CPA: Baghdad

HOUZAN:
Mr. Ambassador.


TED:
I’m the assistant to the deputy ambassador.


HOUZAN:
Yes sir. Mr. Deputy.


TED:
Call me Ted.


HOUZAN:
I do not know you well enough for you to allow me to call you Ted.


TED:
It’s the least I can do.


HOUZAN:
Yes, that is correct. Please call me Houzan.


TED:
With pleasure. And may I say how fitting it is that the new democratic government of Iraq has chosen to appoint a woman of your stature as chief auditor.


HOUZAN:
You mean because I am short? You think we are a short country?


TED:
No, I mean because you are a woman. It is very fitting.


HOUZAN:
What is it fitting?


TED:
I mean it fits.


HOUZAN:
How does it fit? It fits like underwear?


TED:
No, no nothing like that. I wasn’t even thinking about underwear.


HOUZAN:
Yes, but now you are.


TED:
I am.


HOUZAN:
Stop doing that.


TED:
Of course. I just meant to say that it shows your government is committed to the rights of women.


HOUZAN:
Of course. Or it means that the new government thinks that the auditing of public expenditures is such a trivial and meaningless task that it can be given to a woman. But I like your argument better. Perhaps I am learning to be an optimist, like all Americans are.


TED:
I am delighted to hear that. On behalf of the ambassador and the entire U.S. government, we offer you our full cooperation. How can I help you with your audit?


HOUZAN:
You can give us our $8.8 billion back.


TED:
Excuse me?


HOUZAN:
Our $8.8 billion. This was our money which you lost. Your Inspector General, Mr. Bowen, found that $8.8 billion in Iraqi funds from the Oil for Food program, from current oil sales, and from seized assets, are missing and you were not able to explain what they had been spent on.


TED:
Well sure, I know there was a report, but that doesn’t mean I have the money. We don’t have the money anymore. It’s gone.


HOUZAN:
Oh. Well if you had the money, I could just take the money back to my office and I wouldn’t have to do any more work. But if you don’t have the money, then I have to go through all the books and records of the Coalition Provisional Authority, which are the property of the U.S. government.


TED:
We don’t have any of those records.


HOUZAN:
I see. What did you do with them?


TED:
I didn’t do anything with them. I’ve never seen them. We don’t have them.


HOUZAN:
Oh. Then I will look at everything in your office. Please open all your drawers.


TED:
My drawers?


HOUZAN:
Please.


TED:
There’s nothing in my drawers.


HOUZAN:
If there were nothing in them, you wouldn’t have them. Could you please open the credenza? I just learned that word, credenza. It means where you hide Italian records you don’t want me to see, no?


TED:
I can’t let you look through the drawers.


HOUZAN:
That doesn’t sound like full cooperation.


TED:
We have rules here.


HOUZAN:
If you had rules, you would know where the money went. Who did you give the money to?


TED:
I don’t know, there were contractors here.


HOUZAN:
Oh, oh, oh, contractors. Well, that’s different.


TED:
Yes, exactly. The money went to contractors, so we don’t have any back-up information.


HOUZAN:
That is very nice espresso machine.


TED:
Thank you. Would you like an espresso?


HOUZAN:
No thank you. I would find it too stimulating to drink it now.


TED:
I can give it to you in a cup to take home with you. When you leave. As you’re leaving.


HOUZAN:
Did you get this machine from a contractor?


TED:
No. I did not get anything from contractors.


HOUZAN:
But there were contractors here in Iraq you gave money to?


TED:
I wasn’t the one giving the money.


HOUZAN:
Where are the contracts?


TED:
What contracts?


HOUZAN:
The contracts you signed with the contractors.


TED:
We don’t have any contracts.


HOUZAN:
If there were no contracts, then there were no contractors. You can’t have a contractor without a contract. I love this language, English. It is so clear about these things.


TED:
We don’t have contracts. We don’t have records or books. I’m sorry, there’s nothing I can do.


HOUZAN:
Then we will have to sue.


TED:
Sue?


HOUZAN:
Sue. Who was this woman Sue who invented suing? I would like to learn about her.


TED:
You’re welcome to try suing, but the Iraqi courts are barely functioning.


HOUZAN:
Oh no, we would never try to sue you in Iraqi court.


TED:
I’m glad to hear it.


HOUZAN:
We will sue in American court.


TED:
You can’t do that.


HOUZAN:
Oh yes, we have to. That is the only place we can sue. Ambassador Paul Bremer is in America, no? And all the people from the Coalition Provisional Authority were Americans from America. So we will sue in American court. We have talked to Mark Lanier, the plaintiff lawyer in the Merck case. You know him?


TED:
You're going to sue in federal court?


HOUZAN:
At the beginning, yes. Then we will sue individual members of Congress in the state courts. And then we will file show cause motions to compel your state attorneys general to prosecute CPA officials who took our money. Then after that.....


TED:
Alright, that’s enough. No more. We’ll give you the money. We’ll give you back all the money.


HOUZAN:
In cash.


TED:
Yes, in cash.


HOUZAN:
We will send the truck over tomorrow.


TED:
Fine. We’ll have it ready. But this money is coming from the Bush administration. And you have to promise to spend it as we would spend it. On something that the people of Iraq genuinely need more than anything else.


HOUZAN:
What would that be?


TED:
I think it’s obvious. A tax cut.