Leave No Child Without Photo ID

WHIFFLE:
Welcome to the DHS. My fake name is Assistant Deputy Director for Public Affairs Whiffle. Do not try to shake my hand.

BARBARA:
How do you do. I'm Mrs. Krickenhammer.

WHIFFLE:
I know your name. Do you think I would agree to meet with someone without knowing their name?

BARBARA:
I'm so sorry. May I call you Assistant Deputy Director Whiffle?

WHIFFLE:
No, you may not.

BARBARA:
Yes sir.

WHIFFLE:
Your urinalysis is acceptable. You may speak.

BARBARA:
Yes, I always make sure it's tip top. I'm the director of a federally supported day care center out in Dayton? You know where Dayton is?

WHIFFLE:
I know where everything is.

BARBARA:
Yes, well we have to be very careful about.....

WHIFFLE:
Stop talking. Do you have a criminal record from your native country?

BARBARA:
I was born in Ohio.

WHIFFLE:
Yes, we know that, but we have to make sure. Anyone who wants to see me is automatically under suspicion.

BARBARA:
What if I was your mother?

WHIFFLE:
No mothers. We're not allowed to have mothers. What are you doing here?

BARBARA:
Actually, we're looking for a grant.

WHIFFLE:
A grant? You mean money? For a day care center? This is the Department of Homeland God Damn Security.

BARBARA:
Oh yes, I can see the seal on your neck tie. Very dashing, by the way.

WHIFFLE:
What are you trying to pull here?

BARBARA:
Well, you see we lost our federal grant, and they told us that you were the only federal department that had extra money available, so we thought that we should at least ask if we could.....

WHIFFLE:
Are you chemically dependent? This is Homeland Security. We do not offer grants. We award contracts.

BARBARA:
Well okay, we'll take one of those.

WHIFFLE:
Not to day care centers. You have to be providing an anti-terrorism service.

BARBARA:
Oh yes, we are totally down with that. Every day we make the children take off all their clothes so we can make sure they're not carrying any WMDs. Plus, we have a plan to help. See you know how children scream a lot? They're so good at screaming, God bless 'em. So we figured we'd bring a bunch of the kids to where one of those sleeper cells are? And the kids would just scream and scream right in their ears, and then the sleeper cell people would have to wake up. So then they couldn't kill anyone.

WHIFFLE:
You're not staying here. Security!

BARBARA:
No wait, there's more. See we know you people are trying to do something about all these immigrants coming over here from you know, Switzerland and everything. And we don't usually encourage the children to throw water balloons. But I suppose if the immigrants were really bad people who didn't speak English, then I wouldn't see any harm in.....

WHIFFLE:
What are you talking about? We are not going to hire 6-year old children to conduct assault operations. They have to be at least 12.

BARBARA:
Oh, well then that's no good. But you could point out to us those people who are violating the Patriot Act and taking bad books out of the library, we could help you with that. See I've taught everyone in our Bluebirds group to say "He's my father, but he left me in the Food Court and he never came back."

WHIFFLE:
Mrs. Krickenhammer. We have no intention of....Well, actually...How much would it cost us to get them to lie in court?