Sound Bite This

HARRISON:
March 15, 2007. Sound Bite This! The news can't wait, and we have it for you. Mack Harrison and James Hicks with you tonight and forever. What's the buzz, Hickster?


HICKS:
I'm shaking and baking, Macky. Can you believe what these other so-called news channels are giving you today? Early 2007 and they have nothing to talk about but the 2008 presidential election.


HARRISON:
Isn't that a belch and a half? Twenty-one months away and they have nothing better to talk about.


HICKS:
Don't I know it. But we've got the real news, Mack. The war in Iraq. Health care. Immigration. We've got it all for you right here, don't touch that dial.


HARRISON:
I'm right behind you, Hickster. Dateline. Baghdad. Iraq.


HICKS:
The nation's capital.


HARRISON:
Cradle of the Iraqi union. An in depth, up to the moment look at that terrible war. We have it right here. The horror, the bloodshed, the agony.


HICKS:
First question, Mack: Why is Hillary afraid to model the new body armor in front of the cameras? She says she's for it, she says she wants all the troops to have it. Let her take off her cream-colored pants suit once and for all and put on the armor. What is she afraid of?


HARRISON:
We're still waiting for the answer. And what about Edwards? What is he doing about all these Iranians sending over their explosive devices to kill American soldiers? The Internet says he plans to take them to small claims court.


HICKS:
Is that his whole plan?


HARRISON:
Well, the Internet says he refuses to deny it.


HICKS:
Well, if the Internet says so, it must be true.


HARRISON:
But we placed a phone call to his office.


HICKS:
That's right. Because we are card-carrying investigative journalists.


HARRISON:
Correctimundo. And they have not returned our call.


HICKS:
Well, you know what that means.


HARRISON:
You don't have to spell it out for me, Hickster. But forget Iraq. What about health care?


HICKS:
Health care in the good old U.S. of A.


HARRISON:
That's right. Let's put it under the microscope. The coming Avian Flu epidemic. Who does it help? Who does it hurt?


HICKS:
Well any kind of epidemic is a huge boost to Hillary.


HARRISON:
Oh she eats that up.


HICKS:
You get an epidemic, you got to make big changes to health care.


HARRISON:
Exactly.


HICKS:
So obviously, she's got to be praying for an epidemic.


HARRISON:
She's on her hands and knees every night. And Giuliani is pitifully weak on health care.


HICKS:
He's pitiful.


HARRISON:
If he knew the first thing about health care, he never would've caught prostate cancer.


HICKS:
Of course not.


HARRISON:
And what about McCain on substance abuse?


HICKS:
Exactly. Is he or isn't he? He says he's just as religious as every other alcoholic in the Republican party, but can we believe him? Has anyone seen him drinking? And why does he refuse to kiss Pat Robertson on the mouth? What does that tell you about his commitment?


HARRISON:
It speaks volumes. Dateline, Iowa City. Mitt Romney says that being a Morman isn't going to affect what he does as president. But hey, with six wives, who needs health care?


HICKS:
Exactly. And what about Immigration?


HARRISON:
What about Immigration?


HICKS:
You said it, Mack. What about Immigration? Dateline, Washington, DC.


HARRISON:
A sleeping republic. Totally unaware of what is really happening at the border. And what is Hillary doing about it?


HICKS:
Like Hillary doesn't have a Philippina illegal stashed in her hotel room ironing out all those cream-colored pants suits.


HARRISON:
She's on her hands and knees every night. And what about Giuliani?


HICKS:
Like Giuliani isn't a foreign name. Who is he fooling? And then he says that pasta is American. Like there wasn't a green card hidden in his ravioli fifty years ago.


HARRISON:
You tell him, Hickster. Meanwhile, Obama is from Kenya, so he's obviously on the defensive on immigration. And that story about him eating a pork chop in a Mosque refuses to go away.


HICKS:
I'm still seeing it on the Internet.


HARRISON:
It refuses to go away.


HICKS:
But right now it's time for us to go away. Just a bare 10 seconds for the Sound Bite This poll. Get your text phones ready, folks.


HARRISON:
Here it is. Thermonuclear war breaks out tomorrow. Does it help Joe Biden or hurt him?


HICKS:
That's the question. Until then, Sound Bite Me!


HARRISON:
Sound Bite Me, America!