A True Inconvenience

SCHUYLER:
Dick is not going to narrate a documentary about global warming based on a slide show. He isn't going to do it.


CHIP:
He has to do it. He's the vice president. He has to show that he's just as good as the vice president who came before him.


SCHUYLER:
You know what the last thing Scooter said before he was indicted? He said After I leave here, whatever you do, don't let Dick make a stupid movie.


CHIP:
Well that's why he was indicted. He has no imagination.


SCHUYLER:
Addington is against it too, and that's good enough for me.


CHIP:
"An Inconvenient Truth" is making big money and the people who see it are voters. We have to do something. You want to have to deal with a bunch of sissified, low-rent Democrats next year?


SCHUYLER:
Alright, what have you got?


CHIP:
The script is all done. I want you to read it out loud so we can hear it. I think the title needs work.


SCHUYLER:
What's the title?


CHIP:
"Screw the Environment."


SCHUYLER:
Works for me.


CHIP:
It's too obvious. It should be a take-off of Gore's title. How about "A God Damned Convenient Truth."


SCHUYLER:
Yuh, the Christians will love it. Why do I have to be the one reading it?


CHIP:
Because you look like Dick. You have that same snarky smile that looks like you just mugged my grandmother and you don't care who knows it.


SCHUYLER:
You really think so? Thanks, Chip. I appreciate it.


CHIP:
No problem. Page one. Cue talent.


SCHUYLER:
I'm Dick Cheney, your vice president. Now and forever. Nice touch.


CHIP:
Thanks.


SCHUYLER:
I know you paid ten bucks to see this, and usually that's enough for a movie with some skin. But I've got something to tell you that's almost as important as good T & A. There's been a lot of talk lately about this stupid thing they call "global warming." Now it's okay if it's just talk, but I want to make sure nobody actually does anything about it, and that's why I made this movie.


CHIP:
You think he should say "documentary?"


SCHUYLER:
No, no, movie, movie. They'll never buy popcorn if they think it's a documentary. We got to make some money here.


CHIP:
Okay, just an idea. Go ahead.


SCHUYLER:
Let's start with the people who think global warming is bad. And let's be straight about this. These are people who don't like warm, sunny weather. What are they, nuts? Who needs the polar ice caps? What did they ever do for me? Personally, my family has always enjoyed carbon dioxide. We always bring a bunch of it along whenever we have a picnic. They say it helps the trees to grow. But hell, I like it anyway.


CHIP:
You can do like a hand gesture there.


SCHUYLER:
Dick doesn't do hand gestures. Every one he tries looks like masturbation.


CHIP:
Okay, we'll keep him off camera. Keep going.


SCHUYLER:
They say that greenhouse gases will cause flooding. Well what's wrong with flooding the entire eastern seaboard? What did those people ever do for us? I like the beach too, but I wouldn't build a God damn house there. And what's wrong with washing away all those people standing in front of bars smoking cigarettes? You know they're up to no good. I say get rid of them. Everybody is ooh-ing and ahh-ing about Al Gore's slide show. Well let me tell you something. We beat his ass. And we didn't need any God damn slide show to do it. You want to do a slide show, fine. But make it one with pictures of your kids at Disney World. Who wants to see a forty-foot chart with a blue line on it? If you don't like where the blue line is going, just erase it and draw in a new one. Why do you have to make such a big stink about it? They say we should invest in alternative energies. Sure, fine. I got nothing against clean coal. But after you wash it, who's going to dry it?


CHIP:
Okay, big finish.


SCHUYLER:
You know Gore isn't the only one who can talk to scientists. I've talked to quite a few scientists myself. I get them up to my place in Wyoming. Feed them a few stiff drinks. Tell them a few jokes about how I almost shot my hunting partner once. I get them in a position so I know they're not going to screw around with me. And then I ask them, straight out, Is there anything to this whole global warming thing? And you know what they always say to me? Down to a man. They say to me, "Dick, it's not the heat. It's the humidity."


CHIP:
Music up. Credits roll and we're out.


SCHUYLER:
Is this going to work with the American people?


CHIP:
Are you kidding? We'll kill them.