Why It's Called the Sunshine State
SAM:
What are you so pissed about?
DAVE:
Did you look at this God damn thing?
SAM:
The jail bird list? No. Why do I have to God damn look at that God damn thing for?
DAVE:
Cause you're the God damn campaign manager, you dip. You're supposed to understand how they decide who gets crossed off the voter roles.
SAM:
I know all about that. They're God damn jail birds.
DAVE:
How did you make up this list?
SAM:
You know how we did it. We got a list of ex-cons from around the country and then we ran them by our voter list and every ex-con who shows up in Florida gets dumped. You think I don't know how to win elections dinkweed?
DAVE:
Well it did cross my mind, you dip. How come Jeb's name is on the list?
SAM:
Jeb who?
DAVE:
Jeb the governor.
SAM:
Jeb Bush? Jeb Bush was an out-of-state convict?
DAVE:
No, you dip, I didn't say that.
SAM:
You mean he's a convict in the state of Florida?
DAVE:
What beer truck did you fall off of? It's a mistake. There must be some other Jeb Bush in some other state who walked into a 7-11 with a sawed-off shotgun and a ski mask and tripped over the Slurpy machine cord and got caught.
SAM:
Our Jeb wouldn't get caught.
DAVE:
That's right, he wouldn't get caught. Unless a dip like you was managing the robbery. What is his name doing on the jail bird list?
SAM:
What's the difference, it's just a stupid mistake, like you said. Nobody's going to pay attention. Everybody knows you can't win elections if you let just anybody vote. This ain't Massachusetts. We got rules here.
DAVE:
Yuh, right, we got rules. Meanwhile your jailbird list just took the Governor off the voting rolls. So come election day when all the cameras follow him to the polls, he's going to find out he's not a registered voter.
SAM:
That's not good.
DAVE:
No, it's not good.
SAM:
He's not going to like that one bit. We should tell him about this right away.
DAVE:
Put down that phone! What kind of dip are you? You're the campaign manager. You're supposed to handle these things.
SAM:
Okay, okay, keep your condom on. I'll just call the election supervisor where Jeb votes, tell him to fix the whole thing up, and for good measure, I'll slip him a hundred bucks and your girlfriend's phone number.
DAVE:
Yuh well the joke's on you because my girlfriend doesn't have a phone number. Or a phone. I made sure of that. She wants to talk to me, she can just sit there and masturbate until I call her. And besides, you can't fix this thing by trying to bribe the election supervisor. There's reporters and do-gooder types sliming all over these election boards morning noon and suppertime. They hear there's a mistake on the list, they'll start saying there's probably 40,000 mistakes. Next thing you know, all these jail birds and trailer parkers and non-Cuban Hispanics and glue sniffers will get to vote and old George W. loses Florida.
SAM:
That's not good.
DAVE:
No, that's not good, you dip.
SAM:
Well hold on a minute here. We got the power, Dave Man. The list is state property, we don't let it out of the building. So we'll just white out old Jeb's name and nobody'll know the difference.
DAVE:
It's too late for that. Some reporter's probably already seen it and they're just waiting for the right time to stick it to us.
SAM:
Got you there, Dave Man. I'm way ahead of you. We got ourselves a God damn foolproof law just to take care of that. We ain't stupid, Jeb and me. Anyone can see the list, but by law nobody is allowed to copy it, nobody is allowed to take notes, and nobody is allowed to tell anyone what they saw on the list. So it can't be on the news. We're golden.
DAVE:
The law is not going to stop Mr. Cheap Suit Eyewitness News. Once they say it on the tube it's out there. It's too late. We're cooked.
SAM:
Okay, dinkweed, you're so smart. What do you say we do?
DAVE:
We slam the door. Preemptive strike.
SAM:
You mean we kill everyone on the list?
DAVE:
No, you dip. We pull the list and announce that this year we're conducting a more rigorous review of all the names, and we will not release the revised list until October 15. We get a new list to the election supervisors just in time for E-Day. And we make damn sure that this one has 100,000 jail birds on it, not a one of which is Jeb Bush.
SAM:
That's it. That's brilliant, dinkweed.
DAVE:
And we do one more thing. We make sure that this name that I'm writing down on a piece of paper right now is on the list. But you're not going to say this name to me out loud, you're not going to say one more thing about it so Jeb and I have deniability. You just put the name on the list, no questions asked.
SAM:
Wow. John Kerry is an out-of-state ex-convict?