The Crown and the Glory

DONNIE:
Johnny, I'd like to introduce you to Miss USA.


USA:
Oh, please call me by my real name. Litany.


JOHNNY:
Litany?


USA:
Yes. Litany. So nice to meet you.


JOHNNY:
The pleasure is all mine. Do you know why we've asked you here Miss USA? Litany?


USA:
Well, I'm not entirely sure. I thought I had met everyone from the pageant committee earlier.


DONNIE:
No, Litany, we're with the Republican State Committee.


USA:
Oh. So you all are Republicans. For a living.


JOHNNY:
Did you tell her, or didn't you?


DONNIE:
Only in general terms. I wanted us to give it to her together. The proposition.


USA:
I'm not allowed to be propositioned. That's a pageant rule.


DONNIE:
Of course you're not. That was the wrong word. I apologize. This is actually a matter of civic responsibility.


JOHNNY:
Will you please give her the straight story?


DONNIE:
I'm trying to prepare her properly.


USA:
Are you gentlemen representing another pageant?


DONNIE:
Well, in a way we are.


JOHNNY:
It's not a God damn pageant.


USA:
Because I can't be involved with another pageant while I wear the Miss USA crown. After my little, you know, incident with alcohol abuse, I'm sort of on probation, and I have to stay on the straight and narrow, as it were.


JOHNNY:
Yes, we know all about that. Would you like a drink?


DONNIE:
Johnny….


JOHNNY:
Just to break the ice.


DONNIE:
She can't drink.


JOHNNY:
Of course, of course. I apologize. The new assignment we're speaking of would not begin until after your term of office as Miss USA has expired at the end of the year.


USA:
Oh. Well that would be okay then. How much does it pay?


DONNIE:
We'll come to that. First, we need to sort of set the stage.


USA:
Is this something in show business?


DONNIE:
You could say that.


JOHNNY:
Just tell her.


DONNIE:
I'm getting to it. Now Miss USA. Litany. It's now common knowledge that you are a recovering alcoholic.


USA:
Yes I am. I have been clean and sober for 47 days.


DONNIE:
That's great. And I'm sure you know that there are many, many people throughout our state, the great state of Kentucky, that identify strongly with the brave journey that you have taken.


USA:
Well thank you. It's been such a surprise that people have been so supportive.


JOHNNY:
Yuh, they like alkies, who would have guessed it?


DONNIE:
That's not the way we talk about it, Johnny. The people of Kentucky appreciate the struggle that Litany has gone through, they're cheering you on, and they really want you to be successful. There's something about someone with a small flaw who's struggling to overcome it that just drives people.


JOHNNY:
It drives them to drink.


DONNIE:
That's not what I meant. Let me explain to you our situation.


USA:
Do you mind if I cross my legs?


DONNIE:
Not at all. So Litany, I'm sure you've heard that next year, Randy McGuire is up for re-election.


USA:
Is she the new Miss Tennessee?


DONNIE:
No, it's a he. He's the state treasurer. And he's an elitist, stuck-up Godless Democrat that we've just got to get rid of.


JOHNNY:
He's a piece of scum.


DONNIE:
We didn't say that. But he never met a tax he didn't like. And he has it in for every decent businessman in this state.


JOHNNY:
Legal and illegal.


USA:
Is he gay?


JOHNNY:
He may as well be.


DONNIE:
But we don't know that for a fact.


USA:
Well I'm just saying it's something I heard.


JOHNNY:
Exactly. It's just something you heard. You're going to do very well in this business.


USA:
And what business is that exactly?


DONNIE:
Well, Litany, we want your help in defeating Randy McGuire.


USA:
Oh. You mean like where I tempt him up to my hotel room and entrap him and take my top off and then you take pictures of us?


JOHNNY:
No, no, hold the phone, no, absolutely not…


DONNIE:
Nothing like that. That's not what we're asking you at all.


JOHNNY:
We would never do that, honey. We don't do those things.


USA:
Because I'm not one of those contestants who does that kind of thing.


DONNIE:
Of course not.


USA:
Even if they tell me I have to in order to win. I'm just not that kind of contestant.


