A Hole in More Than One

CHARLIE:
Come in, come in, Mr. Jiff. Thank you for coming down here. This is an emergency. I don’t know where else to turn.


JEFF:
Well, it’s probably too late for me to do anything.....


CHARLIE:
Don’t say that, Mr. Jiff, please don’t say that. There has to be a way out of this, Mr. Jiff.


JEFF:
Call me Jeff, please.


CHARLIE:
Yes sir, Mr. Jeff. I’m in your hands. What do I do?


JEFF:
Call me Jeff. Jeff Jiff.


CHARLIE:
Which is it?


JEFF:
Jeff Jiff. Jiff is the last name. Like the peanut butter.


CHARLIE:
Used to have a friend named Skippy.


JEFF:
Congressman, you’re about to be indicted.


CHARLIE:
He betrayed me. I never forget that sort of thing. But I can’t dwell on that. You hear me? I can’t dwell on it. Press on, that’s my motto. Press on. Oh dear God my life is over.


JEFF:
Congressman, please.


CHARLIE:
My career is over.


JEFF:
Not necessarily. Probably, but not necessarily.


CHARLIE:
You’re my last hope, Jeff. I can’t climb out of this hole without you. That’s what everybody’s told me. You need an ethics expert. You need someone who eats, drinks, and sleeps ethics. Get this Jiff fella, he’s the only chance you have.


JEFF:
Well they were right, I am the only chance you have.


CHARLIE:
Do I have a chance Jeff?


JEFF:
Not really no.


CHARLIE:
Don’t sugar-coat it for me, Jeff, tell me the truth. What does it look like? Don’t curse, I don’t allow cursing, but what does it look like?


JEFF:
It looks like heck on toast, Congressman.


CHARLIE:
Oh my God, oh dear God.


JEFF:
The gifts, the dinners, the women.


CHARLIE:
What women?


JEFF:
That’s the problem. There were no women. If only there was a woman involved, we could make it into a sex thing and the Democrats couldn’t touch you.


CHARLIE:
I am a married man.


JEFF:
I know, that’s why it would’ve been perfect. You cop to adultery and it’s over. But these golf trips are going to kill you. Golf is lethal, Charlie.


CHARLIE:
I never played golf with Jack.


JEFF:
You belong to the same club.


CHARLIE:
I don’t even remember Jack at the club. Nobody remembers him. And I talk with lots of men in the shower. Hundreds of them.


JEFF:
That’s good. We’ll use that.


CHARLIE:
Wouldn’t I remember being in the shower with Jack? Of course I would. I barely knew him.


JEFF:
They saw you together in a clothing store. How are you going to explain that?


CHARLIE:
We were buying plaid pants together. What is so terrible about that?


JEFF:
How could you not know he was a scuzzball?


CHARLIE:
I don’t like that kind of language, Jeff. There’s a picture of my wife on this desk, did you realize that?


JEFF:
I’m sorry.


CHARLIE:
Honest mistake. Jack was a fella who was always around and everyone knew he was a fella who could help you.


JEFF:
So you bought pants with him?


CHARLIE:
It was a public place. He said to me You take care of the fly, I’ll take care of filling the pockets.


JEFF:
And you didn’t know that was a offer of a bribe?


CHARLIE:
Certainly not. I thought it was a friendly heterosexual reference. Men kid like that at The Gap all the time.


JEFF:
You told the papers you were there by accident.


CHARLIE:
That’s true. We were finished with lunch at 2:30, it was practically the end of the day, no point in driving back to the office, so he said let’s go in here, I need a pair of magenta briefs.


JEFF:
Charlie, what were you thinking?


CHARLIE:
He asked me if I liked scotch. I said sure. Then he asked me if I liked golf.


JEFF:
Why didn’t you say No? Any idiot would know that golf is a criminal act.


CHARLIE:
Well I am not an idiot.


JEFF:
So you said yes.


CHARLIE:
I did not say yes. I was noncommittal.


JEFF:
He asked you if you liked golf and you said “More than life itself.”


CHARLIE:
I said no such thing.


JEFF:
You said it on tape, Congressman. The security video in the store got a recording of everything.


CHARLIE:
Oh dear God my life is over.


JEFF:
What the hell were you doing?


CHARLIE:
Language! So I reacted semi-favorably. So what? I said I like golf. Next thing I knew, I was wearing a kilt standing on a fairway with the wind blowing up my you know what.


JEFF:
You accepted a golf trip to Scotland in exchange for giving his client favorable treatment in a multi-million dollar Indian casino deal.


CHARLIE:
Well when you put it that way....