a Nobel laureate dude? And what do you care about policy? You’re supposed to be helping me to not feel so screwed up.

SHRINK:
So you’re not going to blab any of this to the press.

SNOW:
Oh, like they’d be interested. What are you so worried about?

SHRINK:
Just trying to be supportive. You don’t mind if I lock you up here overnight? Strictly for observation.

SNOW:
What are you going to be observing?

SHRINK:
It’s kind of more that we don’t want anyone else observing you? Get a good night’s sleep tonight, the next night, and for oh, two or three hundred more nights, and I’ll see you in April, most likely.

SNOW:
You can’t just lock me up. What are you doing? Who are you really?

SHRINK:
I have no knowledge of who I really am. I have no knowledge period.

SNOW:
Andrew Card!

SHRINK:
No! Wrong! You lose! You’re totally and completely wrong.

SNOW:
Your handkerchief says Andrew Card!

SHRINK:
I borrowed it from a guy named Andrew Card.

SNOW:
You’re the White House Chief of Staff. You’re not a shrink.

SHRINK:
Hey, I was the president of the American Automobile Manufacturers Association. We made cars smaller all the time.

SNOW:
And now you’re posing as a psycho-therapist?

SHRINK:
It’s not as hard to spot a wacko as you think.

SNOW:
Why are you locking me up?

SHRINK:
Why do we do anything? Because we can. I’m not going to have some stupid engineer guy getting his hands on the economic policy of my president. We’ve been watching you for months, buddy boy. You are a terrible dinner date. This is the end of the line. We’re putting you someplace where we know that no one will ever listen to you again.

SNOW:
You mean.....

SHRINK:
That’s right. You are now our new Secretary of State.