I Love You, Let's Buy A Hybrid

JUDITH:
How fitting, Justin. How absolutely fitting that our final date would be at a Toyota dealership. So nice to see you for the very last time.


JUSTIN:
And thank you, Judith. You've never looked more hateful. The divorce papers are in the mail.


JUDITH:
Thank God. The relief of seeing the back of your floppy, yellow Dockers for the last time.


JUSTIN:
Not as great as the joy of seeing my Bowflex without any of your moistened underwear hanging from it.


JUDITH:
It so happens I've been with several men who don't need a Bowflex and who are very happy to see my underwear.


JUSTIN:
Sure, as long as it's not their responsibility to handwash it every week.


JUDITH:
Did you get the dealer letter, or is this just another sick excuse to see me again?


JUSTIN:
Never again is the only way I want to see you. Of course I got the letter. They have our Toyota Prius.


JUDITH:
Finally. They never told us it would take 10 months.


JUSTIN:
Some people have to wait longer.


JUDITH:
And then we have to show up here in the middle of the day? This is obscene. Just sign over the rights to the Prius to me, I'll drop you off at your silly, dead-end job, and we'll never have to see each other again.


JUSTIN:
Sign the rights over to you? Have you been smoking your eye makeup? No, Judith. You are going to sign the rights to the Prius over to me. I'm the one who said we should buy a hybrid so we can reduce hazardous emissions by over 90%.


JUDITH:
In your bilious dreams. I'm the one who said we have to do something about climate change.


JUSTIN:
Your idea of climate change is a week in the Caribbean.


JUDITH:
You have no understanding of the Prius's extra efficiency gained through the use of the Atkinson cycle. You don't understand the fuel saved by the reduction of the drag coefficient. You know absolutely nothing about regenerative braking.


JUSTIN:
Oh please. You read one article in TV Guide and you're a mechanical engineer.


JUDITH:
Until your subscription to Big Butts runs out, I will continue to know more about the environment than you do.


JUSTIN:
I will be driving the Prius in the city. I will be able to reduce a lot more greenhouse gases than you possibly could leaving it in your mother's driveway in West Armpit.


JUDITH:
My mother will appreciate having it there. Your family would use it to tailgate at a cockfight.


JUSTIN:
My family? My family?


JUDITH:
Go ahead, say it.


JUSTIN:
I will say it. You're a total slob and your annoying friends come over and vandalize our house just to get back at me because I told them how they've all wasted their lives. Which they have.


JUDITH:
Just sign over your rights to the car to me and you can leave.


JUSTIN:
I most certainly will not. You are the exact definition of an arrogant, low-rent, self-righteous…


JUDITH:
Shoosh, here he comes with the car.


DEALER:
Well, well, well, Justin and Judith. You remember me, Ted Tedson?


JUSTIN:
Yes, Ted, we remember you. Can you get on with it?


DEALER:
I'm just fine, thank you. So. Ten months, huh. I remember when you guys got on the waiting list, you were all set to get hitched. How did that go?


JUDITH:
Fine.


JUSTIN:
Fine.


DEALER:
Great. Glad to hear it. Happy people are happy with their car. Unhappy people are unhappy with their car. That's what they teach you at Prius School.


JUSTIN:
Can we please just get to the…


DEALER:
Yes, yes, of course. Well here it is, your new Prius. Rain forest green. Pretty color you folks picked out.


JUSTIN:
It looks…magnificent.


JUDITH:
Oh Ted…Oh Ted…

(She hugs the Dealer.)


DEALER:
Your husband's over in that direction.


JUDITH:
Oh Ted. It takes my breath away.


DEALER:
Yuh, well, the AC actually works in this model, so not to worry.


JUSTIN:
Can we start the motor?


DEALER:
The motor's on. It's in electric mode. That's how quiet it is, you can barely hear it.


JUSTIN:
Oh.


JUDITH:
Oh….

(Judith and Justin start to hug and then stop.)


DEALER:
Okay, great. Well I have the title all made out here with both of your names.


JUSTIN:
Actually, that will have to change. We're signing our divorce papers on Thursday.


JUDITH:
Justin has pilates all day on Wednesday. So he can stare at all the hot women he'll never get.


DEALER:
I see. So you're giving up your place on the list.


JUSTIN:
No at all. Judith has agreed to sign over her rights to me. I will be buying the Prius.


JUDITH:
I most certainly have not signed over my rights. I will be buying the Prius.


DEALER:
Well gee folks, I'm really sorry that you both turned out to be too petty and annoying to make your marriage work. But I only have this one car available right now. And you signed on as Justin Teague and Judith Krakowski. It's on here as "and," not "or." So I can't possibly give the car to just one of you. They teach you that in Prius School.


JUDITH:
Well I refuse to leave here without my Prius.


JUSTIN:
It's my Prius.


DEALER:
You know it's such a coincidence that you folks are in here today. Because this week we're running a special. If you buy the car together and you pay cash, we'll be throwing in three marriage counseling sessions, absolutely free.


JUDITH:
Well…If they're free.


DEALER:
Totally free.


JUSTIN:
Counseling sessions with whom?


DEALER:
My cousin Eileen. She could mix oil with water, you'll love her.


JUSTIN:
Well Judith. Should we try again?


JUDITH:
I wouldn't do it for you. But I'll do it for the Prius.


JUSTIN:
For the Prius!