DONNIE:
That is not why we asked you here.


JOHNNY:
But if you happen to know any beauty queens who would be willing to do that kind of thing, of course we'd appreciate having their names and phone numbers.


DONNIE:
Johnny…..


JOHNNY:
Just so we know who to avoid in the future.


DONNIE:
We're not interested in that.


JOHNNY:
Just tell her what we want.


DONNIE:
I'm telling her. Now Litany. How do you feel about politics in general?


JOHNNY:
Just tell her.


DONNIE:
Alright. Here's the thing, Litany. We would like you to run for State Treasurer against Randy McGuire.


USA:
You want me to run for office? Like in an election?


JOHNNY:
Exactly. Would you accept the nomination, if it were offered to you?


USA:
Why would people want me to be the state whatever?


DONNIE:
Well, you've very modest, Litany. But as we discussed, people identify with your personal struggle. They're rooting for you. They want you to win.


JOHNNY:
Exactly. Plus, you're extremely attractive.


USA:
Thank you. I have had no non-required surgery.


DONNIE:
We knew that right away. Any idiot could tell that. Plus you're very well-spoken, very articulate.


JOHNNY:
And you're very attractive. Did I mention that?


USA:
You did, and thank you so much. Would there be a swimsuit competition as part of this?


DONNIE:
Very unlikely.


USA:
What about talent?


JOHNNY:
That doesn't enter into it at all.


USA:
I mean a talent competition. I'm sure you know that I won Miss Kentucky as a result of being able to juggle flaming bottles of Jim Beam while on a moving pick-up truck.


DONNIE:
Yes, I have the DVD at home. But I don't think that will be necessary. What we're more concerned with is your journey, your personal story. Now the born-again Evangelical Christian vote is still critical, and we understand that your faith is very important to you. Is that true?


USA:
Well. My faith is more important to me than other people's faiths. I guess.


JOHNNY:
Can we please get to the point Donnie?


DONNIE:
I'm getting to the point. You were raised a Christian, weren't you Litany?


USA:
Well, our house was right next to a church.


DONNIE:
There, you see that? We got nothing to worry about. And did you go to that church?


USA:
Well, usually the church came to us. They'd complain to my mamma and papa about the noise at our house drowning out the choir.


JOHNNY:
Really. Are your parents living?


USA:
Of course.


JOHNNY:
That's too bad. No, I mean that's great. Okay, you take over.


DONNIE:
Fine. So this church, Litany, it didn't really help you with your alcohol problem?


USA:
No, I kicked drinking by switching to smoking.


DONNIE:
Really.


USA:
But the church did help me years ago. After I ran away from home, I went to there for food stamps.


JOHNNY:
That's good, write that down.


DONNIE:
Why exactly did you need food stamps Litany?


USA:
To buy make-up. Well I had to have make-up to be a beauty contestant, didn't I?


JOHNNY:
Can't argue with that.


DONNIE:
Just forget that. Litany, I don't want you to ever mention that again. As far as the press is concerned, the church helped you at a time in your life when you really needed it, and your faith has always been very important to you. Are we clear on that?


USA:
No problem. I'm easy.


DONNIE:
Don't say that either.


USA:
What should I say?


DONNIE:
I want you to practice this sentence: "My folks were too poor to practice secular humanism." Can you say that?


USA:
My folks were too poor to practice sexual hooliganism.


JOHNNY:
That's fine, say it just like that.


DONNIE:
Let's try it one more time.


USA:
I have to go now. They're telling me the tape just ran out.


JOHNNY:
The tape? What tape?


USA:
The tape in the truck outside.


DONNIE:
Are you wearing a wire?


USA:
Oh no. I would hate that. It's totally wireless.


JOHNNY:
God damn you, Donnie. Did you ask for ID? This isn't Miss….How did you get me into this? You're going to sit down, sister, and tell me who you're working for, even if it takes us all day and all night. Who are you working for?


USA:
Randy McGuire for State Treasurer. Would you like a button?


JOHNNY:
NO WE DON'T WANT A BUTTON! GET THAT BUTTON THE HELL OUT OF HERE!


USA:
It's only a dollar.