Now That's An Energy Policy

MICKEY:
I can't believe what a hell hole this has turned out to be.

RICKY:
It isn't that bad.

MICKEY:
Oh my God my allergies are killing me.

RICKY:
Did you have your mochaccino this morning?

MICKEY:
Who is going to hire us after this? Some yucky, backwater state government agency?

RICKY:
Think of the pension plan.

MICKEY:
I'll be stuck going back to work for my father's casket company.

RICKY:
That's a great business opportunity. Think how many dead people there are. And every year, there are more of them.

MICKEY:
It's failing, it's a disaster. He keeps thinking he's going to get Home Depot to buy him out.

RICKY:
We just have to lay low for awhile and this whole thing will blow over.

MICKEY:
It won't blow over. We're an embarrassment. We're being laughed at in every expresso bar from here to the river. We're trapped in this stinking den of shame forever. (Phone rings. RICKY answers it.)

RICKY:
Majority Leader Bill Frist's office, good morning. No we don't have your hundred dollars. We didn't lose it, sir, we never had it in the first place. I understand you were counting on getting that $100, yes sir. Well I'm sure a tattoo would've helped you get a new girlfriend, but we can't help you with that. We didn't spend your hundred dollars. We never had your hundred dollars. It was just an idea we had to help people who were having to pay a lot to fill up the gas tanks in their cars. What? It's a machine with four wheels and an engine and you get in it and turn the key and it takes you places, but you have to remember to...Is this some kind of a joke? God damn smart asses from Memphis. (He hangs up.)

RICKY:
You're right. We're doomed.

MICKEY:
We have to fight our way out of this, Ricky. Bill wants a new energy policy paper and we got to give it to him.

RICKY:
It's hopeless.

MICKEY:
I don't care. I'm not going back home. Do you know how many dateable women there are in Chattanooga? Three. And they all know what a loser I am.

RICKY:
I heard they imported a new one from Kentucky.

MICKEY:
Focus, Ricky, focus. All we need are like half a dozen really brilliant ideas for making gas cheaper that don't involve giving people $100.

RICKY:
Okay, you ready? Number one. Encourage people to only drive downhill.

MICKEY:
Good. Five more.

RICKY:
Take over the Middle East.

MICKEY:
Dick and Rummy are already doing that.

RICKY:
What a pair of doofuses. When are they going to be finished?

MICKEY:
End of the day Thursday. I have it in writing.

RICKY:
Really?

MICKEY:
It's a lock. But they don't us want to announce it.

RICKY:
Since when do they tell us what to do?

MICKEY:
C'mon, we need five more.

RICKY:
Okay, you ready? Bill tells all the people in the Northeast to stop using up all the oil to heat their houses.

MICKEY:
Yes, that's perfect. If you don't like the cold, move.

RICKY:
They'll never vote for us anyway.

MICKEY:
Losers. Okay, next.

RICKY:
Drill out the Arctic.

MICKEY:
That's old. It's cold biscuits. We need something that's fresh, new, bold, sexy.

RICKY:
We drill out the Antarctic.

MICKEY:
Good. Now we're getting somewhere. One more.

RICKY:
I can't, Mickey, I'm tapped. I'm wasted.

MICKEY:
One more. Just one more big one.

RICKY:
Okay, big idea. Powerful idea. The vision. The big vision. You ready?

MICKEY:
Hit me, baby?

RICKY:
Nuclear cars.

MICKEY:
That sounds almost right.

RICKY:
No wait, wait. I said it wrong. Nucular cars.

MICKEY:
Nucular cars! That's it! We did it!