Republicans and Beer

CONRAD:
This is such a waste of time, dude.


JASON:
No, man. We have to stay here until we have a strategy to give to Kenny.


CONRAD:
We don't need no stinkin' strategy. We got beer. We took Orange County with beer. We took Virginia with beer, we got Florida with beer.


JASON:
Beer is fine for voters under 25. We're getting them. They're with the program. They think if we give them individual accounts, they'll be able to text message their stock trades to their personal broker, who will take their twenty-eight dollars and sixteen cents a week in payroll taxes and make them rich while they still have an erection.


CONRAD:
Which we will, man.


JASON:
Conrad.....


CONRAD:
Okay, we won't exactly. But sometimes you have to let people do the right thing for the wrong reason.


JASON:
Even though they're inclined to do the wrong thing for the wrong reason.


CONRAD:
Which is where the beer comes in.


JASON:
Conrad, I capitulate totally on the beer with specific regard to voters in the 18 to 25 cohort. We got them with the beer parties. They're totally on board. They love us. They're giving us oral sex. We're golden. But this is not happening with people over 55.


CONRAD:
We should just give them more beer.


JASON:
They don't drink beer. Or at least the ones who drink beer don't drink enough of it to consider our brilliant arguments.


CONRAD:
These over-55 people are impossible. What do they want?


JASON:
I am clueless, Con-Man. And Kenny doesn't get them either. This is is why we have to expostulate a strategy and marshall our resources to effectuate meaningful coersion.


PIZZA MAN:
Knock knock! Pizza Man!


JASON:
Damnski. God damnski.


CONRAD:
Billy and Choo-Choo.


JASON:
Fricking Billy and Choo-Choo. Not only do they leave work at the stroke of 11 PM and leave us to figure out the whole strategy, but they order pizza and then forget they ordered it.


CONRAD:
That is so Un-American.


PIZZA MAN:
Pizza Man! Anybody there?


JASON:
Yuh, c'mon in.


PIZZA MAN:
Working late fellas?


CONRAD:
What's it look like, Pops?


JASON:
Conrad, behave yourself. Don't pay attention to him, Pizza Man. He's assholically-deprived.


PIZZA MAN:
Sure, sure. So okay, two large meat-lover pies, extra meat, extra cheese, with a side of meat and a side of cheese. Twenty-nine fifty.


JASON:
Listen, we're sorry about this, dude, but the two guys who ordered this already left, they're gone.


PIZZA MAN:
Meaning what? That you don't want the pies?
CONRAN: No can do. We scarfed eight Lean Cuisines at 9 PM, bro. We can't do pizza now. You get it?


PIZZA MAN:
Isn't this the Republican National Committee?


CONRAD:
Yuh, so?


PIZZA MAN:
Whoever ordered this put it on your account. All you have to do is sign for it.


CONRAD:
Excellent, man. Sign Billy's name.


JASON:
Whoa. We're not supposed to be using the RNC pizza account. This is verboten on a stick. This is non-fiscally conservative.


CONRAD:
So let them fry for it. Sign Choo-Choo's name.


JASON:
Can't do that. They get in trouble, we get in trouble. Bad Kharma, bad Parma, bad Pharma.


PIZZA MAN:
It's getting late, fellas, I just need a signature.


JASON:
Okay, this calls for a creative constabulatory solution here. A non-negative solution. They give me a bunch of lemons, you know what I do? I make them into apples and oranges.


PIZZA MAN:
Fellas.....


JASON:
Mr. Pizza Man. Let's make a deal. Wipe out the charge to our account, we'll pay cash for the pizza, and we'll throw in some extra. We need to ask you a few questions. Keep us company for like 5 minutes, you leave here with $100 in green. And I'll put it in your hand right now, so you know there's no hanky in your panky.


PIZZA MAN:
That does look like a hundred dollars in my hand.


JASON:
Yes it does.


PIZZA MAN:
And baby needs a new pair of shoes.
CONRAN: You have a baby?


PIZZA MAN:
Skip it. Okay, I'll answer any question that isn't about politics. I absolutely draw the line there. No questions about politics.


JASON:
This whole thing is about politics. Here's another twenty.


PIZZA MAN:
Okay, fine.


JASON:
Alright, let me put this delicately. No offense, but you look a little old to be a pizza delivery guy. You about 50, 55, somewhere in there?


PIZZA MAN:
Sixty-four. Born the year that Paris fell.
CONRAN: Hilton?


PIZZA MAN:
France.
CONRAN: I don't think I know her.


JASON:
Don't pay attention to him. Why the truck and the uniform, if I may ask?


PIZZA MAN:
Can't believe you fellas haven't heard this whole thing. I used to be a machinist. Lost my pension when the company went bust. Got an office job. They out-sourced that. Not that many places want to hire a 64 year old. Was that worth $100?


JASON:
Might be. Why don't you want us to fix social security?


PIZZA MAN:
Fix social security? Is that what you're calling it now? A fix?


JASON:
It's running out of money, man.


PIZZA MAN:
Just when I need to start collecting it, they're running out of money?


JASON:
Not for you though. Anybody your age will be totally unaffected by any of this.


PIZZA MAN:
Totally unaffected. So when you pull out more than half of the payroll tax to pay for these private accounts for the youngsters, I'm going to be totally unaffected.


JASON:
Totally.


PIZZA MAN:
And you borrow 2 trillion plus to cover those accounts, I'm going to be totally unaffected?


JASON:
Absatively.


PIZZA MAN:
And you change from wage indexing to price indexing and I'm going to be totally unaffected?


CONRAD:
That's what he said, man.


PIZZA MAN:
And my kids and grandkids will not have the social security benefit that I have?


JASON:
Not really, no. But they'll private accounts.


PIZZA MAN:
And there won't be as much money to fund survivor's benefits for widows and children?


JASON:
Probably not.


PIZZA MAN:
And you're guaranteeing that I'm not going to be affected by any of that?


JASON:
For sure. Unaffected. Totally unaffected. So what do you think of that?


PIZZA MAN:
I think you guys are full of it. Anything else?


JASON:
No, I think that about does it.


PIZZA MAN:
I heard you guys have beer. Anything left for me?