Taken To School

CLANCY:
I just have to talk to you, Mr. Pickle. I just have to.


PICKLE:
Well I don't have all day, Ms. Clancy. And I believe you have homework to correct and tests to grade.


CLANCY:
Yes sir I do, Mr. Pickle. But I just have to talk to you about this re-naming of our school. I just have to.


PICKLE:
If you have a problem with your school, Ms. Clancy, you need to be talking to your principal, Mrs. Clockwork.


CLANCY:
Yes sir, Mr. Pickle. I've talked to Mrs. Clockwork about the re-naming of the school, but she has made it clear to me that the decision was not hers and that her hands are tied. "My hands are tied," she said to me. That's just what she said to me.


PICKLE:
And were her hands tied?


CLANCY:
Yes they were. A bunch of these bratty kids had tied her hands together with hundreds of yards of dental floss and she wasn't able to drink her Postum.


PICKLE:
Did she say who tied her hands?


CLANCY:
I couldn't make out what she was saying because of the duct tape across her mouth. Our school secretary, Alice Mary Alice, was beside herself.


PICKLE:
She was upset?


CLANCY:
No, not at all. She was beside herself. Alice Mary Alice was sitting right next to Alice Mary Alice. I don't know how these damn kids did that.


PICKLE:
She was beside herself.


CLANCY:
Exactly. Every since they started in with re-naming our school, these kids have been just impossible, Mr. Pickle. So I said to myself that I would go right to the chairman of our school board and ask him why we have to change our school name like this. So I need to ask you straight out, Mr. Pickle. Why are we re-naming our school the Kenneth Lay and Jeffrey Skilling School?


PICKLE:
Call me Picky.


CLANCY:
Excuse me?


PICKLE:
Picky. Call me Picky. Everyone calls me Picky.


CLANCY:
Why is that, Mr. Pickle.


PICKLE:
Honestly, I just never figured that out. You know how school kids are.


CLANCY:
You mean they come up with a name for you and they won't let go of it?


PICKLE:
No, I mean they're scum. But what's wrong with the Kenneth Lay and Jeffrey Skilling School?


CLANCY:
Mr. Pickle, how can you even ask that? Those men are convicted criminals. They lied and pilfered and stole and thought nothing of cheating thousands of their employees out of their pension money.


PICKLE:
Well, sure, but it's just a name. You know what kind of a grant these people are giving us? Six million dollars. You think we can turn that down?


CLANCY:
Why can't we? The schools are supposed to be paid for by the taxpayers, not by criminals.


PICKLE:
Oh dream on, sweetheart. We lost the bond issue to build new schools. We lost the vote just to keep the taxes at 75% of what they were last year. The mayor told all our kids to just forget the whole thing and go to the mall.


CLANCY:
That's shameful, Mr. Pickle. What kind of a message are we sending to our children when the only people who will educate them are criminals?


PICKLE:
Oh it isn't as bad as all that. They're bringing in all these new ideas. We're going to have the Deregulation Cafeteria. Featuring fresh fruits and vegetables grown with pesticides that are perfectly legal in many parts of the world.


CLANCY:
They're going to serve DDT? That's poison. It kills people. How is that good for the children?


PICKLE:
Well at least they won't be eating junk food.


CLANCY:
Not after they're dead, no. And what is this plan to invest our pension fund in stock market derivatives? Our union isn't going to go along with that.


PICKLE:
You know, I should've mentioned that earlier, sorry. You're going to have to get rid of the union. It was sort of a condition of the grant.


CLANCY:
We're going to have to get rid of the teacher's union? It's my union.


PICKLE:
Well I could do it myself, but then I'd have to fire all of you, which would really be a pain in the neck,. You don't want me to have to go through that, do you?


CLANCY:
Mr. Lay and Mr. Skilling don't care about our children. They're just donating this money to make themselves look like heroes, to rebuild their reputations.


PICKLE:
They are heroes.


CLANCY:
Why?


PICKLE:
Because they saved my job. And they saved yours. And look at what they're giving our kids. Practical stuff they can use. Stock quotes every hour. Paid advertising in the bathrooms. Plus look at what the A students can do. They can sell their grades on the school's new web site, E-Ville.


CLANCY:
They can sell their grades?


PICKLE:
Yes. To stupid rich kids who really need them.


CLANCY:
They can sell their grades?


PICKLE:
On E-Ville. It's a great service.


CLANCY:
They're eight years old! And you have them committing stock fraud and cheating and fraternizing with criminals?


PICKLE:
Only if they have the written permission of their parents. I'm insisting on that. What kind of a society would we have if there weren't any rules?