No Child Left

MERLENE:
Where’s your homework?


RANDY:
It’s far, faraway. In a land that time forgot.


MERLENE:
Where is your homework?


RANDY:
Under my bed.


MERLENE:
Why is it there?


RANDY:
Someone put it there.


MERLENE:
Why would someone put it there?


RANDY:
Some people are just irresponsible.


MERLENE:
Did you put it there?


RANDY:
In what sense?


MERLENE:
You’re eight years old. Did you do your homework?


RANDY:
Candidly, no.


MERLENE:
What was your homework?


RANDY:
I have to write No Child Left Behind 99 times, and then I have to erase it and then write it over again. And Ms. Salasky said if we only write it 98 times, she’s going to yell at us and get violent, even though it’s against the rules.


MERLENE:
That wasn’t your homework.


RANDY:
No Child Left Behind! No Child Left Behind! No Child Left Behind!


MERLENE:
Stop saying that.


RANDY:
It’s the law.


MERLENE:
I don’t care. What was your homework?


RANDY:
In what sense?


MERLENE:
Randy?


RANDY:
We have to write a pair of graphs and add six fractions to an apple.


MERLENE:
You mean you have to write a paragraph?


RANDY:
Yuh, maybe.


MERLENE:
Did Ms. Salasky say you had to write a paragraph?


RANDY:
She says a lot of things.


MERLENE:
What do you have to do with the fractions?


RANDY:
She said we have to add six fractions to an apple.


MERLENE:
She didn’t say that. You can’t add fractions to an apple.


RANDY:
I certainly can’t.


MERLENE:
I showed you how to add fractions. She must mean add fractions of an apple.


RANDY:
Yuh, that clears it up.


MERLENE:
I don’t like that tone, Randy. You stop that right now.


RANDY:
I’m sorry.


MERLENE:
That’s better. Show me your homework.


RANDY:
She gave me this to give to you.


MERLENE:
What is this letter? When did she give this to you?


RANDY:
Earlier.


MERLENE:
When?


RANDY:
Monday. Possibly.


MERLENE:
You’re supposed to give me things like this right away. This could be important.


RANDY:
How was I supposed to know? What does it say?


MERLENE:
“Best wishes for the holiday season.” What holiday season? When did they give you this?


RANDY:
In what sense?


MERLENE:
“As part of the No Child Left Behind Act, the school district is required by law to administer a competency and achievement test to all third grade students. Those who do not pass will not be allowed to advance to fourth grade.” This is important. Don’t you want to go on to fourth grade?


RANDY:
Not if it’s like third grade.


MERLENE:
“All students in the Red Birds and the Blue Birds are expected to pass without any difficulty. Students in the Green Birds are likely to need additional help in order to pass.” Are you a Blue Bird?


RANDY:
No.


MERLENE:
A Red Bird?


RANDY:
Not really.


MERLENE:
You’re a Green Bird? Why didn’t you tell me you’re a Green Bird?


RANDY:
It was hard to work it into the conversation.


MERLENE:
This test is important, Randy.


RANDY:
I know.


MERLENE:
“All parents should be aware that this test is important.” You see that?


RANDY:
I know, Mom.


MERLENE:
“Our plan had been to add additional teaching staff and tutorial programs to our Special Resource Room in order to help all Yellow Birds to prepare for the No Child Left Behind test. Unfortunately, the No Child Left Behind Act was never fully funded and so we did not receive the grant funds necessary for this project. And because of state budget cuts, we have also had to lay off several teachers, increase class size, stop building our computer lab, and halt the after-school program.” So what are we supposed to do?


RANDY:
What does it say to do?


MERLENE:
“You may be asking yourself ‘What am I supposed to do?’ This is a perfectly understandable question. Which we hope to be addressing in our next letter to you. Best wishes for a safe holiday season.” Randy, did they give you another letter?


RANDY:
No.


MERLENE:
Randy?


RANDY:
No. I swear.


MERLENE:
Are you ready to take this test?


RANDY:
In what sense?