Ready Freddy

DAVID:
Is this Dave Sullivan?


SULLIVAN:
Yuh, hey. Is this…..


DAVID:
Sully David.


SULLIVAN:
Sully David! Oh my God! Sully! I'm sneezing in my pants here.


DAVID:
I knew we could get you for the campaign.


SULLIVAN:
For Fred? How could I not come out for Fred?


DAVID:
Exactly, that’s just what I told all these D.C. dudes. I told them Dave will come out if we call him. He will take a leave from TV, get on a plane, and come out to beautiful Tennessee to help out Fred.


SULLIVAN:
Actually, Tennessee blows, so I'm going to telecommute to the campaign for now. But hey, lets get to work here. I love Fred.


DAVID:
Sure, how can you not love Fred?


SULLIVAN:
I owe him my Miata. Lets face it. Would there have been a Girls Behaving Badly Special Victims Unit without Fred?


DAVID:
Of course not. So Dave, if we can start kicking it here, we need to get Fred ready for the debates.


SULLIVAN:
Yuh, how are those hair transplants going?


DAVID:
Excellent. But they're looking to us for some lethal, pinpoint audio. Some laser shots that he can throw out there to the debate questions.


SULLIVAN:
So he can blow away those other stooges.


DAVID:
Exactly. So let's remember what made the Arthur Branch character work. It's critical that he has to say things that we already know. It has to be crap that we couldn't possibly disagree with, said in a way that can be easily quoted.


SULLIVAN:
Water is wet. Criminals stink.


DAVID:
Exactly. That's what we're going for.


SULLIVAN:
Okay, hit me.


DAVID:
Alright, let's try something. Senator, what should we be doing about Iraq?


SULLIVAN:
I didn't get to be where I am today by taking a punch.


DAVID:
Okay, that's good on a personal level. But he needs to embody what America is about. The core of our American identity.


SULLIVAN:
In this country, we don't eat bugs, we don't dance naked, and we don't walk away from a fight.


DAVID:
Perfect. It's a jab to nose, it captures who we are, and it shows absolutely no understanding of the issue or of the entirety of foreign policy.


SULLIVAN:
I'm hot. Give me another one.


DAVID:
Senator, lots of people are complaining that the only kind of health insurance they can afford has a very high deductible. How would you fix that?


SULLIVAN:
What's wrong with a high deductible? You have one heart attack and the second one is free.


DAVID:
Good. Whenever there's a real issue, be sure to ignore it. Global warming. Originally, most people liked the idea of it getting warmer. Now our focus groups are killing us on flooding. They really don't like flooding. And we can't deny there's global warning. So what do we do about gas-guzzling cars?


SULLIVAN:
If global warning causes floods, then global warming causes floods. Stop whining about it. Americans need cars. If we don't have cars, how are we going to be able to drive away from the floods? That's common sense.


DAVID:
Excellent. Always remember: Science has no constituency. Now here's the big one. If we're not careful, we could get totally killed on this. Illegal immigration.


SULLIVAN:
What is so damn hard about arresting 11 million people? After you've arrested two or three thousand, it starts to get pretty routine.


DAVID:
Okay, but give them some raw meat.


SULLIVAN:
What's the point in building a fence if we can't shoot people when they try to get over it?


DAVID:
Good. Now make it clear that just because we're anti-immigrant, that doesn't mean we're anti-family. Here we go, Senator. Here we go. Finish them off.


SULLIVAN:
When my folks gave me toilet training, they did it in English.


DAVID:
Yes! Yes! You kill. You kill, Dave. I'm destroyed. I'm destroyed here.


SULLIVAN:
Give me another one.


DAVID:
No, we're good. We're total here. We can't lose with this. We're going all the way.


SULLIVAN:
Really?


DAVID:
Yuh, but now I'm afraid we're too good. They're going to renew us. We're going to get picked up. Can you clear the next nine years from your schedule?


SULLIVAN:
No, I can't do that. What am I going to tell Miramax?


DAVID:
I know. I have a one-picture deal myself. We're going to have to cut this off. We'll let Fred ride high for awhile, and then in January, we have to give him something to say that's so stupid, infantile, and damaging that his candidacy can't possibly survive.


SULLIVAN:
Something really stupid?


DAVID:
Exactly.


SULLIVAN:
I don't know. I'm stumped.